Carved in stone

We go through many doors...

Sometimes we hold someone's image in our mind as one unchangeable. No matter the passage of time, we think of that person from that one time, perhaps even from one act or circumstance. In effect, we have carved that person in stone.

But no one stays the same. No one is set forever.

Perhaps that is why Deuteronomy 5:8 instructs You shall not make for yourself any graven image. We are prone to set things in stone, and then worship our ideal as true. When we do that, we are so wrong.

I look on my own past, and sometimes wish I had learned earlier and understood sooner. I wish I could have let go more. And matured younger. And stepped out sooner rather than later. I wish I had been more open, more able to question, and realized the difference between an image and a true self.

I wish I had not feared so much, and done so little. In a word, I wish that a lot of my past had been different. And I realize, it is all part of journey.

Michael Himes says if we say we know someone like a book, then we really don't know that person at all. Because we are not books. We are human beings.

If I need time to grow, if I make mistakes I later regret, or act in a way that I later abandon, then I need to allow another the same freedom. It doesn't matter if I cannot see a change, cannot discern the person's regret or difference.

All that matters is that I set that person free. That I let her find herself on her journey. Even as I need to find myself in journey.

Surrender and freedom

Surrender, like a good seed, has many shoots

Surrender. It is suppose to help one let go and be free. But as a recent conversation with a friend revealed, surrender can also bring guilt and sadness. Why would that be?

I have several thoughts on the matter. First of all, surrender, like forgiveness, is not a one time act. Though you make a decision, you must renew that decision every time the thought or desire to cling comes to mind. And that is what I think my friend was going through. She had given up something precious that she felt she needed to let go. And she felt the freedom of letting go as she gave it away. But coming  home, she was engulfed in sadness because, that decision had to be made all over again, and that letting go had to be renewed.

I think there is another aspect of surrender that we rarely think about, and that is consequences. I tend to think of Surrender as the culmination of an act, the final decision. But it isn't. Life is a journey, and we must enter into such aspects of this journey not once, but over and over again. And so, surrender is not the ultimate act, it is just one act made along the way, bringing with it other changes and consequences. Our task is not to lose heart, not to forget the goal, and not to be surprised when our surrender makes us feel more vulnerable, or less rooted.

I think that surrender is not just an important decision that leads to freedom, but an important step in our journey. It is surrender that says I can trust more, I do not need to cling to some security or memento. Surrender takes courage, because it is a definite step forward toward vulnerability. And in being more vulnerable, we do become more Divine.

Hearing the call...each time

When you believe in destiny, you also admit to having a "calling". Life becomes a seeking out of that calling, in order to fulfill one's destiny.

But we can be called more than once.

And so, we must be ready and aware that a calling need not be permanent. We may be asked to move on.
For destiny requires preparation, and preparation takes time. And if, just when you think you can settle, you are drawn forth once again, do not think of it as restlessness. And do not take the attitude that I failed to get it right again. For every thing you do in life is part of the journey, laying the groundwork for your future. Instead, thank God that you have ears sensitive enough to hear the call, and a heart generous enough to move forward yet again.


For in the journey we remind ourselves that we are pilgrims on this earth, and should not settle for that which makes us secure. We should seek for that which fulfills us and know, we are called, not once, but multiple times.

Destination. We like to know, and even in our spiritual life we like to be able to see the goal here and now. But there are times when we have to be content to journey along without having a clear picture of destination.

If you have ever been in darkness on this matter, you will recognize the dilemma. It can be a change of careers, a move, a turning point in life. You pray and ask for guidance, and wait for some clear signal of where you should go. But you find darkness instead, and you sit and wonder, am I doing what is right? Am I going in the direction I need to go? And you pray, “What do you want from me, Lord?”

Such times call for a deepening of faith. It is like the disciples on the boat with Jesus. One would think that if Jesus is there, all should be fine. But this night, a storm breaks loose on the sea, and the disciples are in fear of being capsized, of drowning, of losing their life. And Jesus sleeps on, seemingly unaware of their dilemma. When the disciples wake him, he isn’t so much concerned with the storm as he is disappointed that they are terrified. “Why did you fear, oh you of little faith?”

Those words are a reminder to us that knowing the destination is not the all important thing. What is important is keeping faith, continuing on even when we are not sure. For Jesus is never far, and knowing is not as important as loving. Jesus asks us to believe, even when things are dark, even when we can’t see, even when he seems asleep.

The right journey

There's not much rest. We walk as strangers in this foreign land with no rest and yet this  uphill road leads to the light of home. The night is far spent. The day is at hand. writes Madeleine L'Engle. Her words mirror the thoughts of many spiritual writers...that life here on earth has to be hard, following the spirit means suffering, that pain must become a constant companion.

With such thoughts, it's no wonder some are turned away from Christianity. Who wants to live like that?

Catherine of Siena writes that all the way to heaven is heaven. This certainly contradicts the thoughts of Madeleine L'Engle, and those spiritual writers who portray life as only a journey in pain. Heaven should start here and now, with peace and joy, tranquility and enjoyment. All trials and tribulations should be fleeting, like a flat tire, or the need to fill up on gas!  Life is more! It is moments of light, grace, and awe. It is the pilgrim learning the Divine. 

If that doesn't bring joy and grace, then I think you are on the wrong journey!

Becoming

Last evening, I stood at my window and watched the setting sun turn the sky into a vast arrays of reds and purples, colors that give a whole new look to a pretty regular looking sky, and I thought about some of my recent readings on the desert dwellers.  Some of the teachings of the Abbas and Ammas of the desert are deep and rich, and deserve to be cultivated.  But some of their writings reflects more of the spirituality of their times, especially an extraordinary hatred of the flesh. 

We now know that such hatred is counter to good spirituality and to stable mental health, to a wholeness that heals and a balance that protects us from illusion. And I wondered, should we not be producing new Abbas and Ammas of the desert with a spirituality resonate with present understanding of God and appreciation for nature? Should not we ourselves become the new Abbas and Ammas of the desert?

For what is the desert but our own interior journey, one that at times is filled with dryness, emptiness and tepidity. And where is that desert if not in our own thoughts and spirits struggling to make sense of it all, to make it all matter by seeing with eyes of faith. I would bet that not a single follower of true spirituality can say that she or he has not undergone such a desert in life. And I am just as sure that such followers have found richness, depth, and transformation from walking through these very deserts of the soul. 

Your thoughts should be written down. Your thoughts should encourage us with dialogue, reflections, and insights.

You are a real desert Abba or Amma.  Would you be willing to share your thoughts with us?

Discernment of Roles

Painting by Sr.Mary Grace Thul, OP

How often in life we hesitate because we are afraid of taking a chance? I'm not referring to lottery tickets or horse races. I'm referring to stepping out and daring to do something out of character. Something that speaks to our heart and requires a response, one we fear to give.

Part of our hesitation comes from our lack of perspective. We think of life as all about me. But life is bigger than me. The important part of my life is the role I play, the role I am called to.

But who understands that role right off? How many of us have chosen our role only to discover we've not perhaps chosen wisely? What will make us take the next step?

I often refer to life as a journey because journeys are spend in moving, in contrast to work, which is usually accomplished by standing or staying still. Too many of us are afraid of moving, not so much because of the cost but for fear of a failed discernment, of another misstep. But we can only get it right if we keep trying. Staying in a failed discernment gets us no where. Better to make another failed discernment than fail to discern at all.

A Different Kind of Journey

Sometimes the journey takes us down instead of up

I remember a time in my life when things were not going well, had not gone well for years, and I questioned the reason. Am I afraid of suffering? I asked myself. Am I afraid to face reality? Do I want that which cannot be?

Time, reflection, prayer and discernment proved  that the real problem was facing reality. I needed to move on, to accept my inabilities to live the life I had chosen, and step out into a different life. It proved challenging, but I finally accepted my responsibility and made the hard decision.

I think we all come to points like that in our lives. It doesn't have to be traumatic. It does involve serious decision making. We pray, we reflect, we seek advise. Ultimate, we have to make the decision.

Perhaps the difficulty comes from expecting life to follow some sort of norm. Even though we are scripture people, we tend not to read the gospels very deeply, for Jesus portrays anything but! Yet, in our active, engaging and hectic lives, we do seek for stability. The life of a pilgrim looks wondeful on paper, but is not so romantic in reality.

Reality. That's a huge issue. It has to tie in with what we believe, how we seek, and what our values are.  Sometimes accepting reality can be as hard as my ordeal was, one consisting of a total change of careers. But once you begin accepting reality, you begin a different kind of journey, one with more heart and soul than you had before.

You live on a different plane, one deeper and more aware of your destiny. You begin to be less afraid of fear, and strengthened in making hard choices. You find yourself not looking for peace, but for your calling, for fulfillment in the stage of meaningful living, for God. Because your concept of God has changed, and you know he can be reached, he can be touched, he can be taken at his word.

Making the Choice

Today I was encouraged by a reading from the Song of Songs: Arise, my beloved...see, the winter is past,the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth... Now, I admit, my encouragement is totally natural...the thought of spring, of blossoms, of trees budding and plants bursting forth at this time of year just heartens me! And I know I'm not alone in this!

A friend told me recently how she learned about nature early in childhood. And as she grew older, she took lessons she'd learned and applied it to her life. She remembered when things were tough that winter always gives way to spring and summer. She took hints from her travels through the woods, her learning to pay attention to not only what was ahead, but the path she came from, and applied it to her spiritual journey. And, she said, she is encouraged at the remembrance that the many birds, small and simple as they are, all had their part to play in nature.

Nature can teach us so many things. It can remind us that our spiritual journey is not so different than our walk through the woods. It can remind us through a myriad of images of God's goodness, grace, the fleeting moments we have, and hope for change. It's there for us. We must make use of these gifts.

Julia Verhaeghe writes: Everything is simple in Christ, our friend and brother. Yet, how inclined we are to make the simplest things difficult and complicated.

Sounds like the choice is ours.

Risking for the Dream

 I recently received an ad for a magazine that quoted a Graham Nash song: Make sure that the things you do keep us alive." In ad went on to say, The next day I walked to work, quit my job, and kept walking. Better to be a pilgrim without a destination, I figured, than to cross the wrong threshold every day."

A pilgrim. It isn't an easy life. In fact, if given a choice, most of us would probably prefer a more settled life, one where we are close to family and friends, places we know, roads that are familiar. But being a pilgrim doesn't mean restlessness. A real pilgrim is one who is searching, and willing to do whatever it takes to find.

Perhaps that is the lesson of the story behind Moses and his people wandering thirty years in the desert, or Jesus telling us he had no place to lay down his head. And perhaps the wandering should be seen not as a life style but more of a period in life when we realize we are not where we should be. It is an invitation, a beckoning to a deeper life, a chance to change. Perhaps the pilgrim is best described as the person willing to make the move when it becomes clear what she has is not working, is not life-giving, is not for her.

Being a pilgrim in our day and age requires courage, faith and trust. To let go of what you have for something you are not sure of, but believe must be out there somewhere is awfully close to recklessness. When one departs on such a journey, there are many questions, many doubts, many insecurities. What keeps the pilgrim on the path? The belief that the journey is taking her some place, a place she ultimately belongs. And for that hope, she is willing to risk everything.

Great things are borne of hope. What are you willing to risk for your dream?

Darkness is Not Dark

Seeing and not seeing. It's often a topic here on Monastic Ponderings. We become conscious because we want to see. We practice compassion so that our hearts will respond better and know more. We meditate so that we are aware. It all implies a willingness to journey. But there is another aspect to our journey: a willingness to accept what that journey brings us.

It happens that sometimes we fail to see, not because we are spiritually blind, but because don't like what we see. The product is not what we expected, we'd hoped for more, or less, or better. We find ourselves in disbelief that after all we've done, this is the result? And so our journey has brought us to a point we do not want to be, with a decision we do not want to make, and a revelation we do not like. The resistance can be ever so slight, but resistance it is.

It just goes to show that no one ever "arrives" at a place where struggles cease, despite all the contrary rhetoric . The journey will always have its challenges, and we will always have choices. Paul complained about his own battles, and the reply he received was "My grace is sufficient for you."

Perhaps this is the meaning of psalm 139:12 Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. What we worry about is of little importance, because we often get it totally wrong. Knowing this should help. For revelation can be having our expectations thwarted so that what we think is replaced by what is. It's worth the thought. And isn't that what the journey is about anyway?

Finding our Dream

We are all on a journey, whether we are conscious of it or not. In his book, The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho addresses this issue. He chronicles a young man and his dreams. In the beginning, all the boy wants is to be a shepherd. This is not the trade of his father or family. This is something he chose for himself, and he works hard to buy sheep and leave all he knows to travel around his country, selling his wool. He is happy, for a time. But then something happens to change all that: he has a dream.

In his dream, there is greater treasure to be found, but not in his land. He must go to Egypt. The boy is troubled, and seeks advise and counsel. All point to the same truth: if you want to really fulfill your dream, you will have to take the steps necessary, even if that means great sacrifice. The boy sells his sheep, and armed with this money, sails for the coast of Africa. He barely arrives when he is robbed of everything. It could be the end of this story, but it is not. He takes a job working for a crystal shop, learns how to read omens, and saves up enough money to continue his journey. Where most of us might give up, he goes forward.

In Coelho's story, this is just one of many trials that the boy encounters. On and on the boy goes, never letting the difficulties or dangers he faces keep him from following his dream. As he moves, he grows, changes, intuits more and more, and does in fact come to find his treasure. When he discovers it, he finds the best aspect of his journey is the change he experiences within himself.

Our journey is unique to each of us. Failure will happen on our journey, and threaten to end it all. It is for us to continue to hope and believe, to continue forward in another direction, to never give up. Such are the things great women and men are made of. Such is the goal of our lives. And in this very goal, we will become transformed.

Traveling Alone

Living by the spirit, heeding the inspirations that come, and even more importantly, following the way you discern, does not always result in joy, fellowship and community. It can lead one into a place of loneliness. And during such times, life can seem unusually hard, because we all treasure a friend who can understand and encourage.

I've rarely read anything to guide one through a time like this. Much has been written about "The Dark Night of the Soul".  But rarely have I read about the topic of loneliness, as though it is to be avoided at all costs, or perhaps as if it doesn't happen to good hearted souls.

But happen, it does. I suspect the topic is difficult to tackle. No one wants to learn that when you are most "down" you may even be most "alone".  No one likes to hear...time to bear up, yourself...give up hope for a friend, or even someone who understands. You must go forth on this journey in your doubts and confusion, and stop expecting understanding or even an ear. During such times, life may become darker than night. Because there is a lot we can bear, if we have someone to encourage. To go it alone, well, lets just say that is hard.

During such times it is important to keep the journey uppermost in mind. For it is often during our most "alone" hours that we learn of our weaknesses and our strengths. Continuing forward, believing solely because our faith tells us so, that requires us to reach down into our very depths for a faith, hope and trust we didn't know we had.

We talk about God as Trinity. But we forget, the journey to God involves quite a bit of loneliness as well. It isn't so much when we suffer it, but how we work through these times that changes us as a person.