Do I want to see?

By Sr. Mary Grace Thul, OP

That I may see. It was a simple request, and Mark's gospel chapter ten tells us it was the only request made by Bartimaeus.

It makes me look at my requests. I have prayed to "see", but am I ready for what may be revealed?

Imagine what Bartimaeus saw...a whole  new world. And his new sight did not just bring him joy, it prompted him to give back. For the gospel tells us that when he gained his sight, he then followed Jesus. He accepted what he saw.

That could not be said about Jesus dicsiples who had physical sight. They were always tyring to get Jesus to match their concept of what the messiah should be: restore Jerusalem to its pristine power and glory; sit them one on his right and one on his left; let them have power over demons; call down God's wrath on those who did not accept their message.

Even at the last supper, in John 14: 5 when Jesus invited them to follow him, they said, "We do not know where you are going, how can we know the way?" And Jesus responded, "Have I been with you for so long a time and you still do not know me?" (Jn 14: 9)

I wonder which disciple I am like: Bartimaeus, willing to see for real and follow, or the disciples, following but not seeing, because I want Jesus to match what I think he should be like.

Disappointed in God

It was just one line in a sermon, but it hit hard. "One way to never be disappointed in life is to expect little."

How many of us have been disappointed in God? How many of us have hoped for big things, only to have God fail to deliver? Sound familiar?

I wonder how many of us learn to keep our expectations of God and grace and hope low so we won't be disappointed again. I wonder how many of us have grown to expect little of God, because we have not seen God step into our lives in big ways.

I'll say it: God doesn't treat me the way I think God should. God doesn't treat me the way I would treat me if I were God.

But, I have learned not to let my disappointments keep my hopes and expectations low. I read in scripture: For who among us knows what pertains to a person except the spirit of the person that is within? Similarly, no one knows what pertains to God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit that is from God, so that we may understand the things freely given to us by God (1 Cor. 2:11-12)

I think to dream big is to accept that I do not understand the spirit of God. I think to hope for great things means to accept my limitations in understanding.

For when God disappoints, I can shut down and expect less. Or I can look at my understanding and realize its needs: its need to move beyond the spirit that is from the world that wants signs and wonders; its need to move into the spirit that is in God, which sees things the world cannot see.

For only when I enter into that Spirit, will I begin to understand the things freely given to me by God. I will see things in a different light. I will see what I thought were disappointments, and understand. I will know in a different way.

A prayer to prepare for Hurricane Sandy

For all those in the path of Hurricane Sandy

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and our strength,
an ever-present help in distress.
Thus we do not fear, though earth be shaken
and mountains quake to the depths of the sea.

Though its waters rage and foam
and mountains totter at its surging.
The Lord of hosts is with us'
our stronghold is the God of Jacob.

May we all be safe!

The unobvious plan of God

I was walking down the hallway talking to a classmate, and the topic turned to plans. "Just tell God your plans, and it seems like God has another plan in mind." We both laughed and parted. But the thought remained.

It does seem that when we tell God our plans, somehow God comes up with a different one. As I thought about that, I thought of scripture.

In scripture, we find that there was a very straightforward interpretation by the leaders and faithful as to who and what the messiah should be like. That image was so strong that Jesus could never match it. And so many did not believe in him.

I think when I want things to always match up, I run the risk of missing the true experience God wants me to have. I do not pretend to know what that experience is, but I think God is asking us to go deeper. Do not be content with the seemingly obvious. Try to see beneath the surface. Try to find the unobvious.

When I chart my own life, I can see a pattern only if I go deeper. I suspect the same is true for many lives. I was not meant to be a monastic, but having spent so many years in the monastery in silence and prayer has prepared me well for the counseling profession I have recently choosen. Having made decisions that turned out not to be the best for me has helped me become a seeker. Having not had a straightforward life has helped me look at the little messages hidden in the crooked.

Perhaps that is what mystery is all about.

God will wipe every tear

Disillusionment. It has been a topic of late. Part of it came because we had the Gospel of Mark 10: 35-45 on Sunday, where James and John want to sit on Jesus left and right hand in the kingdom, and Jesus tells them they know not what they are asking. But part of it came just from journey, and how we discover things in life, things we had no clue were happening deep inside of us, until something or someone touches us deep down where we knew not, and we find there a deep seat of emotion and pain.

Disillusionment rocks our boat and threatens our safety. It has to. For disillusionment tells us our image of life and of God are not accurate. I think how we handle disillusionment determines whether it becomes a period of growth or a period of defeat.

I think most of us have an image of God within our own minds, and that God is suppose to be loving and kind. Yet, sometimes the pain we suffer in life makes us question that. I know that feeling. I know that question. I know disillusionment.

I found great comfort in the words of Revelation 21:3-4: I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with humankind. He will dwell with them and they will be God's people and God will always be with them as their God. God will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, for the old order has passed away."

These words tell me that God knows my tears. Not only does God know them, but the words imply that God will wipe every tear from my eyes. I find comfort from this verse, as it reminds me that my suffering shall not be forgotten. Somehow, in God's plan of things, it shall count for something. Even though God did not save me from suffering, that suffering shall somehow be turned into something better.

For I too have found my image of God distorted by my very human understanding. I too continue to experience disillusionment along my journey. I hold on to the hope that each disillusionment will not be a defeat, but rather a peeling away of the layers of my ignorance.

For disillusionment can be God's way of teaching me. I can learn only if I let go of Whom I want my God to be and accept Who God really is. I can take disillusionment not as my stumbling block, but as another door opening to a deeper understanding. I can. It just takes time and patience.

The second mile

I find some of the gospel quotes are hard sayings. In Matthew 5:41 we read:  Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles. I feel that this advice allows others to take advantage of me. Am I to allow it?

But I think that view misses the point. I think the Gospel story intends to challenge me to look at my giving, and see what prompts it.

I recently experienced the receiving end. Someone reached out to me gratuitously. The thoughtful and unexpected gesture moved me deeply. As I struggled to voice my "thank you" the person simply said, "All I ask is that when you can, pass it on."

Maybe that is what Jesus is saying. Maybe all Jesus wants from us is to not forget to hand on what has been shared with us. Maybe going the second mile means, you were forced into the first. Let the second be your own good will. Let the second be willing. Let the second be handing on.

I know for too long I felt I did not have enough to hand on. I wanted to wait until I had excess. Then, I felt, I could give. But meditating on this gospel verse, I think that this is the message. I will be forced to give, but I should then realize, I can give. I do not have to wait for excess.

For what does it mean when I wait for excess but that I think of giving as something outside of myself, like the scraps I have left over that I can then offer to beggars. Maybe the second mile means, giving is not a matter of excess. It is a matter of reaching down inside of myself and giving from that inner resource. It is giving the way we do with  loved ones, from the heart, from our inner selves. And if I have to be forced to realize that, do not stop there. Go the second mile.

Those are my thoughts on second miles. What are yours?

Finding strength in psalm 18

I cannot think of a psalm that speaks more to the heart than psalm 18: I love you, Lord, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my shield, my saving horn, my stronghold!

I find I need a gentle (and sometimes constant) reminder that I am not alone on this journey, despite how it may appear. God is there for me, even when I cannot sense a Presence. When I am fearful or anxious, it helps to repeat this psalm, for it reminds me that God is more than a Divine Being out there somewhere. God is close to me as my rock and fortress.

I find the images that psalm 18 gives helps me to re-design my own image of Divine Love: rock, fortress, shield and saving horn. God is not just a creator, God is a protector as well. And I know I need a God who can deliver.

Psalm 18 goes on to say in verse 18-20: God rescued me from my mighty enemy, from my foes too powerful for me. They attacked me on a day of distress, but the Lord came to my support. God set me free in the open; God rescued me because God loves me.

I cannot think of a psalm that offers me more hope and confidence in God's saving love.

And so I repeat often, while driving, while working, while walking, I love you Lord, my strength!

Whoever is not against me

I love to think of the scripture passage in Luke (9:49-50) where John says to Jesus "We saw someone casting out demons in your name and we tried to prevent him because he does not follow in our company." And Jesus said to him, "Do not prevent him, for whoever is not against you is for you."  This gospel is interesting because the same event is narrated in Matthew, but the wording is different (and probably what we would rather hear): "He who is not with me is against me."

Back in the 1960s a group in France started an ecumenical community they called Taize.  Recently on a blog called Monks and Mermaids  Fr. David reminisced about his experience visiting Taize back in 1962. He writes:

What Taize gave me was a vision which has never left me, a perspective in which I could discern the Holy Spirit at work in all kinds of situations, indeed in all situations in which he is not excluded...Brother Roger held out to all the possibility of being orthodox without being sectarian, of adhering to the Truth while remaining humble in the presence of those who doubt or deny it, because Christ works in and through them...God does not have favourites...We are all equally sons and daughters of God.

I love this attitude, for it invites us to broaden our understanding of religion and spirituality, to realize that outside of our defined institutions, there are other individuals with the spirit of God. Luke's gospel says that Jesus himself said, Whoever is not against you is with you. I think we like to think more like Matthew...having our lines drawn, and putting others on the right or on the left. And yet Luke gives us a Jesus who sought to unite, not divide. He often bends rules and pushes the envelope in favor of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. 

And that Jesus is the one I'd like to follow.

Never having to backtrack.

Journeys are interesting adventures

I don't know about you, but I often get lost. I think I am following directions, and that I'm good. Until I don't arrive. And then I realize that somewhere along the way I missed a turn, or turned the wrong way.

I think that happens to us on our spiritual journey as well. We are going along fine, thinking that we are headed in the right direction until something happens that seems to say, "dead end". It may be distraction, it may be misunderstanding, but we do get lost.


Francis Thompson has an interesting poem that may speak to this journey. He wrote back in the early 1900s:

I FLED Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.	5
Up vistaed hopes I sped;

Thompson is admitting the many ways we flee from God. Most of us are hardly aware of these flights. We may even think we are headed toward God. But life happens, and things become important, and we just lose our way in our effort to survive or make a living. We are not actually running from God. We are just trying to keep going.

But Thompson speaks to that wandering. He suggests that in reality, we flee God when we fail to make God the center of our search.

The wonderful part of Thompson's poem is not his realization of flight, but the realization that God was hounding him:

Still with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following Feet,

I find it a comforting thought that no matter where our journey takes us, we have Someone following us, not seeking to destroy or even condemn us, but to save.

What are the implications of this hounding? The Divine Being follows us so that when we realize that we have gotten lost on our journey, we don't have to walk all the way back to the beginning of our search and start all over again. All we have to do is turn around. And when we turn, we find that the Divine Hound who has followed close behind. Thompson writes God saying:

Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save Me, save only Me?	170
All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.

The wonderful thing is, no journey, however wandering or lost it may  become, will ever be in vain. For the Hound of Heaven, God, is right there to make it count.

We have only to turn.

A common dilemma: Getting it wrong, again

I love to ponder the story of the Garden of Eden as it is written in Genesis.  Recently I had some new thoughts. When thinking about Adam and Eve, it occurred to me that their problem was not so much eating the forbidden fruit, but in thinking that that fruit would make them like God. If you read Chapter two carefully, you see that the tree is called "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (2:17).  It is as if the author is trying to tell us that knowing good and evil does not equate becoming godly or God-like. We need more.

I wonder if the real reason Adam and Eve are removed from the Garden of Eden was not because they sinned, but because they failed to understand. God had given them everything they could want. Yet, with all their blessings, they didn't know where to look for growth. They thought it would come from something outside of themselves.

By being cast into a harsh world, Adam and Eve actually had a better chance. Not having the beauty or comforts of Eden, their search had to turn inward.  They had to realize that growth starts, not in something outside of themselves, but within their own hearts, with pondering and reflection.

It is a lesson for you and me.  Perhaps we too fail in our search for God when things are going well and life seems blessed. Perhaps we think we can find God in the fruit of success and the taste of accomplishment. And perhaps the difficulties we encounter are meant to help us retreat from searching outside of ourselves, so that we will search within. 

That brings us to the real question, where is the Garden of Eden? Is it some beautiful place of long ago, closed to us forever? Or is it a hidden place, one we can and must discover for ourselves? I think it is the latter. And I think that we find that Garden when we retreat and reflect. For the secret of the Garden is really that God walked with his creation. And when we find God, we have by that very definition, discovered our own Garden of Eden. For what is the Garden but a place where God is close to us, and we no longer need to seek the Divine in the things outside.

Preparation that seems like death

Fall. Who doesn't love the beautiful color of fall leaves? At no other time of the year do leaves break out in such brilliant colors of reds, yellows and golds. And yet, those beautiful colors mark the beginning of the end, for soon these same beautiful leaves will fall to the ground and be no more.

Such is the lesson nature gives us of life. Despite what you or I may want (unlimited sunshine here), life is made up of cycles. It is not just spring, summer, fall, and winter. It is also life and death, budding and harvest (yes, harvest is a type of death as well, when a tree gives what it has for production of a new generation).

But nature also shows us that there are times that seem like death when it is really a season of dormancy. I know from my family's apple farm that unless apple trees have a sufficient number of days of below freezing temperatures they will not bear fruit the following season. A lesson on what seems like death being rejuvenation.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 says: There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair  under the heavens. A time to be born, and a time to die: a time to plant and a time to uproot the plant, a time for death and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...

Fall offers me a time to reflect. If I would profit, I need to take some time to ponder its beauty and think about its lessons. I might even take an apple with me and sit somewhere quiet. Then I can enjoy the brilliant colors of the trees whose leaves are turning before they depart, even as those same trees are preparing for the rest of winter.

Making room for sacred space

By Sr. Mary Grace Thul, OP

I have always loved psalm 27, especially verse 4: One thing I ask of the Lord, this I seek, to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.

You have to understand why this psalm meant so much to me. I lived in a monastery, and my life flowed with the rhythm of prayer, meditation, and silence. When I prayed those words, I took them literally.

But then life happened, and my life within the House of the Lord became jeopardized. I said this prayer with greater intensity, as my one request truly became for the grace to stay there always. Despite these longings, despite my desire, my health deteriorated, and I watch with increasing hopelessness as my treasure slipped away through my fingers.

In the end, the Lord did not grant my request. No answers came, and I had to accept my fate, that monastic life did not suit my personality, my temperament, or my needs. I left the community and the monastic way of life with a heavy heart. I grieved my loss, living in the House of the Lord, for I believed my loss was irretrievable.

As the years have passed, those words from psalm 27 continued to haunt me. And I've come to understand a number of things. I've come to realize that the House of the Lord is precious because of Presence.  I realize that it is Presence that fills a choir or a church. It is Presence that I can sense when on monastery grounds. I can bring that same Presence into my own life. When I do, I make a sacred space within my own heart and soul. Then, my apartment, my car, or a walk in nature becomes for me, the House of the Lord. And I can dwell in that House all the days of my life.

That is now my goal. To remember. To make room for sacred space.. And because of my understanding of Presence, I no longer grieve.

Where to find Divinity

Would we ever be content to only see rainbows in books? Would we forgo the feel of rain, the awesome sight of sunrises or sunsets, or the smell of flowers? Would we be content to know intelligently about falling in love and never want to experience it for real? I think not.

So why are we too often content to let our experience of God be totally abstract?

If you and I want to have a valid experience of God, we must do more than give ourselves to verbal prayer and silent meditation. We need to step outside of our comfort zone. We need to find our God through works of charity, giving, not with money, but with heart and time. We need to be willing to get our hands dirty, let our hearts feel the brokenness of others, and offer them a real hand.

Consider: the God who created us was not content to know the human condition from afar. The second person of the Godhead stepped into our lives and experienced all that we experience, all of it, including loneliness, pain, and rejection. He did not disdain to reach out and touch the poor, the sick, or the socially outcast.

God invites us to do the same. God would have us step out and find Divinity within the person, event, or circumstance of the moment. In return, our souls are opened and the bounty of love contained therein is unleashed. For in truth, we are the ones who benefit the most from these deeds.

If we would experience the Divine in our lives, we must not be content with a clean and sanitized spirituality. Let us get down and get dirty by taking time to actually perform acts of kindness. Let us disrupt our schedule to help someone else. For when we do, we do not just bring the Divine goodness to that person. We release it from our own inner prison.

In love unaware

Is it possible to fall in love with God and not realize it? Is it possible to spend your life wanting to love God, trying to love God, and not realize just how much you have come to authentically love God?

I think it is. And I think it shows in the most amazing ways.

I think you can love God deeply and not realize it, because you are so intent on how God loves you, how deep and profound and everlasting is that love, that you do not realize how deeply you love God in return. You have equated love for God with splendid deeds, or heroic gestures or profound thoughts. You felt the ideal unattainable, and so kept trying to love God just a tiny bit more. You did not realize that this tiny bit, built up day after day, brought you to mirror that Divine Love, so that you are caught up in the Fire, you are swept away with that indwelling.

And then something happens. It need not even be spiritual. But something happens that awakens your soul to the truth, I love God sooooo much!  It is an awesome realization. It is startling and heart warming and satisfying and exhilarating. Because it happened unawares. You were not thinking in terms of that, you were thinking in terms of service or devotion or reverence or respect. You were thinking of doing the right thing so that you could please this Almighty God. You were trying to live with God in mind, and think about God, and study about God. And God swept you up with Love, a Love you could never accomplish on your own, because it too is Divine.

That is my wish, my hope, my prayer for each one of us. That we will awaken in our souls and realize just how much we love God, deeply, passionately, and ardently.

It is a wonderful awakening!

Nothing can separate us

We read in 1 Timothy 4:4-5: Everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected when received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the invocation of God in prayer."  

I find this scripture verse enlightening, for in effect it reminds me what Romans 8:28 says, For those who love God, all things work for good.

It reminds me that no incident, no harm or suffering, no joy or sorrow, no disappointment or pain need be lost. For with God, we have the power to make everything count, even those things that seem to count against us. Timothy reminds us that prayer can change the course of action of anything by blessing it. What a reminder of our power for good!

I think we all tend to forget this important point of prayer. Remembering it can be a powerful aid in overcoming feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. It is a reminder that prayer does indeed change things.

I'd like to conclude today's ponderings with the words from Romans 8:35, 37-39:

What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who love us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, not height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to  separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Lifting the burden of someone else

My favorite artwork of Sr. M. Grace Thul, OP

I had a talk with the Lord yesterday. I said to Jesus, "Okay, Lord. I've trusted in you. You are my Lord and my God. That being said, you need to step up and take better care of me. I've trusted in you, but I find your care of me has been somewhat wanting of late." I looked up, and repeated, "Come on now. I want some lovin here!"

I wasn't joking. I was dead serious. Life has been, of late, somewhat challenging. Yesterday it all seemed to come to a head, and I needed a shoulder to cry on. So I chose Jesus (since no one else was available). I left for school, and arrived to find I'd forgotten my books and my binder with all my notes. Just great.

I walked into my small group supervision, put my backpack down, and began to complain. A classmate walked into the room and began handing out flowers. Brightly colored asters from her garden. One for each of us (there are only 6 in this class). I stopped complaining, and recognized the soft touch of the Lord. No, it wasn't a check for a million dollars. It wasn't even a hug. But it was a gift, with color, and with thoughtfulness. My classmate didn't know I was having a bad day. She was having a good day, and shared. And it spoke volumes to me.

Next time I am having a good day, I hope I do the same. I hope some thoughtful gesture will lift someone else's spirit, and bring more joy and less stress to this world. I hope I can pass on the Love of God by being that instrument of peace. I hope I can  share another's burden just enough that it ceases to be overwhelming.

So today my prayer to Jesus is, "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace!"

Happy Feast of St Francis of Assisi

The angel of the Lord will guard you in all your ways

I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared. we read in Ex 23:20-21. And in psalm 34: 8 we read The angel of the Lord is encamped around those who revere God, to rescue them.

Who doesn't want to be guarded by the angels? Basil the Great (+378) says that each one of us has been given an angel to protect, guard and guide us. Bernard of Clairvaux (+1153) insists that the presence of Angels proves that heaven denies us nothing that will assist us.


I have heard countless stories of events and incidents where the person was protected in such a marvelous way it was not hard to attribute the protection to a spiritual being. And I have had my own experiences as well, times when I was so protected from harm I can only think that there was an angel at my side. What a marvelous thing, to believe that you have an angel at your side, watching and protecting!

Psalm 91:10-11 reminds us of God's care:  No evil shall befall you, no affliction come near your tent. For God commands the angels to guard you in all your ways.

Happy Tuesday. Happy Feast of Guardian Angels!

Flourishing like a cedar of Lebanon

Cedar of Lebanon

Psalm 92, A Hymn of Thanksgiving for God's Fidelity:

It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
To sing praise to your name, Most High
To proclaim your love in the morning.
your faithfulness in the night.

With the ten-string harp,
with melody upon the lyre.
For you make me jubilant, Lord, by your deeds;
at the works of your hands I shout for joy,

How great are your works, Lord!
How profound your purpose!
A senseless person cannot know this;
a fool cannot comprehend.
Though the wicked flourish like grass and all sinners thrive,
They are destined for eternal destruction;
for you, Lord, are forever on high.

You have given me the strength of a wild bull;
you have poured rich oil upon me.

The just shall flourish like the palm tree,
shall grow like a cedar of lebanon.
Planted in the house of the Lord,
they shall flourish in the courts of our God.
They shall bear fruit even in old age,
always vigorous and sturdy,
As they proclaim: "The Lord is just, our rock, in whom there is no wrong."