Disillusionment. It can be an earth shattering experience or a faith building moment. It challenges all the assumptions I have held dear, and leaves me empty, or it forces me to open other doors seeking greater insight and understanding. That is because, no matter how you look at it, disillusionment breaks the mold of my common belief. I must give faith up completely, or burrow deeper into it.
I find that times like this have often been the most fruitful times in my life, though I only see this in retrospect. It is good to remember that such life-altering experiences need not defeat me. These are times I can be cleansed of the "easy" type of faith, the one where prayers are answered and God seems kind and gentle. Disillusionment challenges that concept. God seems cruel or indifferent, deaf and uncaring. God does not answer my prayers. In these instances, I need a new way to understand.
That is because faith is not an insurance against tragedy. Faith is, rather, the foundation for recovery.
A prayer that helped me through a time like this came from psalm 25:5: Make me walk in your truth and teach me: for you are God my savior. It replaced the one I so glibly recited years before from psalm 27:1: The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear?
Disillusionment can take me from where I think I am steadfast and unmovable, to where I realize how fragile I really am. I believe this is the true gem of such times, a time to get to know my real self.
Instead of blaming God for my vulnerabilities, I need to accept them. And realize, I do have the power to make the most of them.
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