Let there be life

Often we think about drawing on our strengths, of becoming the person we are destined to be, of realizing our potential. Even here on this blog, topics often address issues of making myself a better spiritual person, fully conscious and deliberately living my life.

But there is another side I must not forget: giving back. Perhaps that is what the gospel story relates when it quotes Jesus as saying, "Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles" (Mt 5:41). I always found this a hard saying, as if someone can take advantage of me and I am to allow it. But I think that view misses the point. I think the Gospel story intends to challenge me to give more.

I recently experienced the receiving end. Someone reached out to me gratuitously. The thoughtful and unexpected gesture moved me deeply. As I struggled to voice my "thank you" the person simply said, "All I ask is that when you can, pass it on."

Maybe handing on is never forgetting as well. When I hand on, I stop and reflect how a similar gesture raised my spirits and brought new life to my soul. But I think it is more. I think that when we hand on, we imitate the Creator, who reached out into nothingness and chaos and offered life.

Becoming a single voice

Echos. They fascinate me. Sometimes they do more...they draw me into a "following" mode. It’s not a bad thing to follow. Some people lead into very interesting paths. But sometimes when I give myself over to following, I forget to discern my own choices. When I do that, I lose my most authentic self. I let someone else dictate to me what should be, instead of searching for it inside my heart and pondering over it with my mind and praying over it while trying to discern.

To be authentic means to be brave enough to face myself alone, see who I really am, when no one is around, when I am in my room by myself, when there is no danger of criticism or shock or dismay. For we all fear the reaction we will receive if people really knew us. And I fear shocking myself more than shocking anyone else.

I am meant to be a clear, single voice. I am meant to sing my own song with my own voice.  And when I sing my part, clearly and unabashedly, the melody takes on a new beauty, one coming from something only I can give.

Finding the spiritual vision

How many times in life do we see or hear of someone trying to "fix" a situation? Countless. Perhaps that is because we believe life should be smooth, and when it is not, it is up to us to "fix" it.

We bring that same attitude to our life of faith. Faith should bring comfort, should bring peace, should make life "easy". After all, we believe. But faith doesn't remove all difficulties in life. The road of faith is full of rocks, bumps, confusion and darkness. Does that mean we are lacking in faith? Far from it. But if our goal is to "fix" things when they are rough, then we will do the same in our life of faith. When we do, we miss the gifts waiting for us in that bump, that roughness, that confusion and darkness.

Sometimes the things that happen to us are "messages" for us to hear. If we look at them as problems, we will miss the message. To see them as message means to stop the flow, take stock, listen, be still, and ponder. It means to examine the problem or difficulty, and self-reflect. In fact, no true faith can exist without self-reflection.

Faith is not the ticket to heaven, love is. Faith is the ability for you and me to transform a very tangible, worldly point of view into one of insight, depth and knowledge of the spiritual world. We will fail to achieve that insight if our attitude is geared to "fixing" all life's problems. Some problems exist to teach us something about ourselves. When looked at from this angle, we can see the opportunities we have to open our souls to greater spiritual vision. And spiritual vision, that is faith.

I love you Lord my strength!

I cannot think of a psalm that speaks more to the heart of hearts than psalm 18: I love you, Lord, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my shield, my saving horn, my stronghold!

The psalm offers us a mantra, something we can say while driving, standing in line, or even beginning our meditation. It is unique because it addresses the Lord in familiar ways, and gives images that demonstrate the steadfastness of Divine Love: rock, fortress, and shield. It believes the Lord will deliver even as the Lord stands strong. In effect, this psalm tells us that the Lord is nigh, and will be there for us. It does not ask for signs or wonders, it simply proclaims the soul's belief in Divine Good Will.

It gives us a good example to follow. When we believe the Lord is our strength, we will not fret or worry so much about things that are, for the most part, beyond our control.  We will know that the Lord is there for us, to deliver when fit, to save, to protect.

But most of all, the Lord is worthy of our love. And so we say wholeheartedly, I love you Lord, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer.

L Giussani writes Life is not a tragedy. Tragedy is what makes everything amount to nothing. Yes, life is a drama. It is dramatic because it is the relationship between our I and the You of God, our I that must follow the steps which God indicates. (343)

The I and the You of God. It echos Buber's I and Thou concept, reminding me that there is a balance to my whole life because there is a rhythm to the spiritual relationship. It is not all about God, any more than it is all about me. It is the relationship that must be nurtured. In seeking God, I must not forget that I am uniquely made and that my I will live forever. In caring for the I, I must not forget I am made for God.

The I is likened to the tree planted near running  water (God) that yields its fruit in due season, and whose leaves never fade. (Ps. 1) It is a reminder that growth needs nutrition, and water, just as the soul needs to learn self-care and spiritual awareness of one Divine.

Becoming the modern day mystic

What was the medieval mystic but the person who believed that God could talk to her heart and soul? And we should believe the same...that God can talk to our heart and soul...and we can learn to discern that nudge of the spirit of God from those of our fanciful imagination or of other's influence over us. We can, if we but give it a chance.

Many of us are not encouraged to believe in that small voice within that prompts us in quiet ways. We are encouraged instead to seek outside guidance, to follow the common rule, or to submit to outside sources. Such outside seeking robs us of our inner strengths, lights, and power.  It makes us believe that God does not speak to individuals, but only to heads of churches or people in power. And that is a tragedy.

You have the spirit of God within you. You just need to put yourself in touch with that spirit. Learning to be conscious to the promptings that come from within is not a fool proof process. It is one done only through trial and error, humbly acknowledging when we have not chosen wisely, and when we have.

Let us be in touch with the Divinity sheltered within our own soul. Let us let that Divinity guide us rather than those outside of our hearts. Let us be the true mystics of our time.

Meditation changing life

We hear the benefits of meditation: calm, peace, and becoming centered. But my meditation should go further than just me...it should break forth into life.

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is she who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." writes Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It is a good question to ask myself. Do I take what I learn in solitude and silence and bring it with me into the crowd?

If I don't, then what does it profit me?

Whoever is not against you is for you

I love to think of the scripture passage in Luke (9:49-50) where John says to Jesus "We saw someone casting out demons in your name and we tried to prevent him because he does not follow in our company." And Jesus said to him, "Do not prevent him, for whoever is not against you is for you."  This gospel is interesting because Matthew gives us the same words, but twisted around to what we probably would rather hear: "He who is not with me is against me."

Back in the 1960s a group in France started an ecumenical community they called Taize.  Recently a blog called Monks and Mermaids reminisced about his experience visiting Taize back in 1962, and he wrote:

What Taize gave me was a vision which has never left me, a perspective in which I could discern the Holy Spirit at work in all kinds of situations, indeed in all situations in which he is not excluded...Brother Roger held out to all the possibility of being orthodox without being sectarian, of adhering to the Truth while remaining humble in the presence of those who doubt or deny it, because Christ works in and through them...God does not have favourites...We are all equally sons and daughters of God.

I love this attitude, for it steps out of our defined institutions and looks for the spirit of God within each person. Luke's gospel says that Jesus himself said, Whoever is not against you is with you. I think we like to think more like Matthew...having our lines drawn, and putting others on the right or on the left. And yet Luke gives us a Jesus who sought to unite, not divide. He often bends rules and pushes the envelope in favor of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. 

And that Jesus is the one I'd like to follow.

The Hound of Heaven seeks us

The journey is anything but straightforward

Often we see our spiritual journey as a "following" of Christ. Even the scriptures quote Jesus as inviting others to "follow me." But in reality, it is Jesus who follows us, who seeks us out, who is ever attentive to us, even when we are unaware.

This thought was captured by Francis Thompson back in the early 1900s when he wrote The Hound of Heaven. Thompson begins his work with:

I FLED Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.	5
Up vistaed hopes I sped;

Thompson is admitting the many ways we flee from God. Most of us are hardly aware of these flights. We usually are focused on other things, the things that spell success for us, or happiness, or contentment. We are not actually running from God. We are just trying to follow a path that seems right for us.

But Thompson questions this path. He suggests that in reality, we flee God when we fail to make God the center of our search.

The wonderful part of Thompson's poem is not his realization of flight, but the realization that God was hounding him:

Still with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following Feet,

I find it a comforting thought that no matter how we screw up or where our pursuit takes us, we have Someone following us, not seeking to destroy or even condemn us, but to save.

What are the implications of this hounding? The Divine Being follows us so that when we realize our journey has not brought fulfillment or happiness, we don't have to walk all the way back to the beginning of our search and start all over again. All we have to do is turn around. And when we turn, we find the Divine Hound who has followed close behind, who in effect says:

Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save Me, save only Me?	170
All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.

For the Divine Being would not have our searching be in vain. God only wants that we should make our search in Presence. And once we realize that we do not need to compartmentalize our life, with the Divine Being on one side and success and personal identity on the other, we can stop fleeing. For both can be found in the Arms of the One who cares.  And if we seek our future this way, there is no telling what we will find.

The Garden of Eden

It is not enough to search for God, to strive to live a spiritual life, to seek.  We must be searching in the right places. Sometimes I think that is the lesson we should take from the Genesis story of the Garden of Eden.  Adam and Eve were looking for God outside of themselves, in the forbidden fruit of the tree. It is interesting that in Chapter two, that tree is called "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (2:17).  It is as if the author is trying to tell us that knowing good and evil does not equate becoming godly or like God. Knowledge does not of itself change us. We need more.

I wonder if the real reason Adam and Eve are removed from the Garden of Eden was not because they sinned, but because they failed to understand. God had given them everything they could want. Yet, with all their blessings, they didn't know where to look for growth. They thought it would come from something outside of themselves, from knowledge of good and evil.

By being cast into a harsh world, Adam and Eve actually had a better chance. Not having the comforts and beauty of Eden, their search turned inward.  They realized growth starts in the heart with understanding, not in the mind with knowledge.

It is a lesson for you and for me.  Perhaps we too fail in our search for God when things are going well and life seems blessed. Perhaps we want God in the fruit of success and the taste of accomplishment. And perhaps the difficulties we encounter are meant to help us retreat from searching there to lead us into our heart where we can seek to understand better.  Perhaps when all is said and done, the Garden of Eden is not meant to be a beautiful place but a presence of mind and an attitude of heart.  And when we find that spot in our heart where we retreat and reflect, maybe then we discover our own Garden of Eden, where God is close to us, and we no longer need to seek the Divine in the things outside.

To Dwell in the House of the Lord

I was sitting quietly in church for the Sunday service. I had rushed in at the last minute, and picked the closest empty pew. I'd forgotten my prayer book, so I could not even follow the readings for that day. Worse, I was so distracted that I totally missed hearing the first reading. "Great," I thought, "I won't even know what the theme is supposed to be."

Then came the responsorial psalm. One thing I ask of the Lord, this I seek, to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life (ps. 27:4).

When those words hit my ears, all distraction ceased and I found myself transported back in time. I was standing at the podium in the center of the choir (the monastic term for chapel because all prayers are sung). I was singing those very words, and they were coming from deep within my soul. Lord, this I seek, to dwell in your house all the days of my life. Oh please, help me! I don't understand what is going on. I want this life more than I want anything else in life, but it isn't working for me. How will I stay in your house if things continue in this vein? How will I live in your house all the days of my life if you don't lift this pain and struggle from me? The cry came from the very depth of my soul, uttered in anguish, asking God for help.

But the Lord did not hear my prayer. The pain and struggle did not cease. I had to accept my fate, that monastic life did not suit my personality, my temperament, or my needs. I left the community and the monastic way of life with a heavy heart, longing for that which I could not have.

It has taken me years to come to terms with this reality of my life. During that time, I've come to realize that I can still live in the House of the Lord. I need only make myself conscious of Presence. It is Presence that fills a choir or church and dominates the space. I can bring that same Presence into my life. All I need is a consciousness that Presence contains the Divine Being. Then, I live in that House, be it my apartment, my car, or a walk in nature. When I make the House of the Lord come into my life in this way, I can live in that House all the days of my life.

I remember now. And because of my remembrance, I no longer grieve.

Fall. A time when nature is preparing for sleep is also the time of harvest. I never experience fall without being reminded of my youth, when we spent autumn picking apples and making cider at our apple farm.

Perhaps it is a lesson for life-that when life seems to be dying it is also preparing fruit. I for one prefer sunshine and mild weather. But I also know that apples cannot grow unless they have a certain amount of dormant days. Without that "rest" they simple cannot rejuvenate. And dormant days for apple orchards mean freezing temperatures.

Nature offers us so many lessons. That's why the stillness and quiet we find in nature can be very instructive for our heart seeking souls. If you would profit, take some time to reflect on its cycle. You might even take an apple and sit somewhere quiet, so that you can enjoy the brilliant colors of trees whose leaves are turning even before they depart.

The pitfalls of generosity

Generosity. It warms the heart and inspires everyone around. But giving also has its backlash: regrets.

God loves a cheerful giver we read in 2 Corinthians 9:7. But immediately before this statement, we read Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. So give...not grudgingly or of necessity.

The writer of Corinthians is addressing the fact that even though we know good deeds will be repaid bountifully, we are also warned against the inner demon who begrudges even while she reaches out.

I think this speaks to how little we really know our own heart.

When we read another scripture passage that says, When you give, do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing (Mt 6:3), we should think of our divided selves. For we do tend to reach out with one hand and take back with the other. We do live divided. And sometimes our giving is separated; we give, and then turn and wish we hadn't.

All of this speaks to our disparity. The more I read through the gospels, the more I see Jesus trying to convince us that union of body and soul takes work and consciousness. We tend to live divided, to act without our soul being truly involved. Such action leads to regret, anger and resentment. Jesus is telling us, look inward, test the spirit, learn your heart by self-reflection and honesty. The union is not automatic. It is a conscious and deliberate act.

If we take Jesus' lead, we will attend to our dilemma of dividedness.We will attend to our soul. We will seek to unite.

Then, when we give, it will be without regrets.

Loss and gratitude

Since last evening, the news is concentrating on one man, Steve Jobs. A man who changed many things in our world, yes. But why do we wait until a person passes before we honor them in this way? It does make one wonder.

I have a great friend who still lives in the monastery. She used to refrain from speaking at a sister's funeral because, as she said with passion, it was more important say kind words when that sister could still hear you. She said to me repeatedly, "Don't give me flowers after I'm dead and can't see them. If you want to give or say something nice about me, do it now when I can appreciate it."

I've profited from such thoughts. It makes me think that we tend to appreciate things more after we lose them than when we are able to enjoy them. It reminds me of a quote from Therese of Lisieux, who said that she received countless blessings after she developed a habit of continual gratitude. And an attitude of gratitude would bring us into the here and now.

Such thoughts always prompt me to re-evaluate my life and try to see what I'm taking for granted. Do I have something that is a blessing? Can I not appreciate it fully and completely now? Can I make thanksgiving a daily part of my prayer? Do I have to wait to to lose before I see my blessings?

It's a habit worth developing.

Getting down and dirty and finding the Divine

Nothing can compare with the experience of seeing a rainbow in the sky

Would we ever be content to see rainbows only in books, or go through life only reading about the beauty of flowers, the feel of rain, the awesome sight of sunrises or sunsets? Hardly. Would we be content to know intelligently about falling in love and never want to experience it for real? I think not.

So why are we too often content to let our experience of God be totally abstract?

If you and I want to have a valid experience of God, we must do more than give ourselves to verbal prayer and silent meditation. We need to step outside of ourselves and move into God's world of people. We need to do works of charity, give not with money but give of our time, get our hands dirty, let our hearts feel the brokenness of others, feel their pain, offer them a real hand.

Think of it. The God who created us was not content to know the human condition from afar. The second person of the Godhead stepped into our lives and experienced all that we experienced, all the way to the down and dirty part.

We need to do the same. Divinity is not spread by abstract concepts. It is carried by you and me when we step out of ourselves. We do this when we let ourselves get down and dirty. In return, our souls are opened and the bounty of love contained therein is unleashed. For in truth, we are the ones who benefit the most from these deeds.

If we would experience the Divine in our lives, we must not be content with a clean and sanitized spirituality. Let us get down and get dirty by taking time to actually perform acts of kindness. Let us disrupt our schedule to help someone else. For when we do, we do not just bring the Divine goodness to that person. We release it from our own inner prison.

The Passion of St Matthew performed by Hilarion Alfeyev

I hope you enjoy this version of St. Matthew's Passion done by Hilarion Alfeyev. If you are familiar with the Russian Orthodox chant, you will find this most interesting.

Getting your heart's desire

Finding your heart's desire is a life-long journey

 The psalmist says, "Trust in the Lord and do good. And he will grant you your heart's desire." (37)  This begs a question: do we really know what is our heart's desire? I think not. And I think that the search to find that desire is at the core of what drives our spiritual search in life.

It is the search to find that desire that pushes us to go beyond our comfort zone, take risks, dare to continue dreaming and never give up hope. It is the drive that keeps us dreaming our dreams. It is the fuel that does not let us be content with what is, but pushes us to continue to believe in the what if?


I truly believe that it is the search to find our heart's desire that is the pearl of great price, the treasure hidden in the field, the big catch at the wrong time of day that threatens to sink our little boat of "what is". It reminds us that our life is a journey, and that we should never stop seeking. It keeps us alive and energized, seeking truth and willing to make mistakes in our efforts to discover. The search is what deepens us as persons, and broadens us as spiritual beings. And just as the Divine Being is never done with creation, but continues to draw new out of old, so should we be.

For living life as a continued search requires trusting in the Lord. As as the psalm says, we will be granted our heart's desire.