In psalm 42:3 we read Athirst is my soul for the living God. When shall I go and behold the face of God?
It takes time to relearn life. Reading through psalm 42-43 of today’s liturgy, I remember when as a monastic, I sang these psalms, looking up to the altar, aware that my life was for God and God alone. I found great comfort in psalms like these, psalms that re-affirmed my status as a monastic. I think such psalms gave me a reprieve from my overwhelming sense of confinement. The depression that oppressed my soul would momentarily part, and I would see the bigger picture, and believe I had a purpose in life, one yet to be revealed.
When leaving the monastery, I had a hard time letting go of these thoughts. Just like today, when reading the psalm, these past moments of exhilaration return, and I find myself homesick for those times I stood in the center of the choir and sang these words from the depth of my soul, knowing I was literally living out the psalm.
I have to go beyond this image now. I have to realize I haven’t left the psalm because I left the monastery. I have to know that in my own life here and now, I can still yearn for the living God, wanting to meet him face to face. I have to know that, the sense of purpose I believed in in the past still exists, and waits to be revealed a bit at a time. That I can still stand before God in my heart and imagine my life lived for God alone.
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