Darkness in a new light

I do not like darkness any more than anyone else. But I find that my concept of darkness has changed over the years. Like most, I too have felt anxious and confused when darkness came. But these periods without light or answers have taught me many things, and I have come to realize that darkness can sometimes be a time of peace and quiet, a time for inner growth and enlightenment. I used to fear darkness, and believe that when one truly loves God, one no longer experiences darkness. I no longer agree.

A sermon for Christmas by Abbot Paul mentions how the most important events in the history of Judeo/Christian religion happened in darkness: the creation of the world, the birth of Jesus, and the death of Jesus.

Think about it. Even in our own lives, we can think of good things that happen in the darkness of night: restful sleep, rejuvenation, growth. A child is in darkness for 9 months as it is prepared to experience light and air. Seeds often need a dormancy period before they have the energy to sprout and grow. Darkness need not be a sad thing.

Perhaps darkness really symbolizes a time when we enter into a state of wonder, when we are offered the opportunity to gaze up at the stars and moon and look for light. Perhaps darkness is our time of gestation, when we grow and nurture our soul.

And as much as I dislike darkness, I choose to remember the good things it can bring me. With that, I can hope again for light.

The gift story

I was frustrated. I had spent the entire day shopping for friends who were very well off and could not find anything appropriate. I'd gone from store to store hoping that something would jump out at me, but nothing did. I went home feeling I had wasted a whole day.

The next day, I stopped by the local grocery store to buy some supplies for myself for Christmas. When I got to the checkout counter, I waited patiently as a young mother in front of me emptied her very full cart. Why do I always pick the lines with the fullest baskets? I asked myself, impatient to move on. Seems to be a talent I wish I could lose!

I watched, a little annoyed, as the mother continued to empty the cart. It was mostly full of groceries, but I noticed a couple toys as well. When it came time for her to pay, she handed the cashier a card. "This isn't enough," the cashier informed her as she swiped the card. The young woman quickly pulled out another card and swiped it. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I noticed she kept swiping the same card. "Debit?" asked the cashier. "Yes," she said and swiped it again.

I looked away, waiting for her to find what she needed. The woman rummaged through her purse without success. I heard her say, "My paycheck must not have come through yet," and saw her searching for money. Her hands were visibly shaking. I listened attentively now, as the woman found a couple twenties and handed them over. "You still owe twenty-one forty eight," the cashier said. The mother put her purse down and looked at her cart. Then she began pulling toys out of her cart and putting them back on the conveyer belt.

I suddenly realized what was up, and my inner spirit was awakened. I gave it a quick thought, and then took out my wallet, pulling out twenty-two dollars. I handed it to the cashier, who looked at me with surprise. I nodded towards the mother so the cashier knew it was to pay the balance. The cashier turned to the mother and said, "Honey, she's got the rest and she's paying for you." The mother stopped and slowly turned, looking at me with surprise. "You don't have to do this," she said quietly.  "I know," I replied. "I'm doing it because I want to. Merry Christmas." She turned away to put the toys back in her cart.

The cashier punched a button and the drawer opened. As she handed me my change, I noticed that the young mother was wiping tears from her cheeks. The cashier noticed too, and tears formed in her eyes. "You don't often see this," she said to the shopper behind me. "I've been a recipient of much kindness over the years," I told the cashier. "Now it's my chance to pass it on."  The mother turned and thanked me again. Then she pushed her cart forward and disappeared.

When I left the story after my own purchases, I felt that I was the one who had been given a gift. I had spent a whole day shopping for people who needed nothing. God let me find the person who really needed a gift. When I gave that gift to the mother who ran out of money, I felt that it was rather I who was gifted.

God gives us opportunities to give true gifts. We need just be open and ready.

You just never know....

You just never know.

You just never know how much you can touch another's life. You never know how your own struggle can inspire others to be true to themselves.

I know someone who has an unusual life. She spent almost 30 years settled, in a profession she loved, and thought that was it for her life. Then a drastic incident caused a huge change, one that threw her into a situation where she had neither security or roots. She accepted that change, and spent ten years on the move. Just when things seemed to be settling down, she again got the call of God in her heart. To follow it required that she leave her job, sell her home, and move out of state. In the midst of that change, she stumbled upon a program that answered the deepest desires of her heart. She accepted the challenge of going back to Graduate school to get a new degree to fulfill her dream. When she failed to find full employment during that time, she accepted little part time jobs to support herself. Lack of funds required five moves in three years. When she graduated, she got her dream job.

The story sounds surreal, but it is true. And in the midst of all of this, she admitted she couldn't help but wonder about herself and her journey. Shouldn't one seek to be settled, secure, and rooted after a time? Why did her journey never seem to end, and what was "wrong" with her life that she couldn't seem to find peace in what she has done, but felt drawn to continue the search?

Just about this time she received a Christmas card from a former co-worker. In part, it read: It is so important to be true to yourself, and you have done this all along. I admire your courage and strength. Believe that you can have peace of mind and freedom to live the life you want. Believe that you will not only survive but you will thrive. I am excited for you. I can see the sparkle in your eyes and your beautiful smile. Your loving spirit stays in this place. You have touched many lives and you will continue to do so. Your path is as special as you are.

This person found the affirmation encouraging. It reminded her that even while she was questioning her own journey,  she was touching hearts and souls and spirits.

Believe in your ability to inspire others. Believe enough to be true to yourself, your calling, and your dream. Even if this causes you to wonder and question, go forth following your truth. By so doing, you will inspire.

Finding the Gift of Darkness

I love the O Antiphon for today, which calls upon the Savior to come and enlighten "those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death."

In a way, the antiphon acknowledges that we all have times when we "sit in darkness," that times of darkness are part and parcel of life. All of us share our highs and lows on this journey.

Furthermore, sitting in darkness does not have to be a bad thing. It can signify the soul who can wait in faith without having to have answers. It can be the soul patient and content to seek without having to be satisfied right now. It can be the soul who is able to meditate, in silence, letting the darkness teach the soul lessons not got in the light.

Sitting in darkness may come as a recognition of my own state, my woundedness, my needs. It may be a time for reflection (meditation) or rest (we all need rest) when we can be still. The psalmist portrays this as a good thing when he says, Be still and know that I am God (46:10).

I think the antiphon urges us to find the gift of darkness, so that light will be all the more wonderful. For the antiphon says that light comes, not to those in light, but to those sitting in darkness, waiting, still, and ready.

O Dayspring, brightness of eternal Light and Sun of Justice; come and enlighten those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death. (Traditional "O" Antiphon)

Find your roots

O Root of Jesse says the O Antiphon for today. A sign for the people, before whom Kings remain silent.

What message can we take from today’s O antiphon? While thinking of yesterday’s gospel, I felt attracted to the thought of going inward, seeking meaning, and using reflection to create depth to one’s life. Now, I can see that such thoughts mirror the concept of roots…for roots seek depth.

There is less than a week before Christmas. When I take a look around, I see lights and decorations everywhere. I like that, for it fills my soul with the spirit of light, the spirit of Christmas, one filled with joy and hope and good feelings.

But I am coming to regard this Christmas season as offering almost the opposite of what should govern our spiritual lives. Jesus came out of mystery, as Romans 16:26 says: the revelation of the mystery kept secret for long ages but now manifested through the prophetic writings--made known to all nations...

For me, to find my own mystery I must retrace my steps by traveling inward where all revelation is made manifest. What do I mean? God does speak to me. But I have not trained myself to be aware of the Voice. I look for signs, for lights, for outward things to give me feelings of warmth and joy.

I need to seek inward, in my own soul, for that same joy and warmth. I will find it when I uncover the revelation that awaits my discovery.

Jesus born in a stable is celebrated once a year. I can celebrate the revelation of the Divine Being every day, in my inner sanctum, in my soul, in my roots.

O Root of Jesse, who stood as a sign for the people, before you kings shall remain silent, and to you the Gentiles shall make supplication: come to deliver us, and do not delay. (O Antiphon for Dec. 19th)

Come and with outstretched arm, redeem us!

The Christmas Novena prayed by monks and nuns alike is best known as the O Antiphons. Today's antiphon is:

O Adonai, and Leader of the house of Israel, you appeared to Moses in the flame of the burning bush and gave him the law on Sinai; come, and with an outstretched arm, redeem us!


If you know the chant, I would encourage you to sing it yourself today. Or perhaps you could find a monastery where Vespers is still chanted in the ancient rite, and this will be sung.

Here is an explanation for today's antihpon:


Exodus 3:2: "An angel of the Lord appeared to him in fire flaming out of a bush.  As he looked on, he was surprised to see that the bush, though on fire, was not consumed".
 
Exodus 6:6: "Therefore say to the Israelites: I am Yahweh.  I will free you from the enforced labor of the Egyptians and will deliver you from their slavery.  I will rescue you by my outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment".
 
"Adonai" is Hebrew for "my Lord", and was substituted by devout Jews for the name "Yahweh", out of reverence.  With this second antiphon we progress from creation to the familiar story of God manifesting himself by name to Moses and giving his law to Israel as their way of life.  We are also reminded of the Israelites' deliverance from bondage under pharaoh - a foreshadowing of our own redemption from sin.  The image of God's arm outstretched in power to save his chosen people also brings to mind the later scene of Jesus with his arms outstretched for us on the cross.(From http://www.rc.net/wcc/antiph18.htm)

I am anointed

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me...  (Isaiah 61:1).

I wonder how often you or I remember that we are anointed. And that the anointing means something. As Isaiah says, the anointing is so that we can bring glad tidings to the poor, to heal the brokenhearted.... (Is 61:1).

I am reminded of how often during this season of the year, I wish others peace, a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year. Yet, according to Isaiah, I am the one who should bring those gifts to others. You and I are to be the peacemakers, the source of joy and a power for healing. We have been anointed for that purpose.

In my work, how often I see individuals who have lost that sense of themselves. They no longer  believe in their strength, their power, or their resiliency. I can help them remember that those qualities are still within. I can be a source of "glad tidings" to the "poor of spirit" who have lost a sense of themselves.

I think that is the true message of Christmas. It is not so much for me to wish you a "Merry Christmas." I should remember my ability to bring "heal the brokenhearted..." The power is there, I just need to tap into it.

I am making myself a promise. I want to reflect on the message given to us through Isaiah, of being anointed, of being a source of joy and a power for healing.

I invite you to do the same.

Is Your Burden Light?

Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.  (Mt 11:28-30)

I cannot tell you how many times I heard this passage without receiving any consolation. I was living in darkness despite all of my attempts to live for God alone. Life was not going well. I was trying, but nothing good seemed to come of it. When I heard the words, "For my yoke is easy and my burden light" I would laugh bitterly. Those words did not ring true for me. My struggles lasted, not for a season, not for a few months or a few years, but for over a decade. I could not understand what God wanted of me.

When I think back to those days, I realize part of the problem was in my understanding of "living for God". In my mind, once you set yourself on a path, you could not deviate from that path.

I have learned, and I admit it has taken time, to recognize signs of the right path for me and the wrong one. The wrong one is when nothing works out, when pain and suffering never cease to come, and when darkness prevails. It's when the words, "For my yoke is easy and my burden light" is no longer true for me. Then I reflect, see if I am the problem, or is it something I am reaching for that is not for me.

I encourage you to take stock of your spiritual life. If you find the burden unduly heavy, then maybe you are not following the path God has intended for you. Perhaps for you, as for me, it is time to make changes. Perhaps the problem is not with God's plan, but with carrying a yoke not placed by God.

As followers of Jesus, we tend to expect challenges and setbacks, things that try our resolve and prove our loyalty. What we need to do is make sure those challenges and setbacks are healthy, not destructive.

After all, it was Jesus who said the yoke was meant to be easy. If you find, as I did, an unbearable yoke and an unconscionable burden, look around. Maybe you are carrying the wrong challenges. Maybe for you, as it was for me, a time to check the path and choose a different direction.

My Image of God

Comfort, give comfort to my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her service is at an end, her guilt is expiated. (Isaiah 40:1)

Few scripture verses bring me the hope and confidence that these verses bring. I hear them every year during Advent time, sang them as the first reading for the office of Christmas Matins when I was a nun, and continue to draw from them. Yet, I still have to remind myself, this is the picture I should have of my God.

I grew up fearing God. I am not sure why, but I do know a picture of Jesus standing as tall as a skyscraper looking into its windows did nothing to help me see God as kind and loving.  (Whoever created that picture did not have a child in mind, and the child's inability to see metaphor....) Nor was I assured of God's love when a neighbor summed up my lack of a fear of the dark by saying, "You know God is with you everywhere, right?" Well, if it was the God who peeked through skyscraper windows, I was definitely afraid now.

I had to work hard reading scripture and spending time in reflection and meditation before I came to a better understanding of the goodness of God. It did not come to me naturally. I suspect I am not unusual in this. With commandants and laws and rules and sin, we begin to see God as the General Inspector. God would like us to see God as Comforter, as the One who speaks tenderly to us.

As I prepare for Christmas in my spiritual life, it is good for me to reflect on the words of Isaiah and remember that this is God's way of relating to me, to all of us. Advent is a good time to sit before God in silence and work on my image of God.

Good things now, please!

My favorite reading for this season is from Isaiah 11:1-5:

A shoot shall sprout from the stump of Jesse, and from his roots a bud shall blossom. The Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him: a Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, A spirit of counsel and of strength, a Spirit of knowledge and of fear of the Lord, and his delight shall be the fear of the Lord. Not by appearance shall he judge, nor by hearsay shall he decide, But he shall judge the poor with justice and decide aright for the land's afflicted....

What caught my eye in this reading is the verse about judging the poor with justice....

I see this as a testament to the inner life. I believe God is not so concerned about appearance, such as in how many times I visit the church, or how many prayers I say, as important as they are. Because I can do all of those things and still fail in the most important task, my inner life.

I believe God is more concerned with my inward spirit, at how I accept, believe, and forgive; at how I battle my own inner doubts, at how I accept life as it really is. I am led to believe that when I am feeling less than I want to be (the meaning of poor), God is there with "justice" (translated....good things).

I like to think of this justice as, hang on because I will make things good for you in time. In fact, I often remind God of the things I've gone though for love of God and would like my good things now. Please.

I like to talk to God like that. I don't think God minds. In fact, if I am anything like God, I rather like it when a child looks at me and says, "I did what you asked. I waited for my turn. Where's my prize?"

Because I have learned not to wait for heaven for my reward. I believe when Catherine of Siena said, "All the way to heaven is heaven," she was encouraging us to  be bold and ask for good things now.

So I am taking this truth to heart. I believe God looks at my poverty with a desire to give. And often, and I mean often, I turn towards God with my trusting hands held high and open and say, "Okay, I'm here. Let it pour out because I am open to accept it!"

Take the wisdom that is yours....

Advent is a journey towards Christmas. And sometimes that journey is not as bright as we would like it to be....


I am reminded of the quote in Jeremiah 23:5:   

                 I will raise up a righteous shoot to David; 
                As king he shall reign and govern wisely,          
             

What is wisdom to you? As I search and read and learn, I see that many faith traditions see wisdom as the culmination of a life lived faithfully and with courage. It comes only after one meets adversity and remains steadfast despite setbacks and adversities.

I guess that makes me a candidate for wisdom. And anyone who identifies with the above comment is a candidate as well. That means you.

How often do we honor the wisdom we have gained through life? How often do we even acknowledge that the setbacks and adversities we have endured has, in the long scheme of things, made us better persons.

So I am here to offer a word of encouragement...if your life has dealt you some hard blows; if you have struggled with decisions, relationships, kids, well then, you most definitely have a claim on wisdom.

Reflect on your experience. Think over the lessons you have learned. Consider how things are different now only because of those past experiences.

Do this, and I assure you, you too will govern wisely.

And the world will be blessed by another wise and honorable soul.

Crooked paths made straight....

I was driving down the road the other day thinking, "Gosh, I wish I could lose some weight. Yea, and I also wish I had a thicker head of hair." A very striking picture of myself began to form in my mind. I was gorgeous! But wait! I also needed more.....more money, more security in life, more possessions, more confidence.... I was carrying on in this manner when something in my head said STOP! 

 As I reflected on what had just happened, I thought of the verse often used in Advent liturgies:

                    Every valley shall be filled in, every mountain and hill made low.  
                    The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth. (Luke 3:5)

I suddenly felt convicted: These words speak to accepting who I am, here and  now, with the imperfection, the added weight, the lesser being I feel to be. I find this hard. I have longed wished I was more....

Mountains and hills are like that...making us believe we are on top of the world because we stand where we can see more. And be honest...who has not dreamed of becoming someone of distinction? Yet, mountains and hills do offer us a bit of fallacy...the need to be on top, or in other words, the need for unreal or unattainable perfections.

It's no wonder Luke tells us the mountain and hill must be made low....

I bring those mountains down whenever I can accept myself as I really am...be it the extra pound or the lack of confidence. 

As for the crooked paths, who has not experienced setbacks and roadblocks along the path of life?  I still cry over "what could have been" had my life unfolded in a neat and straightforward manner. Yet, as I look back, I can see (even though sometimes I don't want to) how these crooked ways led me straight to where I need to be today. I don't like it, but I can appreciate the destination.

What I am trying to say is, as Advent offers us the opportunity to be renewed, let it also remind us of those things that do not need to be renewed. The very real me that I am, without the make believe or fantasy. I can and do get a little crazy at times with this "renewal" thing.

I believe God is the one who accepts us the most. We spend most of our lives trying to be better, or at least in thinking that we need to be more than we are. I believe God would have us learn to accept the imperfect in ourselves, our limitations, our pounds over what we want to be and our hair being less than we desire. Why? Because that is the authentic me. And being authentic is far more powerful and wonderful than being a knockout gorgeous person with distinction. Trust me on that one.

Advent: A Time to be Renewed

I need an incentive to be renewed. The beginning of Advent is a good one for me.

In the monastery, Advent was a time of preparation, meaning that we fasted, sacrificed, and did not play Christmas music during the weeks before Christmas. I admit, this was very hard for me my first couple of years. I did not "feel" the Christmas spirit with so much penance those weeks before.

The real change came with Christmas Day. Where others met Christmas with almost a relief that the season was now "over" we met it with the joy that the season had just begun. Once I became accustomed to this change, I found it altered my whole outlook of Advent.

Even to this day, I like to use the time before Christmas as a time of real "preparation." I decide upon a sacrifice I want to make, and make resolutions for better living. I will avoid the music and festivities already in place, and seek silence and time for reflection. These help me approach Christmas with a more spiritual outlook that has nothing to do with gifts and glitter. It also renews my spiritual endeavors, and reminds me of the values I say I hold dear. I spend more time meditating, which always renews me. As I am renewed, I am grounded as the year draws to a close.

I hope you too can find some aspect of "preparation" this year. You do not need to follow mine, but find a way that really "prepares" you spiritually for the feast.

Dealing with Disillusionment

Disillusionment. It can be a soul shattering experience or a faith building moment. Disillusionment challenges all the assumptions I have held dear and leaves me empty, or it forces me to open other doors seeking greater insight and understanding. That is because, no matter how you look at it, disillusionment breaks the mold of my common belief. I must forgo a faith that has not held up or seek a deeper understanding of it.

I find such times as these are often the most fruitful times of my life, though often only in retrospect. When I am in the midst of crisis, I need to remember that such life-altering experiences do not have to defeat me. I can take these times and use them for cleansing my "easy" type of faith, the faith where prayers are answered and God seems kind and gentle. Disillusionment challenges that concept. God seems cruel or indifferent, deaf and uncaring. God does not answer my prayers. In these instances, I need a new way to understand.
That is because faith is not an insurance against tragedy. Faith is, rather, the foundation for recovery.

A prayer that helped me through such times came from psalm 25:5:  Make me walk in your truth and teach me: for you are God my savior.  It replaced the one I so glibly recited years before from psalm 27:1: The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear?

Disillusionment challenges my shallow belief. If I move forward, it can take me from where I think I am steadfast and unmovable, to where I realize how fragile I really am. I believe this is the true gem of such times, a time to get to know my real self.

Instead of blaming God for my vulnerabilities, I need to accept them. And with deep faith I will come to realize, I do have the power to make the most of them.

The Problem of Fear

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. (1 Jn 4:18) John Tauler writes Be sure that if you do lack this sign, namely, confidence in love’s final rescue of your distressed soul – then all other signs together are deceitful. How do we deal with these words? After all, most, if not all of us, know fear.
I ponder the power of fear – and the emotions that stem from it – insecurities, inability to accept oneself – lack of courage – trust – foresight. And then I delve into Olivier Clément’s book “On Being Human” and read: Then we discover the basic truth about ourselves, that we are loved, and it is because we are loved that we exist. Love has always been offered as the cure for our fear. Love is what allows us to trust and have courage.

And yet, this is not a totally satisfactory answer. As I read the Gospels, I see that just coming to Jesus, just stepping into a spiritual life, brings on fearful events. Think of the disciples. Before Jesus they lived a normal life. Once they began to follow Jesus, their lives changed and they were confronted with insecurities and confusions they had never before known. It culminated those last days of Jesus’ life, when fear overtook them and they fled the garden, not to be seen at the trial or the crucifixion. They certainly had love. But they also had fear.

Perhaps we misunderstand what fear is about. Perhaps we have some romantic concept of what it means to be a follower of Jesus, someone for whom the seas part and the blessings flow. But scripture does not support that image of an earthly paradise.

I think that fear is simply a part of our journey and that it begins when we begin to discover our true selves, the fact that we are indeed very human. I do not think that it will ever be fully cast out. I believe that love makes us realize fear has no real power over us unless we let it. Fear can remind us that we are still wanderers on our way, but love will keep us going forward. When I have a new revelation about myself, when I am going through a transition, I may experience new fears. But love will help me accept what it means to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, and to be human. In a sense, fear is part of my natural condition, so it will never be fully conquered. I channel and control it by my faith, and when I do so, I take away its power to destroy my life.

Perfect love cast out all fear only in the Kingdom. Here on earth, it will be my companion. It is up to me to make it subservient to my faith and hope. It is up to me to keep it at bay, not allowing it to have power over me.

The gifts of God are flawed

When we read theology about God and God-likenss, we read about perfection. In fact, we read terms like all knowing, all goodness, all perfection. So, if this is true, then why are God's gift's so all-flawed?

I come to this question as I remember my cat, Buttons, the cat that came as an answer to prayer. My gift from God.  It happened like this: I had transferred to a new monastery and felt lonely and homesick. I prayed I would "see" a kitty. Instead, I found a little kitten abandoned by its mother, curled up in the leaves. He was about 4 weeks old, scrawny, flea ridden, tiny, and needed someone to care for him. I was allowed to keep him. It was a true gift from God.

But this gift was not perfect. He was not the sweet, cuddly kitten I wanted. As a feral kitty, he retained his wild streak as he grew up, which he unleashed on me when I least wanted it. He was fussy about his food and easily upset if he didn’t get his way. And he used to wake me up early, really early.

One time I looked at this "gift from God" and wondered, why did my gift have to be so imperfect? If God is so perfect, why can't God's gifts be perfect too?

And then I thought, perhaps it is my concept that is flawed. Perhaps my flawed thinking comes from the human experience.  Ever ask someone for help and have them take over? Like since you asked, somehow you are deficient, and they must do it themselves. Ask, and you will be controlled.

God is not like that. When you ask God for a gift, God does not take over. God does not treat you or me like we are so deficient that we cannot handle life. Instead, God gives us what is very fallible. Because God knows, we can handle it. We can take those gifts and figure it out. God does not need to take over in our lives and treat us as idiots. God has greater respect for us than that.

So, when I remember Buttons, I remember the good as well as the difficult. I remember how I had him for 14 years. I remember how I would find him waiting for me at the door every single time I came home. I remember how he loved to sleep on my feet, nap in whatever room I settled in, and would talk to me. I remember him with fondness, because despite his flaws, he was truly my gift from God.

And so, when I receive an imperfect gift from God, I want to remember, I can handle it. Because even though God's gift is not perfect, it is right for me.