The trouble with images

Disillusionment. It is a favorite topic of mine. Partly because I see it in the Gospels. Take the Gospel of Mark 10: 35-45, where James and John request to sit on Jesus left and right hand in the kingdom, and Jesus tells them they know not what they are asking. They find what makes them worthy is not what they think. This topic is often in scripture.

I have also learned about disillusionment from my own journey, from how I have discovered things in life, things I had no clue were happening deep inside of me, until something or someone touched me deep down where I knew not, and I found there a seat of emotion and pain.

Disillusionment rocks our boat and threatens our safety. It has to. For disillusionment tells us our image of life and of God are not quite accurate. I think how we handle disillusionment determines whether it becomes a period of growth or a period of darkness that defeats.

I have an image of God within my own mind, and that God is supposed to be loving and kind. Yet, sometimes the pain I suffer in life makes me question that. 

I found great comfort in the words of Revelation 21:3-4: I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with humankind. He will dwell with them and they will be God's people and God will always be with them as their God. God will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, for the old order has passed away."

These words tell me that God knows my tears. Not only does God know them, but the words imply that God will wipe every tear from my eyes. I find comfort from this verse, as it reminds me that my suffering shall not be forgotten. Somehow, in God's plan of things, it shall count for something. God did not save me from suffering. But God will turn that suffering into something better.

I continue to experience disillusionment along my journey. I hold on to the hope that each time I experience disillusionment, it will not be a defeat, but rather a peeling away of the layers of my ignorance.

For disillusionment can be God's way of teaching me. I can learn only if I let go of Whom I want my God to be and accept Who God really is. I can take disillusionment not as my stumbling block, but as another door opening to a deeper understanding. I can. It just takes time and patience.