Going forward on the journey

Sometimes when I look back over my life, I wonder why I could not have taken the more "traditional" path: know what I want, pursue it, and then find contentment with what I get. This has hardly been my journey.

Instead, my pursuit has often left me wanting. I would stare at my achievement, and wonder why I did not find the satisfaction I expected. Reflection and time set me again on another pursuit, with much the same result. As I set out yet again, I cannot help but wonder, am I unique? Or are there others who also find that the first pursuit did not reveal the true desire of the heart?

Catherine of Siena tells us that, when we look back and see that life has been less than straightforward, there is a tendency to become discouraged. She writes we become frustrated with ourselves and abandon our spiritual practices, thinking God must not be pleased or satisfied with what we have been doing. That is the temptation, to yield to discouragement and stay with what one has.

But I believe that life is not meant to be straightforward, that we learn lessons only with reflection on the past. Then we decide how to make today's journey just a little bit better. Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee believes it is a matter of surrendering. He writes Love's union is stamped within the heart, and our own self is the only veil that separates us from this mystical secret. Once love has brought us Home, we realize the illusory nature of our ego; we come to know how we have always belonged to love--the ego, battered into surrender, melted down by longing, steps aside and allows us to glimpse this truth (p. 123).


Vision comes slowly.  I must continue my search, knowing that each surrender helps me tear away a little of the veil that separates me from the mystical secret in my heart. I must never give in to discouragement, but accept this for what it is, a life-long endeavor.

To stay true to my journey, I find it helpful to remember the words of psalm 18:1: I love you Lord, my strength.

Stay the pursuit. Only then will you come to the mystical secret of the heart.