Dealing with Disillusionment

Disillusionment. It can be a soul shattering experience or a faith building moment. Disillusionment challenges all the assumptions I have held dear and leaves me empty, or it forces me to open other doors seeking greater insight and understanding. That is because, no matter how you look at it, disillusionment breaks the mold of my common belief. I must forgo a faith that has not held up or seek a deeper understanding of it.

I find such times as these are often the most fruitful times of my life, though often only in retrospect. When I am in the midst of crisis, I need to remember that such life-altering experiences do not have to defeat me. I can take these times and use them for cleansing my "easy" type of faith, the faith where prayers are answered and God seems kind and gentle. Disillusionment challenges that concept. God seems cruel or indifferent, deaf and uncaring. God does not answer my prayers. In these instances, I need a new way to understand.
That is because faith is not an insurance against tragedy. Faith is, rather, the foundation for recovery.

A prayer that helped me through such times came from psalm 25:5:  Make me walk in your truth and teach me: for you are God my savior.  It replaced the one I so glibly recited years before from psalm 27:1: The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear?

Disillusionment challenges my shallow belief. If I move forward, it can take me from where I think I am steadfast and unmovable, to where I realize how fragile I really am. I believe this is the true gem of such times, a time to get to know my real self.

Instead of blaming God for my vulnerabilities, I need to accept them. And with deep faith I will come to realize, I do have the power to make the most of them.

The Problem of Fear

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. (1 Jn 4:18) John Tauler writes Be sure that if you do lack this sign, namely, confidence in love’s final rescue of your distressed soul – then all other signs together are deceitful. How do we deal with these words? After all, most, if not all of us, know fear.
I ponder the power of fear – and the emotions that stem from it – insecurities, inability to accept oneself – lack of courage – trust – foresight. And then I delve into Olivier Clément’s book “On Being Human” and read: Then we discover the basic truth about ourselves, that we are loved, and it is because we are loved that we exist. Love has always been offered as the cure for our fear. Love is what allows us to trust and have courage.

And yet, this is not a totally satisfactory answer. As I read the Gospels, I see that just coming to Jesus, just stepping into a spiritual life, brings on fearful events. Think of the disciples. Before Jesus they lived a normal life. Once they began to follow Jesus, their lives changed and they were confronted with insecurities and confusions they had never before known. It culminated those last days of Jesus’ life, when fear overtook them and they fled the garden, not to be seen at the trial or the crucifixion. They certainly had love. But they also had fear.

Perhaps we misunderstand what fear is about. Perhaps we have some romantic concept of what it means to be a follower of Jesus, someone for whom the seas part and the blessings flow. But scripture does not support that image of an earthly paradise.

I think that fear is simply a part of our journey and that it begins when we begin to discover our true selves, the fact that we are indeed very human. I do not think that it will ever be fully cast out. I believe that love makes us realize fear has no real power over us unless we let it. Fear can remind us that we are still wanderers on our way, but love will keep us going forward. When I have a new revelation about myself, when I am going through a transition, I may experience new fears. But love will help me accept what it means to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, and to be human. In a sense, fear is part of my natural condition, so it will never be fully conquered. I channel and control it by my faith, and when I do so, I take away its power to destroy my life.

Perfect love cast out all fear only in the Kingdom. Here on earth, it will be my companion. It is up to me to make it subservient to my faith and hope. It is up to me to keep it at bay, not allowing it to have power over me.