Is your spirituality hurting you?

I confess, I am a proponent of spirituality. I believe it helps us in invaluable ways: believing in something bigger than yourself helps you feel grounded. It gives you direction in life. And it helps you find meaning in a world where there is plenty of confusion and pain.

Yet, over and over again, I meet with individuals whose spirituality is more of a roadblock than a guide. And I confess, I have used it that way myself.

Here's what I've learned from my own experience. I had safety in religion and the guidelines it offers. It told me what I should believe, and how I should conduct myself. I liked that, because it offered security and stability.

But then came a point where it failed to be true in all circumstances of my life, leaving me with unanswered questions.

I had to be disillusioned before I would risk stepping further. I had to stop using my beliefs as a shield, and begin questioning, seeking answers not given to me by religion or past beliefs.

As I reflect on this journey, I realize that spirituality should be something that grows beyond the groundedness we feel in a certain belief or religion. If I do not grow, then I have let religion and spirituality be a shield instead of a journey.

Just something to think about.

I am loved

I think this quote from the letter of John surpasses most other quotes:

"In this is love; not that we have loved God, but that God loved us."

This thought of God's love strengthens me as I journey through life. I also find that this thought does not automatically bring comfort. 

For one, I find that God's love sometimes spells disaster. Think of the gospel stories: The Magi were content people until they met Jesus. After their visit they had to flee for their lives for fear of Herod. Mary and Joseph, too, seem quite normal people until Jesus comes along. Their first act was to flee into Egypt because of the threat of death.

Even in our own lives, how many times has loving God caused more trials than we would have undergone otherwise?

So, I have to stop and think. And my thought is, God's love is not some superficial happiness. God's love helps effect a deepening of our spiritual lives. And that requires us to strip off all that is false and shallow so that we can be more authentic.

When I strip, I discover something new, something hidden, something I would not have seen otherwise. This is how God's love works....God would have us leave off the empty show of words and deeds and stand tall in our own truth. When I strip off the false, I stand naked just as I am. And I can only do this if I am convinced of God's love.

Carlos Ezpiroz Costa writes in contemplation we see in light what others can not see. Jesus brings always-Light. Our first real glimpse of ourselves is quite frightening-and we will suffer shock until we come to accept our own reality. This is why it is important to remember that God has already loved us, in full knowledge of our true selves, long before we know it ourselves.

Finding Peace in Unanswered Prayer

This morning's scripture passage is from the first letter of John, and I quote: "We receive from God whatever we ask..."

I wonder what John is speaking of, as I know of no one who receives from God whatever she asks.

I, for one, have lived with many unanswered prayers. Not just from today, but from yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. In fact, I have a lifetime of unanswered prayers. From years and years of asking. From years and years of needs.

I look at all of these unanswered prayers and think, what does it say about me? What does it say about my God?

It says that life is full of mystery. When confronted with unanswered prayer, I have to rethink my faith, and my prayer. I am reminded that life is full of unknowning.

Take unanswered prayer. It taught me a new kind of silence.

I learned silence in the monastic life. In the beginning, I only practiced the silence imposed by the rule. I thought that kind of silence would bring me to contemplative prayer.

Then came difficult times, and a series of unanswered prayer. When you are a cloistered nun, and your whole life is given over to prayer, to experience unanswered prayer is to question everything you say you believe in. It challenges the very life you live.

I came to a point where I had to give up asking. One can endure unanswered prayer for only so long. So I stopped asking. I became silent. A silence imposed by God's silence. A silence that came from darkness. My unanswered prayers evolved into not knowing what to say.

In that darkness, in that silence, I learned a new kind of prayer. I learned mystery. I learned the prayer that listens.

Sitting before God in a stance of listening gave me a new relationship with God. I accepted my unknowing and accepted uncertainty. I recognized that some darkness is really mist from the clouds I walk through as I reach a new horizon. I learned to be happy with less. I found inner peace because I was not placing demands upon myself and on God. Demands made through my prayers.

And so, I learned not to be so concerned about unanswered prayer and be more concerned with listening. Because as we reach new horizons, we find we need less. And in the spiritual world, less really is more. More peace. More contentment. More mystery. 

Not Afraid to Risk

Getting stuck. I would suspect that each one of us feels "stuck" at some point in life. If we are self-aware. If we are conscious about our journey.

Recently a friend of mine said her life needed a change. She was "stuck" with the changing laws of her state and unable to jump through the "hoops" she had to to remain independently employed.  She did her research and realized that there were no easy solutions. After much thought and deliberation, she decided to do the hard thing, to take a huge risk in order to find a better life. She did, and it was good.

I suspect that most of us come to a point (maybe even several times) in our lives when we feel "stuck," where there is no easy solution. It can be financial, as it was for my friend. It can be emotional. Or it can be spiritual. In any case, the problem is, where we are or what we have done up to now is not working.

It takes practice to take a risk. And in that, I think sometimes our faith works against us. I have seen a spirituality that encourages us to hand over our decision making, especially in spiritual matters, to those in the church. The message is we cannot be trusted, as if any mistake we might make would be catastrophic. Sad. Because to truly be on a journey means to take risks and knows mistakes. And a spiritual life that is not fraught with insecurities, disillusionment, and confusion offers little chance of practicing faith, hope and trust.

I hope to continue to take risks as I journey forward, to not be afraid to be on an unknown path, to be able to live with my fear until it changes into security.

I pray that you too will be willing to take the risks that you need to so that your life may be more full. May this be part of our new year 2016.

This Year, find Gutsy

Tomorrow is the Feast of Epiphany. I've always thought of it as journey, as light shining through the darkness, as revelation. And it is all of those things. But something else is on my mind this morning as I sit here and write.

I was told repeatedly in the monastery, "Face fear, and fear will go away." I've lived by that quote for most of my life. And I can say that to some extent, it was/is good advice.

But I've learned another quote, one I like even more.

Am I gutsy enough to be afraid?

Or am I constantly trying to convince myself that I am not? Maybe being afraid is not the worst thing I can suffer. Maybe the worse is running from my fear, or pretending I am not.

Think about it. When you are not gutsy enough to be afraid, what happens? I've seen people isolate as they run from fear. I've seen others turn inside themselves to the point that they forget others. And I've seen some who race for distractions to the point that make it hard for them to connect to others.

And that, I do not want to be.

That brings me back to the Magi from scripture. Who says traveling into foreign countries with so much uncertainty did not produce some fear? They even got lost and had to stop to ask for directions. And they traveled, not enlightened by the sun, but following a new star that evidently no one else in the whole wide world realized was very important.

Talk about uncertainty. Talk about being gutsy.

So that is what I am hoping for this New Year. The ability to be gutsy. To accept those things that make me uncertain or afraid. And to carry that with me until I too am enlightened and freed.