Living in Fog

Photo by Jerry Gracey, Jr.

Security. It is something we all seek. Yet, at the same time, it can be a trap. Security can deceive us into staying when we should leave, and accepting when we should question. Security can tell us to put down roots when we should be backpacking. Security can keep us banging our heads against a closed door when there is an open door behind us, if we would just turn around.

I know. Because I let security keep me in my place, banging my head against the door that was obviously closed to me, willing it to open. I lacked the courage to turn around and step out. I lacked because I had been trained to believe faithfulness required me to continue banging my head. It took time before I learned to risk all by turning around and stepping out into the unknown.

And yet, it was only when I risked all, when I stepped out into the unknown, that I began to live. In that risky and unknown place, I found door after door, which opened and opened and opened. And when a door remained closed, I learned to turn around again, and seek elsewhere. I learned truth can stand the test of questioning; that some sayings are mere platitudes and need to be discarded; that what I was taught to believe is different from what I learn to believe. I came to realize that God is big, big enough to let me make my own mistakes. That God is not hard on me….I am the one who is hard on myself. God invites me to question, to turn around, to seek and seek and seek until I find.

Somewhere I read that when we forget we are a pilgrim, we forget what faith is all about. I believe that now. I believe that because I have learned the gift that comes with living in the fog, with questioning, with taking risks. Sometimes we need that fog. We need it in order to grow and move forward.