Disillusionment. It can be a soul shattering experience or a faith building moment. Disillusionment challenges all the assumptions I have held dear and leaves me empty, or it forces me to open other doors seeking greater insight and understanding. That is because, no matter how you look at it, disillusionment breaks the mold of my common belief. I must forgo a faith that has not held up or seek a deeper understanding of it.
I find such times as these are often the most fruitful times of my life, though often only in retrospect. When I am in the midst of crisis, I need to remember that such life-altering experiences do not have to defeat me. I can take these times and use them for cleansing my "easy" type of faith, the faith where prayers are answered and God seems kind and gentle. Disillusionment challenges that concept. God seems cruel or indifferent, deaf and uncaring. God does not answer my prayers. In these instances, I need a new way to understand.
That is because faith is not an insurance against tragedy. Faith is, rather, the foundation for recovery.
A prayer that helped me through such times came from psalm 25:5: Make me walk in your truth and teach me: for you are God my savior. It replaced the one I so glibly recited years before from psalm 27:1: The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear?
Disillusionment challenges my shallow belief. If I move forward, it can take me from where I think I am steadfast and unmovable, to where I realize how fragile I really am. I believe this is the true gem of such times, a time to get to know my real self.
Instead of blaming God for my vulnerabilities, I need to accept them. And with deep faith I will come to realize, I do have the power to make the most of them.
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