Loved by being vulnerable

The longer I live, the more I'm amazed at the human tendency to anger. I am not speaking about the ability to become angry. I am referring to the tendency to carry anger around inside ourselves for injuries or injustices carried out many long years ago. One pin prick, one little rub the wrong way, brings on an eruption like that of a seething volcano.

Perhaps that is why Heather King's words in her book Redeemed struck me as very profound: I thought I'd be loved by being strong, by carrying my own weight, by not needing anything. I'd never understood we are loved by being vulnerable (p. 189). King is speaking of her own anger at a relationship gone awry. In her reflections, she realizes she too has some blame to carry. In her desire to appear strong, she isolated herself.

Being vulnerable is important, not in order to soothe our own angry souls so much as to keep them aware of our real fragility.  We read in Phil. 4:13 I can do all things in him who strengthens me. But in doing, we sometimes risk forgetting our fragility. It is easy, especially when you have been on the spiritual journey for a long time, to believe that you are stronger than you really are.

Perhaps we should keep in mind another verse from Philippians: Though he was God, he did not deem equality with God something to grasp; instead, he emptied himself, taking on the human in all things, becoming humble, even unto death. Being vulnerable does not diminish us; it is rather the fact of our human existence. When we understand this, we remember where our strengths lie.

Finding my true treasure

The morning sun

It was a line on the radio talking about things of the heart. The announcer said, “We think we know what we want, but we really don’t.” He was talking about online dating, and how sites match you, not by the questionnaire you fill out, but by the choices you make on their site. 

Which proves, we have a hard time knowing our own hearts. 

I fail because such discovery requires peeling off my misconceptions, dropping my false bravado, standing vulnerable and imperfect before myself. To do that, I must have one great, big, and expansive trust in the goodness and love of the Divine One. I will not be able to accept myself if I am not first convinced of God’s total acceptance of me; that I am precious in the sight of the Divine.

Perhaps this is what Jesus means when he tells Martha, "You are upset and worried about many things. But only one thing is necessary" (Lk 10:41) Perhaps Martha felt she had to do all of these things if she were to please Jesus with her service. And Jesus upset the whole picture by telling her, only one thing is necessary, that the treasure is more simple than that.

The one thing necessary. How can I find that one thing, that one treasure, the real desire of my heart? It is intricately bound up with my ability to stand vulnerable and wounded before myself, and let go of the need to please. It is found only with a strong and firm faith and trust in a Divine love and goodness.

Value of Vulnerability

We know we are on a quest in life. Yet, we do grow tired of the seeking. I think one of our problems comes from our culture. We like to possess, to accomplish, to arrive. And yet the very nature of quest is longing, seeking, journey. I find this in myself, the desire to "arrive" and find myself sometimes stressed with continued seeking, especially when things are dark.

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee speaks to this kind of attitude, attributing it to our masculine vs feminine side. He notes our quest is goal-oriented, and that masculine values even dominate our spiritual quest: we seek to be better, to improve ourself, to get somewhere. We have forgotten the feminine qualities of waiting, listening, being empty (24). I find these words ring true for me.

Perhaps some of these problems stem from our concept of waiting. For us modern people, waiting is more of a punishment, an inconvenience, a test. Waiting implies some sort of failure to arrive. Possession is seen as our accomplishment. And not to have possession implies emptiness.

Yet, much happens in waiting. We do more self-reflection while waiting than in possession. We are more attentive, more alert, more filled with desire. Waiting also increases our yearning. Vaughan-Lee  says longing awakens us to our own need,a need which we can never satisfy, and so we become infinitely vulnerable, exposed to this need.

 None of us like to be vulnerable. Yet, isn't that our true state? The secret to accepting vulnerability is to stay aware of our protector, the all-present ALL. Only then will yearning bear fruit. Only then will we see value in waiting.

Vulnerable Light

Silverdale, UK

I love pictures of sunrises and sunsets. It's when the light of day shatters and become vulnerable, so that we see what is has hidden from us, its brilliant colors, its shadows and darkness, its play on water. Not every sunrise or sunset. But enough for us to get the point.

Life is often painful, so that we want to protect ourselves with a hard shell. But shells work only to isolate, and that brings more pain. Being vulnerable requires great strength, and the ability to find shadowed light even in darkness. Vulnerability means openness, acceptance, and great inner strength. It is one way we can powerfully show we are followers of the Way: that we allow no darkness to obscure our light, no matter what color or shape it may take.