Learning a new identity

From my journal:

"Today is Wednesday the 6^th of May 2015

I’m driving home. And I am playing the Shenandoah music. And, as I listen to the Shenandoah music, I was thinking of Marti and my visit last week in the Shenandoah Valley, and how much fun we had. And then I thought of the comments she made to me. She asked me if I had gone to a different monastery maybe I would have stayed and I said, “No, I think if I had gone to different monastery, when I said I don’t think I could live this life they would have respected that and let me leave." 

And then later on when we were hiking, she started to say something about “we nuns” and then she said, “Well, you are not a nun, I am.” And when she said that it kinda caught me off guard. And, I had to stop and think, well, that’s part of my problem, I forget I’m not a nun anymore. Because when you’ve been a nun that long, it’s hard not to identify with certain aspects of being a nun, like dedication, and love for God, and consecration. I don’t know what else.

So when we were in D.C. and the Dominican House of Studies was across the road, I was going to go over to see it. And then I reminded myself that I am not a Dominican any more. It’s not my family any more. Yea, I was part of it for a long, long time. It really isn’t my family anymore. I don’t have to keep clinging to these concepts and ideas, and identity. It is very hard to let the identity, the consecrated soul, the monastic, go.

And I also thought about the fact that for me, I feel like I am still consecrated. And I know I am. I am still consecrated. I’m still dedicated. I’m still living for God alone. For those who are still in religious life, I’m gone. I’m no longer one of them. And that’s another aspect of life I’ve got to get used to and I’ve got to accept and I’ve got to realize this truth. I’m not one of them anymore.

If they want to feel that I’m outside of their unique little “club” as you might call it, that’s okay. Because I’m not part of the unique little club. 

I have stepped forth to the broader ways of life. And though I lived that way for a long, long time, 30 years is not a small amount of time, I need to find a way to accept who I am now. My new identity….