What am I willing to chance?

The Prodigal Son. It's a story we all know. I think most of us think of it as a story of sin and redemption, of betrayal and forgiveness, of going off the right path and coming back again. But I think it is more.

I think the Prodigal Son story is about life, and how we don't have to get it right the first time (or even the second, or the third). It is about the freedom God gives us, and our right and power to set forth on our own. Think about it. God gives us an inheritance and sets us free to follow the desires of our hearts. Who of us gets it right the first time? If the prodigal had not gone away and seen life from a different perspective, he would never have come to really know his father. Knowing that father took simply an acknowledgement that he'd made a mistake. According to the story, the Father didn't love him less for that. He loved him even more.

I sometimes think our tidied up religion keeps us from seeing the reality of life. We cannot live within a structure that keeps us from all harm. That isn't living; that is slavery. To venture forth means to deal with life as it really is, without pretense or false virtue. We will be robbed, we will be a victim at some point, and also we will betray our own best selves. But that is not the end of story, the time to crawl back and beg. That is just part of the journey.

I know only too many who, for fear of making a mistake, continue in a false life, where expectations can be met, and no surprise will throw them off guard. I find them the most unhappy people I know.

The prodigal took a chance. And in the end, he grew. What am I willing to chance for spiritual growth?

Finding greater appreciation

It is true, that we appreciate something more after we lose it than when we had it in hand. I can think of countless examples in my own life, as I am sure you can too. There is no denying that losing somehow awakens new insights and thoughts in us. Looking back we find an appreciation, even a longing for that which we lost. This is true even if while we possessed it, we grumbled at our possession.

I don't know why this is, that loss makes us appreciate more. But applying that fact to life, perhaps we can find something good from suffering and trials. For what is suffering and trials but a removal of some of our peace and tranquility, a loss of what was? Perhaps (and I say perhaps) we suffer so that we may develop a different view of life, a view that includes greater insights. Perhaps suffering happens so we can appreciate more. Perhaps we endure so that we can become more transformed.

It's just a thought, hoping to bring something good to the pain we endure in life. For it is true that if we can understand something better, if we can find that little bit of good that can come out of sorrow, it lessens the pain somewhat  It gives it a value.

Seizing the moment

The story of Tobit has some amazing lessons for us, especially this excerpt: Now when the boy [Tobit] went down to wash his feet in the river, a large fish suddenly leaped out of the water and tried to swallow his foot. He shouted in alarm. But the angel said to him, "Take hold of the fish and don't let it get away!" The boys seized the fish and hauled it up on the shore...(Tobit 6: 2-4)  This is truly an example of seizing the moment and making the most of a situation. 

The boy Tobit was terrified of the "big fish" that came to "swallow his foot." He could have solved the problem by running away. But instead he followed the angels' advice to grab the fish in the act of attacking him, haul it up on the shore, and cut it up. More than amazing, the very thing that threatened Tobit held the potion to deliver his soon to be wife from her demon and the medicine for curing his father's blindness.

What a story for us. It doesn't just remind us that we are not helpless in the face of the events we encounter. It reminds us that what threatens to bite us may very well hold some special gift for us. 

Finding an answer to pain

Some years ago a book titled "Why bad things happen to good people" took the market by storm.  I looked up the author of this book, and found it was a father seeking answers for his own pain in watching his son die at age 14. What struck me most was his statement in the preface, that while watching his son deteriorate before his eyes (he'd known his son would die young since he was 3) people gave him answers, but none of the answers addressed his own questions about God and the pain he was forced to endure.

We all know that proclaiming ourselves as followers of Jesus doesn't spare us pain and sorrow.  I think it is a mistake to pass our suffering off with quotes from scripture, quotes such as "Carry your cross" or "God will not give you more than you can bear" or "his grace is sufficient for you." I think that is a mistake because it does not reflect the real question of the individual heart. Remember, even Mary questioned Jesus after his disappearance, asking him for a personal explanation of why he caused her such pain: My son, why have you done this to us? (Lk 2:48).

Pain and sorrow are real, and can sear the soul and devastate a person. I think we best deal with such things by finding our own answers within our heart, by soul-searching for the lesson, by asking God why, and listening for God's answer. The answer may take time to reveal itself, but my journey toward that response will be fruitful, even if I don't see it until many years later. Because the answer best for me is the one I find as I walk through the darkness and pain.

Jesus taking a chance

How often do we read the story of Jesus walking on water (Mt 14: 22-33) and see this as just an event to show Jesus' power over nature. We forget, Jesus was taking a risk too, going into the turmoil to be with those who were struggling.

It is a thought that makes me pause and reflect. I seek situations of peace and tranquility. In fact, I actively avoid persons and places that cause me stress.

And  yet, when I think of how Jesus went into the storm, I am faced with a different course of action, of choosing something stressful or painful for a greater good. How does that translate into my life?

I think that it requires a great deal of reflection and consideration. If I think that I am some sort of "savior" meant to head into difficult situations with the purpose of saving, I am doomed to failure and to making matters worse. But there are times when I must face the storm, when I must deal with unpleasantness, when I must walk right into the storm. In those times, I need to remember Jesus walking on water. His disciples did not say, "Oh look, there's Jesus. Now everything will be all right." No, they were even more frightened, cried out in even greater fear, taking Jesus for some sort of evil spirit. They misunderstood Jesus yet again. But Jesus stood firm.

My journey through life will have those types of challenges, when I need to step into the storm instead of run from it. If I can keep an open mind and heart, if I can remember that Jesus too took risks in his life, then I will have the attitude of openness to what the moment brings. I will know that my action is not about "fixing" a situation, but about following inspiration. And I will remember that grace comes in unexpected ways.

The need to control

I have been thinking of control of late, and how difficult it is for us to either let go of control, or submit to someone who is controlling. I don't like it, and I doubt if you do either.

I am thinking about control because I am thinking about how little control God exercises over our lives. God could. God could make the bad suffer punishment immediately, hold the rain on the unjust, or keep all bad from happening to us. But God doesn't. And I am sure I am not the only one who has wondered, why?

I think it is more than God letting us be free to live our lives. I think that, as Isaiah 55:9 says, as the heaves are high above the earth, so our my ways above your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. I think we just don't get it, that our manner of thinking is not God's way of thinking.

If we got it, we would stop laying on God to operate the way I would operate, should I have the power. For control comes down to a desire for power. And God, who has all the power, does not control.

I am not sure where I am going with all of this. I am thinking that to be content I need to know and respect boundaries. Boundaries allow me the freedom to be myself. When another pushes my boundaries, I am stressed, for I see it as a lack of respect.

Maybe that is God's plan. We need to respect the need for boundaries and limits.

Isaiah  says, as the heavens are high above the earth.... Have we not the power to bring heaven closer to earth? Then, in truth, even as we accept our boundaries, we have the power to enter more and more into the mind of God. Not completely. But enough to shed new light upon old questions.

Living divided or undivided?

Darkness is not dark to the enlightened soul

I don't often think of the cause of “division” on my spiritual journey. If I think of it at all, I think of it as my battle between good and evil, my desires battling the world that challenges me. As I say, I don’t often think of that. I would rather think in terms of unity and wholeness.

And yet, we all battle division in some way. We can relate to what is ascribed to Paul in Romans 7:15, the good I will to do, I do not, and the evil I will to refrain from, that I do. Paul admits finding division within himself, despite his intense love for God. 

I am thinking of this because recently someone gave me her definition of integrity.  Integrity, she said, is the gap between what you say and what you do. Interesting concept. The smaller the gap, the greater the integrity.

This puts division in a whole new light. It makes it, not the difference between good and evil, but my own wiliness to address my struggle and my honesty with myself. In other words, it is not the battle that rages outside of myself, drawing me toward either good or evil.  It is rather the gap between what I say and how I live, my words versus my actions. My own authentic honesty with my life and where I am on my journey.

Looked at that way, division is seen as my own openness to enlightenment. I am divided, not because I struggle, but because I deny my struggle. I am divided only when I remain blind to my human side.

That makes the real question a little different. If I find myself divided, what is my vision? Just how honest am I about myself? Am I pretending to something that isn’t there? Am I open to enlightenment, or do I cling to the false security of darkness?

For enlightenment brings me closer to reality, the truth about myself, and my situation in this world. Enlightenment offers me the choice of truth, and that truth leads to integrity.

When God steps in...

There are times in our lives when we look around and wonder, where is God? Does God care about what's happening in my life right now? What about this 'Good Shepherd' or 'Loving Being' who is suppose to watch over me?

I have had many of those times. But I have also had times when God's hand was so obvious, so tangible, that I thought I would never again doubt. I'd like to share one of these moments.

Last winter a family member asked me if I would travel cross country to help her build her deck. "I'll pay your plane fare," she said, enticing me. "Okay," I responded. I went online and ordered my ticket. $410.

I flew across during Spring Break. We worked every evening and by the last day, we had gotten the deck leveled, framed and everything done but the last boards of decking. But my time was up and I had to go. As we sat at the kitchen table the night before I was to leave, my sister brought out her check book. "It was $410, right?" she asked, poised to write the check. I looked at her in silence. The last few days, a nagging thought had come again and again. I should not take my sister's money. She had two boys, and worked as a waitress. As a single mother, she sacrificed a lot for her kids.

"I don't think you should write the check," I finally said, obeying my inner promptings.

"What? But you can't afford this! You have no money!"

Well, she was right about that. The temptation to accept was powerful.

"No," I said in reply. "I need to do this."

"Well, then let me pay half," she continued. The offer truly was enticing. But that nagging inner voice said 'no'.  

I hesitated. Should I? Or should I not? Finally I said, "No, I should just do this for you because you are my sister. God will take care of me, you watch. God always does."  My sister looked at me, first with eyes of hesitation, then with clear gratitude. 

She took me down to the airport and dropped me off at the curb. My young nephews were in tears that I was leaving. It had been a good time. I walked into the terminal and found my gate. As I was about to claim a seat, an announcement came over the intercom. "If anyone has a flexible schedule and can give up their seat, you will be rewarded." I jumped up and went to the counter.

"I can give up my seat," I said.

"Okay," replied the airline official. "We will give you a $400 voucher that you can use on any other flight, expires in one year. And we will book your flight back on another airline, first class. Please wait while we make the changes."

I stood there dumbfounded. I had barely left my sister's house when God gave me not just the $400 back, but a First Class ticket as well.

I called my sister right away to share the good news.

I used the $400 voucher to fly out to attend my brother's wedding.

And now, when I am tempted to stress out about my situation, I try to recall God's goodness, and this example pops into mind.

Yes, God is good. 

Feeling the pain

The thought given during yesterday's service sparked my own musings...that we revert to victim-hood when we feel overwhelmed with life. Isaiah did it. So did Elisha. Job. David. Jeremiah. Even Jesus had his moment in the Garden. The kick to the gut is real, and it hurts. The secret, said the celebrant, is not to give in to the temptation. To realize I have strength to rise up and move forward.

That got me to thinking how strong we really are and don't realize. Because to be strong in pain is to feel that pain, and to become a victim is somehow to sooth it. I know about clutching the "victim-hood". Somehow it justifies my bad feelings. It lets me continue my pity-party. But it also keeps me down, stunted, and closed. I cannot learn the lessons I am meant to learn.

As dedicated Christians, as spiritual persons, we are called to be alive people, people who do not crumble under pain, people who rise above our fears. I can only do that if I believe in Romans 8:28, For those who love God, all things work together for good. It isn't a denial of pain. It isn't a superhuman attitude or ability to slough it off. It is the courage to feel the pain and learn the lesson.

I know this isn't easy. I am no different from the rest. I don't like pain. But I am learning the lessons pain has to teach, and I am realizing it often coincides with my "growth-spurt".  If I let it.

Being willing to wander

Wandering in the wilderness. Like a scene from the Bible. People seeking God but having to wander through a desert along the way, feeling lost and having to move multiple times.

I can identify with that. I had a dream: enter monastic life, live there, die there. End of story. But it wasn't my story. I had to learn to move on. And sometimes move through a desert of unknowing.

I like to know. But when I surrender to the unknowing, when I wander without pulling out my life map and checking on my status and update, I have the most wonderful surprises. I have epiphanies, transfiguration,  revelation. It comes when it pleases, and I must be willing not to know.

I think we all need to learn that lesson, the lesson of living with unknowing. It holds so many surprises, so many wonderful revelations. If we can surrender.

I hope you have an unknowing happen to you today. I hope that in that unknowing, in that surrender, you experience a revelation or transfiguration. And I hope it strengthens your faith. For we don't always have to know. Sometimes we just need to be willing to wander.