The search for a true spiritual identity is ultimately a search for authenticity. Such a search includes honesty, genuineness, and transparency with ourselves.
Such honestly is difficult to come by. Somehow, we have imbibed the culture that admires strength, perfection and cleanliness of soul. We think this is true discipleship. But I would argue, it is not.
One has only to read through the gospels to see the type of people Jesus preferred. They were not the religious of his day, those who obeyed the law and kept the Sabbath holy. Jesus sought out the outcast, the rejected of society, and the humble. Have you ever questioned why? I think it is because they were aware of their own woundedness, and therefore were more authentic and genuine than their counterparts. They were not concerned with keeping up appearances because in truth, they had none.
Such transparency is hard for me. I, too, want to appear as upright, spiritual and strong. But I also dwell in the realm of the wounded, the imperfect, the soul who struggles even as she seeks. It is as if we live a double life, one of outward cleanliness but of inward battles. My challenge is not to broadcast my struggle to the world; but to be aware of it myself, accepting my own imperfect soul.
Authenticity of this kind offers us such wonderful fruits: compassion for my fellow men and women, a wonderful trust that can stand before Divinity in her true state and know it is my intentions, not my perfections, that counts, and a freedom from fear. Authenticity is really the only true spiritual way to God. It neither discounts or exaggerates one's human status. And, as St. Augustine says in his famous rule, it allows one to truly live free, in the liberty of Divine Grace.
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