Waking up the soul

I have to confess, that with the pressure of school work, I have not a thought in my mind these days but stats theories, memorization of diagnosis, and journey. It makes me realize again, how important good friends and good reading are to the soul.

Which makes me wonder how the Desert Abbas and Ammas made it out there all alone. When I read their stories a little closer, I find that though they may have lived in solitude, there was a lot of visiting going on from one cave to another. They were not really "alone".

I think of being "alone" as both a blessing and a curse. Like most individuals who have a passion for writing, I love my solitude. Nothing pleases me more than being alone to sit and reflect and write.

And yet, too much quiet time brings out the demons of loneliness. And I think loneliness can drive one to all sorts of things.

This comes to mind particularly because of the death of the well known artist of Light, Thomas Kinkade. An artist whose paintings contained an inner light, he himself was tormented by all kinds of demons. I have to wonder, did his paintings portray more of what he desired rather than what he actually had? Did his own inner darkness bring forth his desire for light?

Perhaps it is the same for us. Perhaps our creative juices come more from our longing for rather than our actual possession. Perhaps trial and tribulation come not to burden us, but to awaken our soul.

Such are my thoughts this morning.

Darkness is not dark

Seeing and not seeing. It's often a topic here on Monastic Ponderings. We become conscious because we want to see. We practice compassion so that our hearts will respond better and know more. We meditate so that we are aware. It all implies a willingness to journey. But there is another aspect to our journey: a willingness to accept what that journey brings us.

It happens that sometimes I fail to see, not because I am spiritually blind, but because I don't like what I find. The product is not what I expected, I had hoped for more, or less, or better. I find myself in disbelief that after all I've done, this is the result? And so my journey has brought me to a point I do not want to be, with a decision I do not want to make, and a revelation I do not like. The resistance can be ever so slight, but resistance it is.

It just goes to show that no one ever "arrives" at a place where struggle ceases, despite rhetoric to the contrary. The journey will always have its challenges, and we will always have choices. Paul complained about his own battles, and the reply he received was "My grace is sufficient for you."(2 Cor. 12:9)

Perhaps this is the meaning of psalm 139:12 Darkness is not dark for you, and night will be light as the day. What I worry about is really of little importance, because I am prone to get it wrong. Knowing this should help. For revelation can be having our expectations thwarted so that what we think is replaced by what is. It's worth the thought. And isn't that what the journey is about anyway?