Becoming a single voice

Echos. They fascinate me. Sometimes they do more...they draw me into a "following" mode. It’s not a bad thing to follow. Some people lead into very interesting paths. But sometimes when I give myself over to following, I forget to discern my own choices. When I do that, I lose my most authentic self. I let someone else dictate to me what should be, instead of searching for it inside my heart and pondering over it with my mind and praying over it while trying to discern.

To be authentic means to be brave enough to face myself alone, see who I really am, when no one is around, when I am in my room by myself, when there is no danger of criticism or shock or dismay. For we all fear the reaction we will receive if people really knew us. And I fear shocking myself more than shocking anyone else.

I am meant to be a clear, single voice. I am meant to sing my own song with my own voice.  And when I sing my part, clearly and unabashedly, the melody takes on a new beauty, one coming from something only I can give.

Living free in the liberty of Divine grace

The search for a true spiritual identity is ultimately a search for authenticity. Such a search includes honesty, genuineness, and transparency with ourselves.

Such honestly is difficult to come by. Somehow, we have imbibed the culture that admires strength, perfection and cleanliness of soul. We think this is true discipleship. But I would argue, it is not.

One has only to read through the gospels to see the type of people Jesus preferred. They were not the religious of his day, those who obeyed the law and kept the Sabbath holy. Jesus sought out the outcast, the rejected of society, and the humble. Have you ever questioned why? I think it is because they were aware of their own woundedness, and therefore were more authentic and genuine than their counterparts. They were not concerned with keeping up appearances because in truth, they had none.

Such transparency is hard for me. I, too, want to appear as upright, spiritual and strong. But I also dwell in the realm of the wounded, the imperfect, the soul who struggles even as she seeks. It is as if we live a double life, one of outward cleanliness but of inward battles. My challenge is not to broadcast my struggle to the world; but to be aware of it myself, accepting my own imperfect soul.

Authenticity of this kind offers us such wonderful fruits: compassion for my fellow men and women, a wonderful trust that can stand before Divinity in her true state and know it is my intentions, not my perfections, that counts, and a freedom from fear. Authenticity is really the only true spiritual way to God. It neither discounts or exaggerates one's human status. And, as St. Augustine says in his famous rule, it allows one to truly live free, in the liberty of Divine Grace.

Acceptance of what is

Wholesome. It is an invitation to gather all things together. The dictionary defines it as comprising the full quantity, amount, extent, number, etc., without diminution or exception; entire, full, or total.  It connotes healthy, nutritious, organic, balanced. It should also be a key word for each of us in our search for an authentic spiritual life.

Whole makes us think of oneness, of all the parts meshing together naturally. It also makes us think that all is above reproach, nothing damaged, nothing tainted. Yet in the spiritual life, that would be false. For there is not one person alive who could claim perfection. And in spirituality, wholeness does not translate into perfect. It translates into acceptance of what is.

None of us comes of age without a certain amount of baggage. We can spend a great deal of our lives working to deny it or cover it. But that too lacks the "wholeness" vision.

What we forget is that "perfection" is a myth, not a reality. Our woundedness does not damage or destroy our wholeness, only our lack of acceptance and willingness to work with it. We sense immediately when someone presents herself to us as perfect, that it is only a sham, that the truth is not being told, that life is being presented very superficially.

Authenticity requires that we accept our woundedness. Who is more beautiful than the soul that lets her authenticity shines through her words and actions, without guile or pretense? And spiritual wholeness requires we accept all facets of ourselves, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Only then can we be "whole".

Be whole. Accept your whole person. Then you can be truly free.

Taking the risk

Why are we so afraid of risking? Think of all the secrets we keep hidden within ourselves. And yet, what is more beautiful than an authentic self? 

I find that I keep up a façade because I fear. I’m not sure how others will accept me if they know the real me. So I don’t take that chance. I stay hidden and unknown, a smiling face without revealing the inner heart. I make an unconscious choice to stay lonely rather than risk openness. How wrong that is!

Carl Rogers once wrote I feel a sense of satisfaction when I can dare to communicate the realness in me to another…It is so obvious when a person is not hiding behind a façade but is speaking from deep within herself. When this happens, I leap to meet it. I want to encounter this real person. (16).

We don’t often think about that, that the real self makes others more comfortable, makes them want to leap forward to meet the real me. I suppose there is relief in no longer having to guess. Somehow, meeting someone’s real self invites me to take that risk myself, to be honest, to be open. It’s as though one risk is worth another.

What great friendships come from authentic selves! What wonderful doors open, and paths cross. So how much longer shall we fear to risk?

Authenticity to Transformation

When is it good to be your authentic self, and when is your authentic self not good enough? I've been pondering this question for some time now. I'll share my thoughts on the matter:

We all know how refreshing it is to be in contact with someone who is authentic. It's like a breath of fresh air, for we acknowledge the courage an individual has when she reveals the true "me".  Such a person has taken a chance at being vulnerable, open, naked. And no communication is quite as refreshing.

So, what's not to like about an authentic self? As a person who is striving to unmask the individual I really am, I've learned that there are pitfalls here as well. It comes when I confuse the authentic self with the acceptable self, when I think that authenticity is good enough. We must never forget that, whatever we are or wherever we are in life, there is always need for transformation. And that's the danger: that having reached a certain degree of authenticity, we may settle. We may forget to continue to move forward, we may forget that what we've found is only a beginning; that there is still work to be done.

I guess its a matter of reflection. Being yourself is good. Staying yourself...not so good.

Capturing the Truth Within Myself

Recently I caught myself in an exaggerated storytelling moment. Later, I thought about the need to always appear somewhat better than I really am, and I asked myself why? Why is it so difficult to present myself without the hype?

I suspect I am not alone in this dilemma. Somehow, we just don't like to be human, bruised, faulty, imperfect. We somehow think that is unacceptable. Somehow, we think others will think better of us if we present a  picture better than who we really are.

And yet, truth is a lot more compelling, more convincing, more refreshing.

The Truth will set you free says John 8:32. We cannot portray the truth until we first capture it within ourselves. That means leaving off the need to be superior, accepting ourselves in reality, knowing ourselves. It means we must spend a lot of time with ourselves, taking off the rose-colored glasses and looking into the mirror with honesty. It means that we should admit that sometimes we are not okay. Sometimes we need prodding. Sometimes we do act in ways unbecoming and belittling. Yes, we are fragile and made of clay.

Will I ever stop telling exaggerated stories about myself? Probably not. I love the look of disbelief I can bring to another's eyes. But I will also never stop trying to learn the real me, to portray the real me when it is serious and important, and to accept who I really am. For there is no fault in being human. Only in pretending not to be.