To Dwell in the House of the Lord

I was sitting quietly in church for the Sunday service. I had rushed in at the last minute, and picked the closest empty pew. I'd forgotten my prayer book, so I could not even follow the readings for that day. Worse, I was so distracted that I totally missed hearing the first reading. "Great," I thought, "I won't even know what the theme is supposed to be."

Then came the responsorial psalm. One thing I ask of the Lord, this I seek, to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life (ps. 27:4).

When those words hit my ears, all distraction ceased and I found myself transported back in time. I was standing at the podium in the center of the choir (the monastic term for chapel because all prayers are sung). I was singing those very words, and they were coming from deep within my soul. Lord, this I seek, to dwell in your house all the days of my life. Oh please, help me! I don't understand what is going on. I want this life more than I want anything else in life, but it isn't working for me. How will I stay in your house if things continue in this vein? How will I live in your house all the days of my life if you don't lift this pain and struggle from me? The cry came from the very depth of my soul, uttered in anguish, asking God for help.

But the Lord did not hear my prayer. The pain and struggle did not cease. I had to accept my fate, that monastic life did not suit my personality, my temperament, or my needs. I left the community and the monastic way of life with a heavy heart, longing for that which I could not have.

It has taken me years to come to terms with this reality of my life. During that time, I've come to realize that I can still live in the House of the Lord. I need only make myself conscious of Presence. It is Presence that fills a choir or church and dominates the space. I can bring that same Presence into my life. All I need is a consciousness that Presence contains the Divine Being. Then, I live in that House, be it my apartment, my car, or a walk in nature. When I make the House of the Lord come into my life in this way, I can live in that House all the days of my life.

I remember now. And because of my remembrance, I no longer grieve.