An Appointment with Myself

Many of my clients admit that making the decision to come to therapy is a hard one, often forced upon them when they realize they can no longer manage. I tell them, yes it is scary. 

Therapy is about meeting the true you. And sometimes that is scary. We fear we will hear that we are in the wrong, or we have some dysfunctional diagnosis, or we have acted badly, or any of the other fearful words.

What usually happens is, you find your true self, and that is actually liberating, empowering, and healing. The real you is not the one you imagine, the one you fear. The real you is the one who had somehow gotten confused by gas-lighting, or lost because she took care of everyone else, or filled with fear due to some past trauma. I help you find that person by first helping you feel safe, checking out all of your tools so that you are taking time for self-care, learning how to self-sooth, and working on reframing the negative messages that keep you from knowing your true self. I walk with you, but you do the hard work.

The work is demanding. The work is rewarding. And it is possible, as I see with clients who come through their dark times into a new, lighter, more balanced life.

Mistaking Action for Intentions

I crashed through the towering pines, heedless of the thickets. I didn't watch for snakes. I didn't even notice which direction I was headed. I was only aware of the pain in my soul, the repeated actions that made me feel I was expendable, the feeling of being overwhelmed by so many criticisms. As I rushed, tears came. I pushed on. "How can they?" I questioned. "How can they care so little? Treat me like I don't matter? How can they dismiss my concerns, tell me I fabricate things looking for attention. Who wants their attention when it is always critical?"

When I look back on those years of my life and see the struggles I endured, the pain I suffered at feeling uncared for or misunderstood or judged unkindly, I also see where I needed to grow. I see I sometimes took things personally, or had unrealistic expectations of others, even as I suffered because I was not trusted or valued or approved. 

I don't blame myself now for not seeing this clearly. I was very young at the time, and needed guidance on how to be emotionally mature. I needed someone to model for me how you step back and see the bigger picture. But that guidance was missing. I realize now, it was because the individuals themselves did not know how to be emotionally mature. Instead, they blamed it all on me. And so the cycle of abuse, the trauma and turmoil was perpetrated. 

I realize now how often we look at things personally, and mistake an individual's actions as their intentions. Emotional Maturity teaches us to step back, see the bigger picture, and realize my interpretation is only one interpretation. There are at least two interpretations to every interchange, mine and the intentions of the person acting. And there are many things affecting that situation. The person could have just gotten bad news, or suffering some mishap themselves, or just plain tired. It is not always me.

The ability to step back and see the bigger picture can change our lives. It can take the sting out of things said or done that sound disrespectful.

The bigger picture will help you see that we often mistake a person's actions because we add intentions to it. And the intentions we assign are our intentions, what we would mean if we had said or done such a thing. 

We help ourselves when we give ourselves time for calming after being upset. Then, when we have calmed ourselves, we need to step back and think of other interpretations of the words or actions.

My Thoughts on Pain and Darkness

Embracing Darkness

I do not like darkness any more than anyone else. But I find that my concept of darkness has changed over the years. Like most, I too have felt anxious and confused when darkness came into my life in the form of doubts, insecurity, pain, suffering and loss. But in those periods without light or answers, I learned things I didn’t learn in the light. I came to realize that darkness can sometimes be a period of peace and quiet, a chance for inner growth and enlightenment. I used to fear darkness, and believe that when one truly loves God, one no longer experiences darkness. I no longer think that way.

A sermon by Abbot Paul mentions how the most important events in the history of Judeo/Christian religion happened in darkness: the creation of the world, the birth of Jesus, and the death of Jesus.

Think about it. I am sure you, too, can remember something good that came from the darkness of night: restful sleep, rejuvenation, growth. A child is in darkness for 9 months as it prepares to experience light and air. Seeds often need a dormancy period before they have the energy to sprout and grow. Darkness need not be a damaging event. 

I am working on looking at my periods of darkness as a symbol of times of wonder, of deeper trust, of risking. Perhaps darkness is our time of gestation, when we grow and nurture and prepare our soul for a new birth.

As much as I dislike darkness, I am working to remember the good things it brought me. I find I appreciate light and grace and growth more because of the journey through I had to learn to experienced, but had not seen before due to grief and loss. 

Believe in Your Journey

You just never know.

You just never know how much you can touch another's life. You never know how your own struggle can inspire others to be true to themselves.

I know someone who has an unusual life. She spent almost 30 years settled, in a profession she loved, and thought that was it for her life. Then a drastic incident caused a huge change, one that threw her into a situation where she had neither security or roots. She accepted that change, and spent ten years on the move. Just when things seemed to be settling down, she again got the call of God in her heart. To follow it required that she leave her job, sell her home, and move out of state. In the midst of that change, she stumbled upon a program that answered the deepest desires of her heart. She accepted the challenge of going back to Graduate school to get a new degree to fulfill her dream. When she failed to find full employment during that time, she accepted little part time jobs to support herself. Lack of funds required five moves in three years. When she graduated, she got her dream job.

The story sounds surreal, but it is true. And in the midst of all of this, she admitted she couldn't help but wonder about herself and her journey. Shouldn't one seek to be settled, secure, and rooted after a time? Why did her journey never seem to end, and what was "wrong" with her life that she couldn't seem to find peace in what she has done, but felt drawn to continue the search?

Just about this time she received a Christmas card from a former co-worker. In part, it read: It is so important to be true to yourself, and you have done this all along. I admire your courage and strength. Believe that you can have peace of mind and freedom to live the life you want. Believe that you will not only survive but you will thrive. I am excited for you. I can see the sparkle in your eyes and your beautiful smile. Your loving spirit stays in this place. You have touched many lives and you will continue to do so. Your path is as special as you are.

This person found the affirmation encouraging. It reminded her that even while she was questioning her own journey,  she was touching hearts and souls and spirits.

Believe in your ability to inspire others. Believe enough to be true to yourself, your calling, and your dream. Even if this causes you to wonder and question, go forth following your truth. By so doing, you will inspire.

Are you Getting it Right?

The longer I live, the more I meditate, the more I see that my past spirituality got so much of "it" wrong. What do I mean? Well, I was taught the merit system. I was taught that I must toil my way toward paradise, fearing hell all the way. I was taught heaven was hard to attain, and God was hard to please. 

And then life happened. The merit system did not bring me the peace and security it was supposed to. The neat answers I was given did not work in real life. And so I sought more. I came upon authors like Hans Urs von Balthasar, Richard Rohr, Henri Nouwen and Paulo Coelho, who challenged my concepts and my training in spirituality. I learned that challenging my spirituality actually helped me find good, solid ground. I accepted that challenge. Searching helped me shake out the dross of opinions and trite sayings, and arrive at a more solid ground. It grew my way of thinking. 

When I stop to ponder now, I really I was taught to be afraid, to see God as hard to please. I now wonder, do we as humans promote this concept of the merit system because it gives us some sense of control? Do we do so because we want to be able to differentiate between those who qualify, and those who don't? Are we making spirituality a "club" where all the members abide by the rules or else are banned?

It would seem so. 

But as I am learning, God does not operate like that. God does not keep a check list, counting our deeds and planning punishment. When God watches over us, God wants to defend us, forgive us, and transform us. We are the ones who put up barriers, live by fear, let our faulty understanding halt God’s love.

So I need to put fear aside. For God is not hard to please. Humans are. And God is not human. 

God is Divine.

The Problem of Unanswered Prayers

This morning's scripture passage is from the first letter of John, and I quote: "We receive from God whatever we ask..."

I wonder what John is speaking of, as I know of no one who receives from God whatever she asks.

I, for one, have lived with many unanswered prayers. Not just from today, but from yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. In fact, I have a lifetime of unanswered prayers. From years and years of asking. From years and years of needs.

I look at all of these unanswered prayers and think, what does it say about me? What does it say about my God?

I have come to believe that it says life is full of mystery. When confronted with unanswered prayer, I have to rethink my faith, and my prayer. I am reminded that life is full of unknowning.

Take unanswered prayer. It taught me a new kind of silence. 

I learned silence in the monastic life. In the beginning, I only practiced the silence imposed by the rule. I thought that kind of silence would bring me to contemplative prayer.

Then came difficult times, and a series of unanswered prayer. When you are a cloistered nun, and your whole life is given over to prayer, to experience unanswered prayer is to question everything you say you believe in. It challenges the very value you have in the life you live.

I came to a point where I had to give up asking. One can endure unanswered prayer for only so long. So, I stopped asking. I became silent. A silence imposed by God's silence. A silence that came from darkness. My unanswered prayers evolved into not knowing what to say.

In that darkness, in that silence, I learned a new kind of prayer. I learned mystery. I learned the prayer that listens.

Sitting before God in a stance of listening gave me a new relationship with God. I accepted my unknowing and accepted uncertainty. I recognized that some darkness is really mist from the clouds I walk through as I reach a new horizon. I learned to be happy with less. I found inner peace because I was not placing demands upon myself and on God. Demands made through my prayers. 

And so, I learned not to be so concerned about unanswered prayer and be more concerned with listening. Because as we reach new horizons, we find we need less. And in the spiritual world, less really is more. More peace. More contentment. More mystery. 

Concrete Ways to Process Painful Memories

In everyone's life, there are incidents that cause us pain. These painful incidents can keep us tied up in resentments, anger, or grief. According to Peter Levine, the body has its own natural way of allowing such sentiments to be process, through the emotions that they create.

Letting go of incidents is not easy. Memories stimulate feelings, and recalling them can increase the distress of the event. How do we process them? Not by shutting down the emotions, blocking them, or ignoring them. We can only release the memory of the incident by allowing ourselves to experience the emotions they evoke, until they are gone.

Often in an EMDR session, we will concentrate on the emotions that come up with certain memories. Then we find where those emotions are felt in the body. It can be a stiff neck, an aching head or jaw, or knots in the stomach. Once the area has been identified, we process that area by allowing ourselves to feel that stiff heck, or aching jaw, or knot in the stomach, and stay with it while using the bi-lateral stimulation, until the feeling dissipates. This is the body's nature way of dealing with emotions.

If you have a distressing memory, I encourage you to examine your physical being until you discover where the emotions are lodged in the body. Then, using the butterfly tap, allow yourself the time and space to just feel that space until the body has dissipates that feeling.

I hope this technique will help you in dealing better with painful memories

Holy Week - Repentance

Holy Thursday, a day of remembrances. It is the beginning of the Triduum, the start of the holy days. it is during lent that we think of repentance. But what does it really mean to repent?

I read recently from St John Climacus that "To define repentance as the awareness of individual guilt is to risk emptying it of meaning (Sermons, ed. Constantinople, p. 118). I take that as an admission that we are short sighted when it comes to scripture, to understanding the message of Jesus, and our interpretation to the meaning of Jesus' words.

I have been on this journey a long time. I used to see repentance as "the awareness of individual guilt." I grown to believe differently, that true repentance is more about the acknowledge of truth, about myself, about my actions, and about my intentions. It is the willingness to admit my mistakes, in the hope that I will make better choices moving forward.

Jesus is quoted saying to Pilate, "Everyone who seeks the truth hears my voice." (Jn 18:27). After years of personal journeying towards truth, of questioning rules and customs and ceremonies and discarding the crass and human elements, of seeking and being confused, I believe that 'repentance' happens when I question what I am told, dig deeper for proof of truth, knowing that authenticity can bear examination.

For how else can I know what is false, what is wrong, what I need to change. To be told these things is to remain superficial about it. For it to be honest, I need to be the one working.

True, this takes discipline, so that I learn first how to submit before I challenge, and it requires humility that keeps me from thinking may way is the only way. But it also takes practice to hear the small voice of God in my heart, and great courage to be willing to be different.

I pray that this may be your repentance this Holy Week.