Holy Thursday, a day of remembrances. It is the beginning of the Triduum, the start of the holy days. it is during lent that we think of repentance. But what does it really mean to repent?
I read recently from St John Climacus that "To define repentance as the awareness of individual guilt is to risk emptying it of meaning (Sermons, ed. Constantinople, p. 118). I take that as an admission that we are short sighted when it comes to scripture, to understanding the message of Jesus, and our interpretation to the meaning of Jesus' words.
I have been on this journey a long time. I used to see repentance as "the awareness of individual guilt." I grown to believe differently, that true repentance is more about the acknowledge of truth, about myself, about my actions, and about my intentions. It is the willingness to admit my mistakes, in the hope that I will make better choices moving forward.
Jesus is quoted saying to Pilate, "Everyone who seeks the truth hears my voice." (Jn 18:27). After years of personal journeying towards truth, of questioning rules and customs and ceremonies and discarding the crass and human elements, of seeking and being confused, I believe that 'repentance' happens when I question what I am told, dig deeper for proof of truth, knowing that authenticity can bear examination.
For how else can I know what is false, what is wrong, what I need to change. To be told these things is to remain superficial about it. For it to be honest, I need to be the one working.
True, this takes discipline, so that I learn first how to submit before I challenge, and it requires humility that keeps me from thinking may way is the only way. But it also takes practice to hear the small voice of God in my heart, and great courage to be willing to be different.
I pray that this may be your repentance this Holy Week.
