Monastic Ponderings

What can I touch...

2012-02-14T21:18:00.000-05:00

When we read scripture, instead of looking to remember a verse, I think it better to discover the person hidden within. Not that I cannot find great verses to memorize, verses that come to mind when I need it most. But verses can only carry me so far. If I learn the person, I learn about God.

Most of all, I learn about Jesus. Jesus certainly did not fit the image people had for him. He did not come off as the typical carpenter's son, nor did he act like the savior of the world. No wonder people were confused. Jesus as a person was totally out of the box.

Lately, I have been thinking of Jesus as a man on a mission, one preaching the kingdom of God to the world. He walked countless miles, endured privations, cold nights, and endless crowds in an effort to get the message across. And what happened? He was endlessly interrupted, called upon, sought after for his healing powers.

And how did Jesus deal with this? He did try to remind others that his mission was to preach the good news. But most of the time, in fact, every time recorded, he stopped his mission to offer compassion to another. Whether it was a leper, a women outcast in her society, a child dying, Jesus stopped whatever he was doing.

Not only did he stop, he reached out. He touched those in distress. He let his humanity bring his compassion to another by touch, by power going out from the hem of his garment, from water turned into wine.

This is the Jesus I want to remember, to contemplate, to imitate. If I can likewise bring compassion to another through a touch, a thought, a hug, then I have come to understand the Jesus of the Gospels better.

Sacrifice transforms love...

2012-02-13T09:27:00.002-05:00

It was the only movie at the theater that did not include blood and gore, animation or violence. The tag line said it was based on a true story. So, I went. I saw. And I was inspired.

I hear it was the number one box office hit over the weekend. I can see why. It isn't just a love story. It is a story of sacrifice, of trial, of choices. It is love under fire. And the end result is made beautiful because of that struggle.

But this story, powerful because it is true, happens to each one of us. Life is a series of choices, of challenges, and of sacrifices. We know this. What we forget is, those struggles and challenges can also transform.

That is where the movie, The Vow, has a lot to teach us. It is a vivid reminder to you and me that trial need not be a kill joy. If we work with it, (which does not necessarily mean overcoming it), trial can yield surprising results. We just never know.

On a weekend full of news of Whitney Houston, with her signature song "I will always love you" playing over and over again, I found "The Vow" a solid example of what that looks like in real life.

I share this in the hope that you too will find your inspiration, one that keeps you going forward in the midst of whatever challenges you meet.

Monastic recipes

2012-02-12T06:09:00.002-05:00

I've posted a number of recipes from a number of monasteries. If you are interested, go to

.http://www.examiner.com/spiritual-perspectives-in-baltimore/a-monastic-recipe-chocolate-chip-date-cake

It will give you the recipe I posted today, as well as a list of other recipes available.

Happy baking or cooking or whatever!

Increasing our longing.

2012-02-11T09:06:00.002-05:00

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee speaks to our masculine vs our feminine side. He notes that in our quests in life, we tend to focus on our masculine side, seeking goal-oriented ends. And, he says, masculine values even dominate our spiritual quest: we seek to be better, to improve our self, to get somewhere. We have forgotten the feminine qualities of waiting, listening, being empty (24). I find these words ring true for me.

Perhaps some of these problems stem from our concept of waiting. For us modern folks, waiting is more of a punishment, an inconvenience, a test. Waiting implies some sort of failure to arrive. Possession is seen as accomplishment. And not "to have" implies emptiness.

Yet, much happens in waiting. We do more self-reflection while waiting than in possession. We are more attentive, more alert, more filled with desire. Waiting also increases our yearning. Vaughan-Lee says longing awakens us to our own need,a need which we can never satisfy...

To long, to wait. That is what the feminine qualities teach us. That is how we increase longing. And longing is not a bad thing...

Longing that transforms

2012-02-09T05:41:00.000-05:00

This blog often speaks of longing and of seeking in our journey. For me, it is the difference between a spirituality of contentment (I say all my prayers and do all my duties, so therefore all is well) and a spirituality of never enough (when I go beyond obligation). But the "never enough" isn't helpful unless we realize where this discontentment comes from: our longing for the Ultimate.

Vaughan-Lee speaks to this in his book Love is a Fire: Just as Love is the Essence of the path, so is longing its agent of transformation. Vaughan-Lee reminds us that though we are born for God, we forget. We lose sight of our Ultimate; we get distracted. And then life gets messy. We get promptings of our loss: dissatisfaction with our job, our career, our present stature in life. Having all, but feeling empty. Wanting more, but not sure what "more" is. And, he says, sometimes people brush it aside; the last thing they want is to be distracted from their outer goals, their achievements, and to be taken into the vulnerability and need that are within them.

I suspect that that last part of his statement, to be taken into the vulnerability and need that are within really speaks to the problem. No one wants to be vulnerable, because to be vulnerable means, in some way, to be weak.

And yet, as in so many other areas, faith changes that. For in faith, to accept my vulnerability is to accept the truth about myself. And to do that, I must have a very strong belief in the power of the Divine One. It is only with the strength of that belief that I can journey into the interior and look honestly at the need within myself. It is only with a strong faith can I accept my mortality. Accepting these things opens the door to transformation.

Paul puts it another way: God chose what is weak in this world to shame the strong (1 Cor. 1:27). Because I discover my real strength when I believe in Someone stronger and more powerful than myself. And then, I can let go of the distractions, and journey inward. I can sit on the broken seat of my humanity and contemplate the Divine. I can enter into my vulnerability and know, I can be transformed.

There would be diminution...

2012-02-08T06:38:00.001-05:00

Probably the question most common to all ages is the question of evil. I have my own theories, about the power of free will and its affects on others; God's ability to bring good from it all. So, I was intrigued when I read Anscar Vonier's words: It is a certain truth that if God in his providence exterminated every evil deed at once, killed every evil-doer, the final sum of goodness would be less. We have our Lord's own words for it; there would be diminution.

Vonier explain: when we who believe encounter evil, we draw more on faith, courage, and fortitude. He reminds us that we are a community; we are bound up with one another, we affect one another, not just for evil, but also forgood. But there is the fact--an absolute certainty, goodness inevitably produces goodness; it is unconquerable, it cannot be stifled, it has greater ramifications than evil can ever have...

Perhaps we concentrate too much on the question of evil, and not enough on the power of goodness. Light means more when you have known darkness. Hope holds power when you've experienced the heaviness of despair. The list can go on...

Perhaps we should renew our faith in our own goodness. For when we have confidence in God's power to overcome evil in our own lives, we show others that no darkness can overtake the light.

Entering into mystery

2012-02-07T09:09:00.001-05:00

Lately I have been reading a lot about mystery and how we mortal beings really like to know. We don't like being kept in the "dark" as it were.

John Shea has an interesting view on such things. In his book Story of God he quotes Kazantzakis's description of mystery, which calls it the luminous interval between two darknesses. He then notes that when the reliability of all we have constructed is brought into question, we enter the dimension of Mystery (25).

In our desire to know, to be in the light, we forget that unknowing can contain something positive and fulfilling. This is the difference between faith, and having a vague spirituality with no particular beliefs.

But some say, are you just trying to put a good spin on pain and injustice? Are you making light of sickness or poverty or emotional distress? I don't think so. Science bears out the fact that having the ability to find something good in a bad situation actually speeds healing. But what Shea is speaking about is more. It is about discovery, and sometimes we don't really search until our world falls apart. Then we find that what has up till now proven good enough is no longer sufficient, and we seek something better.

Shea speaks at some length about the need for our ready answers and expectations to fail. He says Disenchantment is a traditional and well-established path to the awareness of Mystery...the beginning of mature religious consciousness (28-29). Shea's statement is obvious: I suspect every one of us can look back over the times in our lives when we entered into a new spiritual consciousness, and can track it to some form of disenchantment we experienced.

Mystery. It is not something to be feared, but something that invites us to enter more deeply. And only after we enter, do we discover.

Experiencing the presence of God in silence

2012-02-06T08:26:00.001-05:00

It happened in church. The baptism was finished, the families had stopped taking their pictures, one by the baptismal font, one in front of the altar, one with extended family, one with just the family, one with the godparents, one with the grandparents... I stayed in the sacristy keeping busy, waiting for them to finish up. The church was noisy as everyone talked quite loudly, catching up, I suppose on events and news. Fifteen minutes passed, and then thirty. I lowered the lights, hoping they would get the hint to move on out of the church with their conversations. They finally did.

I locked up the church and came back inside. And there it was, the silence, the presence, the atmosphere I so loved in the monastery. And I wondered: why do we prefer to talk in church, to visit, to catch up? Why do we not want to experience the presence of God in the silence? It is so powerful....or is it?

Perhaps I first have to find the Presence in silence before I can appreciate the places of silence. Perhaps I have to experience the uselessness of words, the pit of unanswered prayers, the inability to find words, before I realize, I don't really need them to experience the Presence of the Divine One. I have to sit with that stillness forced upon me before I begin to realize, it carries Gift, it holds a Presence.

When I walked down the aisle of the church, everyone gone and the place quiet and still, the sun streaming through the stain-glass windows, I knelt down on one knee and bowed my head. I knew God was in this place.

The power of being

2012-02-05T06:03:00.000-05:00

Christ, by Mary Grace Thus, OP

I like words. But words hold no real power by themselves. Perhaps that is why Jesus never left us anything in writing. He knew that somehow, we would get stuck on the words, and miss the message.

Antonin Gilbert Sertillanges writes How did the Savior proceed in his preaching? He offers no text, no system, and nothing organized or presented according to any order whatsoever. He presents himself, and it is he who is the doctrine and the truth. He permits himself to be seen, and that is already teaching; he acts, and that is teaching; he speaks, and the teaching becomes more precise, but without being fitted into the adapted framework of a system. His message exposes itself to the apparent chance of circumstances, and it is the ordinary environment of Jewish life that will be that of his apostolate...

All of this speaks to the power of being. I find myself so persuaded by good words that I sometimes forget the real power comes only when I am convinced of their truth. Because words can do nothing for me by themselves. To go beyond, I must find the spirit and become transformed, enlightened, and inspired.

If I stay with words, I will get caught up in discrepancies, in accurate histories, in contradictions. If I look at the model, I will be able to bypass all of those cracks and see a person, one giving me an example. I am the Way, the Truth and the Life Jesus is quoted as saying in John 14:6. And Jesus' way is free-flowing, appropriate, and sustainable. He refused to be caught up with the politics of his times. Because he came that we might have life, and have it more abundantly (Jn. 10:10).

Facing the sun...

2012-02-04T08:08:00.002-05:00

I watched a video of a political prisoner in Romania during the communist era, arrested because he had faith and refused to give it up. The prisoner describes his inhumane treatment, and then says he always remembered the line he had heard in a sermon: When you approach God, you have a shadow on your back. When you walk away from God, the shadow is on your face.

Listening to his story, I am reminded of the power of faith. Here was a man tortured in ways unimaginable, and yet through it all, he discovered and developed a deeper faith in God. The story is moving and inspiring, making the words powerful.

Let us face God, so that the shadows we have will always be on our back. For pain does not have the power to break us. You and I with God have the power to discover a deeper faith despite the pain.

I have plans for your future...

2012-02-03T09:00:00.002-05:00

Continuing the thought from yesterday, that God finds me beautiful. I think we (or I) too often forget just how much I mean to God. I get so involved in trying to find God, please God, live for God, that I lose sight of how wonderfully made I am!

And yet, remember that I am precious to God, that God finds pleasure in me, that I am fearfully, wonderfully made, this remembrance brings such deep peace and joy. How can I forget that to God, I am unique? How can I fail to remember words of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

We so often worry about how to approach God. And yet, according to scripture, God is already in our heart. As we read in Luke 17:21, Do you not know, the kingdom of God is within you?

And I would add, God wants us to believe, "you are so beautiful...to me."

You are so beautiful...

2012-02-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

During a conversation yesterday with a good friend, we talked about trust in God, and how it seems that God does take care of us....but takes his time doing it. "If only God wouldn't drag his feet so," I complained to my friend. "If only God would take care of things sooner, without me having to wait and wait and wait!"

I think we all have experienced a trust that waited on God. And waited. And waited. Times when our hearts said, "God I only want to do your will....if only you would let me know what that is!"

Today, I had an opportunity to make a small gift. It was a sacrifice, because it cost me. But as I started to brood over the offering, I stopped myself and made the gift an offering to God.

I barely did this when I got into my car to go home and prepare for this evening's class. I started up the car, and on the radio, the song by Joe Cocker began, "You are so beautiful....to me." As the song hit my ears, I experienced an overwhelming sense of the presence of God...and that it was not by chance that I got into the car at the exact moment this song started on the radio.

I began to drive away, and as I listened to the words, I thought of them as God singing them to me. The more I listened, the more a realization of what I mean to God overwhelmed me.

I encourage you to download the song for yourself. I encourage you to listen to the words, and hear them as God singing them to you. I think you will then understand how I felt....

A transformed person

2012-02-01T08:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I re-read things I've written in the past and think, wow, I wrote that? Other times I say, wow, I thought like that?

I realize now that such reactions are part and parcel of "journey". If we are moving forward, we are changing. And this change, when it is determined and sought after, has long been termed "conversion."

Conversion makes me a different person. Not all at once. But one step at a time. And over time, I become a very different individual, one I can hardly recognize down the road. A person whose world has become different.

That change depends totally on how I am searching, seeking and discovering. If I go with the flow, my change will be out of my control. But if I am deciding what to read, what to listen to, who to follow; if I am pursuing God in an active and contemplative way, then my change will be deliberate. I will be deciding the direction I want to go and making choices that move me forward.

Because true conversion is, after all, transformation. And a transformed person is a wonderfully authentic, generous, revealed individual. A transformed person is one who remembers life is a journey, and I am not there yet. I have more to learn.

A new day...

2012-01-31T07:58:00.001-05:00

Monastic life offers many insights. Like the value of sacrifice, the benefits of silence, and the comfort of community. It also taught me that each day is a new day, a chance to make another new beginning.

For many of us, new beginnings come with New Year's Day. A new calendar and a new number somehow sparks thoughts of turning over a new leaf. Resolutions are decided and commitments are made. But why do we limit ourselves to one day a year?

In the monastery, every day offered a new beginning. It came with the concept of metanoia, conversion, turning myself from what I am to what I desire to be. We focused on metanoia, which means literally turning around, moving from facing one direction into facing a different one. Metanoia is a concept that comes from the desert Ammas and Abbas. It taught me that every day I can begin again.

I continue the practice of Metanoia, because it teaches me that life need not be dull. I do not have to accomplish my desires and my dreams all in one day. I can work at it a little each day, in a natural and gentle way. For metanoia is organic, and speaks to the fact that life is a journey. And on a journey, each day offers new beginnings.

The benefits of forgiveness

2012-01-30T08:36:00.001-05:00

Forgiveness allows tranquility to envelope the soul

I found it quite interesting that the article on forgiveness was not in a religious magazine. No, it was in Counseling Today, the ACA magazine for licensed, professional, clinical counselors. I'd like to quote a couple lines here.

What stands between many clients and a happy life is the often-elusive process of forgiveness.

Blockages people struggle with in their lives were linked to some sort of issue for which they needed to forgive someone.

Forgiveness isn't about the other person or about making someone else apologize or change--it is about setting yourself free.

Not forgiving creates an emotional prison, ties you to a person or an event that usually you would rather forget but are unable to.

I could go on. But I think the above quotes demonstrates quite well that forgiveness is about me, not about the other person. For when I failed to forgive, I become the prisoner, chained to the person or event I will not let go. Refusing to forgive keeps me very small, and small means many things: bitter, resentful, jealous, angry, hateful, stuck.

When Jesus said, forgive others as you want God to forgive you, he was in effect trying to remind me to keep balanced. Just as I do things that need forgiving, so too do others. Do not expect them to be something I cannot be.

Finding an article on forgiveness in a counseling magazine shows just how far reaching resentments can go. I do so much harm to myself when I refuse to forgive.

So the next time someone hurts or offends me, maybe my question should be, "Do I want to punish and damage myself over this?" If the answer is no, then it is time to let go.

Finding the balance between a monastic heart and life as it is

2012-01-29T05:50:00.000-05:00

Inspiration often comes from outside of ourselves. Recently, reading another blog (Called Monks and Mermaids) I came across an interesting article that examines the Orthodox Church and the lessons it can teach us. In part, the article said:

Orthodoxy is a monastic Church, a Church with a monastic heart where the monasteries provide the spiritual fathers and mothers...A Church without a flourishing monasticism, without the lived 'martyrdom' of an asceticism inspired by the Paschal Mystery of the Lord's Cross and Resurrection, could hardly be a Church according to the mind of the Christ of the Gospels, for monasticism, of all Christian life ways, is the one which most clearly and publicly leaves all things behind for the sake of the Kingdom...

As I read this, I thought of my own past monastic experience, one where the intense training I received brought me into a very different way of life, one so different that re-integrating into life outside the monastery has never ceased to be challenging. I thought of my constant struggle to identify with my fellow travelers along the way, my inability to communicate on deeper levels even with those of my own family, and how I have to constantly work to understand why certain things seem so important to those around me (such as name brands and name dropping and styles and all that stuff).

Monastic life does change a person. The question I have is, how does one change back? How far should one cling to the monastic persona, the monastic mindset, or the monastic heart?

For if I am really living out the challenge of Christ, I should be able to identify with all the people of God, and able to understand concerns and issues not my own. At least, that is my hope.

The Dreamer and the dream

2012-01-25T06:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we go through many doorways before we reach our dreams!

Scripture depicts Joseph of the Old Testament as quite the dreamer. Joseph's dreams did not just humor him; they predicted his future. And Joseph went through trial and deportation, servitude and imprisonment before he saw the fulfillment of those dreams.

Joseph of the New Testament dreamed as well. His dreams often answered the nagging questions he held secretly in his heart. He listened to those dreams, and followed them.

Hans Selye is quoted as saying realistic people with practical aims are rarely as realistic and practical in the long run of things as the dreamers who pursue their dreams.

You and I have dreams. But what are we doing about them? Are we setting them aside so that we can be "practical"? Or are we daring to reach out and do what we can to try and fulfill those dreams?

If the Gospels teach us anything, it is to believe. And part of believing is dreaming...of what could be, of what we are meant to be, of where life can take us. Dreams are doorways to destinies.

Today, let us think of our dreams. Then, let us set off to pursue them.

My image of God

2012-01-24T06:32:00.000-05:00

The Trinity, by Mary Grace Thul, OP

I have often maintained that God is to us what we want God to be (see Road to Emmaus). So it was with interest that I read the following from Caryll Houselander:

There is a widespread idea today that it does not matter what our conception of God is like...but as our conception of God is, so we ourselves become. If we think God is hard, we grow hard; if we think God is a kill-joy, we become kill-joys; if we think of God as omnipotent secret police, all-present, all-seeing, all-terrible, we shrink from God, and the heart that shrinks from God shrinks to nothing. (From Lift Up Your Hearts)

Houselander's words do hold an important truth. Those whose God is severe do become severe and judgmental. Those whose God is kind and merciful are generous with mercy. And those whose God is vague and far away, well, they tend to flounder with no particular direction and no particular purpose.

In this light it is good to reflect on my image of God. Because it is the character I am taking on for myself.

Jonah, punishment, and me

2012-01-23T09:12:00.000-05:00

I am like Jonah. As the story is told in Chapter 3 of scripture, Jonah went out to the city of Nineveh to announce that it was doomed. Only something unexpected happened. They repented, and then God repented of promising destruction. And Jonah? Well, he got mad that God did not destroy them. After all, Jonah went through quite a bit before making it to Nineveh. Jonah wanted God to fulfill the punishment Jonah had promised. Jonah wanted justice.

I cringe when I realize, I am like Jonah. When someone cuts me off on the highway, I say a prayer they will get caught by the cops. When someone insults me, I secretly hope for some mishap to come about, and convince myself that they deserve this. When bad things happen, I find a way to justify myself. Yes, I am like Jonah.

Being a Christian should make me different. I should be full of compassion and empathy. I should not look at people and hope they will get their due. So where have I gone wrong?

I put these tendencies to human nature and our natural response to danger.

And I admit, I am still on my journey. I have not yet arrived.

Living the questions...

2012-01-22T06:05:00.001-05:00

In reading Clyde Crews book, Ultimate Questions, I like his statement No one escapes questioning; and in good measure we are defined in life and even in death by the nature of our own personal response (p. 3). I would go one step further and maintain that we cannot truly answer the question once and for all, that my personal response will change even as my life changes. That truly, no answer will satisfy me forever.

You know from your own experience even as I know from mine: answers never truly satisfy. What seemed right in one situation will not be so in another. Because answers are an attempt to make sense of it all, and sometime, life just doesn't make sense.

But perhaps it is even more than that. Perhaps our dissatisfaction with former answers come because we have grown beyond that point. We know that the answer only half answered, and we need to find more. I think this is good, for it means we are seeking, and that is always a good thing

It also comes because, as we journey forward, we begin to look more to understand the questions than to need answers. In fact, the best answers come when we are seeking to unravel the question, to understand it fully, to see it from every side. Then our multifaceted question will challenge us immensely.

There is no getting around it. We all question. The important point is, do we live our questions? Do we sit with them and let them unfold before us?

Or do we grab for answers and run?

Learning to trust and surrender

2012-01-21T13:16:00.000-05:00

Much of religious literature treats progress in the spiritual life as somesort of ladder, with each rung bringing us to a higher stage. It’s as though closenessto God can be earned like a college degree.

I recognize that yes, the spiritual life does unfold naturally, as we growfrom the simple faith of a child to a more mature faith, like the adolescent,to a deep and mystical faith, like that of a mature adult. But I think reallife is more obscure, meandering, and unpredictable.

In truth, I think of my spiritual journey not as climbing rungs of a ladder,but as deepening my soul and spirit. And I’ve learned that even when I am awareof Presence, I still have doubts, fears, and questions. I have learned toaccept the very real fact that life has its ups and downs, and my vision neednot be clear to believe or to love.

I think we tend to think of the spiritual life in this way because we want lightto cast out all doubt, and moral courage to overcome all fears. I think suchconcepts come only from those who have not stayed on-board the sinking vessel oflife, and searched for their own surviving hope and trust.

I say this because I see a danger in stages, in ascending, as though we canreach a plateau where we know better than others. I think this is a verydangerous kind of thinking. In some sense, we are all beginners, because wemust be converted and turned to the Lord every waking moment of our lives. Andin some sense we all have a part of heaven tucked into our heart and soul.

So, instead of seeking to climb to perfection, seek instead a greateropenness to the spirit, an acceptance of who I am. And remember always thepsalm, The Lord hears the cry of thepoor. (Ps. 34)

Putting fire under your desire

2012-01-20T09:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I grapple with the sayings and writings of great Christians. Take, for example, what Jean Leclerq says about Gregory the Great, whom he calls the Doctor of Desire: The importance given to desire confers on St. Gregory's doctrine an extremely dynamic quality. It is concerned with constant progress, for desire, as it becomes the more intense, is rewarded by a certain possession of God which increases it still more. The result of this desire is peace rediscovered in God, since desire is itself a possession in which fear and love are reconciled.

I find Leclerq's words a bit bland. I would like to put fire under it and proclaim, its all about desire! God cannot be possessed without it, nor fear vanquished, or struggle overcome. His phrase that we obtain a "certain possession of God", bothers me, because it makes God seem almost beyond our reach. And I'm not so sure fear and love can be reconciled. I'm more of the mind that love casts out fear; that fear can be overcome, that we can move beyond fear into a loving trust through a habitual response of trust. What we often lack is patience with ourselves, patience with the process, patience with the imperfections. It's as though we expect never to fail, and then berate ourselves because, what? we're human? God forbid!

God isn't unapproachable. God doesn't reign somewhere high above us, so that we must struggle to find even a "certain possession". Time and time again scripture and mystics tell us: God is in the depths of our hearts. The Divine Being waits patiently for us to find Divinity there. And desire can bring us to that sacred place.

The real power of meditation

2012-01-19T10:09:00.001-05:00

I love this quote from Georges Bataille: Mere words have something of quicksand about them. Only experience is the rope that is thrown to us.

How many times do I find that a set of words that inspire me are forgotten down the road. Words gain power with experience, and "experience" starts with meditation.

Meditation has become popular in our time. Yet, for me, the real power of meditation comes through an atmosphere of silence.

A visit to a monastery recently brought this truth home to me. As I sat in my room reading, I physically relished the silence that enveloped me. The silence permeated the atmosphere, pregnant with self-discover, Presence, and mystery. As I sat there, I thought, "Why do I not have this in my life?"

The truth is, though I love silence, I have allowed the noise of music or TV to invade my life, with cell phone conversations and social networking distracting me. I have let myself be duped.

Silence is to meditation what yeast is to flour. It breaks through languid thought and brings mere words to profound understanding. It does this because it puts the breaks on the incessant flow of thoughts that come careening through our brains. It allows us to be still and quiet before the Divine Being.

In the day and age of multitasking, meditation will not work until we capture the atmosphere of silence, and find a way to integrate it into our lives.

And so, I start again. I bring silence back with me, and make it a solid part of my life.

Carved in stone

2012-01-18T09:51:00.003-05:00

We go through many doors...

Sometimes we hold someone's image in our mind as one unchangeable. No matter the passage of time, we think of that person from that one time, perhaps even from one act or circumstance. In effect, we have carved that person in stone.

But no one stays the same. No one is set forever.

Perhaps that is why Deuteronomy 5:8 instructs You shall not make for yourself any graven image. We are prone to set things in stone, and then worship our ideal as true. When we do that, we are so wrong.

I look on my own past, and sometimes wish I had learned earlier and understood sooner. I wish I could have let go more. And matured younger. And stepped out sooner rather than later. I wish I had been more open, more able to question, and realized the difference between an image and a true self.

I wish I had not feared so much, and done so little. In a word, I wish that a lot of my past had been different. And I realize, it is all part of journey.

Michael Himes says if we say we know someone like a book, then we really don't know that person at all. Because we are not books. We are human beings.

If I need time to grow, if I make mistakes I later regret, or act in a way that I later abandon, then I need to allow another the same freedom. It doesn't matter if I cannot see a change, cannot discern the person's regret or difference.

All that matters is that I set that person free. That I let her find herself on her journey. Even as I need to find myself in journey.

Lead into contemplation

2012-01-17T06:40:00.001-05:00

Sitting in stillness before presence

Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. (ps. 139:12). The concept continues to haunt me. When I speak of darkness, I am speaking of struggle, of unknowing, of confusion. So to have the psalm say that to God, darkness is not dark cannot mean he makes light of our human condition. I think it means that what we see as darkness can actually be a source for great light.

I think back to the benefits darkness has given me in the past. It made me stop and reflect, it destroyed preconceived ideals and notions, and I sank deeper into meditation. I stopped asking questions, because real darkness blots out even the formulation of questions. Darkness made me silence, so that I opened not my mouth. I became still before God. And because my expectations were dashed, I just sat there in silence and waited. Without knowing it, darkness forced me into contemplative prayer.

Only later in looking back do I see the rich fruits that came from such darkness. I was concerned about what I was giving to God. I'd forgotten God had something to give to me. I could only receive it after I relinquished my agenda and sat still before the Divine Presence. My darkness taught me a different kind of prayer, one of listening.

Perhaps that is the real meaning behind the phrase of psalm 139. The very trials that punish the soul often reveal the hidden beauty we've not tapped into. And we seem to need the darkness so that we push ourselves beyond what is comfortable, what is admirable, what is acceptable. Nothing can seem more devastating than to sit before God, dumb and knowing not what to say. And even as the soul groans, "Lord, what is it you want from me?" the soul is taking flight into a new type of faith, a new form of hope, into a light not known among mere mortals. Perhaps this kind of darkness releases the soul into the divine light of grace that brings the soul into a new sphere of understanding. Maybe this kind of darkness is no more than a cocoon where transformation takes place.

Darkness is not dark

2012-01-16T06:22:00.000-05:00

Seeing and not seeing. It's often a topic here on Monastic Ponderings. We become conscious because we want to see. We practice compassion so that our hearts will respond better and know more. We meditate so that we are aware. It all implies a willingness to journey. But there is another aspect to our journey: a willingness to accept what that journey brings us.

It happens that sometimes I fail to see, not because I am spiritually blind, but because I don't like what I find. The product is not what I expected, I had hoped for more, or less, or better. I find myself in disbelief that after all I've done, this is the result? And so my journey has brought me to a point I do not want to be, with a decision I do not want to make, and a revelation I do not like. The resistance can be ever so slight, but resistance it is.

It just goes to show that no one ever "arrives" at a place where struggle ceases, despite rhetoric to the contrary. The journey will always have its challenges, and we will always have choices. Paul complained about his own battles, and the reply he received was "My grace is sufficient for you."(2 Cor. 12:9)

Perhaps this is the meaning of psalm 139:12 Darkness is not dark for you, and night will be light as the day. What I worry about is really of little importance, because I am prone to get it wrong. Knowing this should help. For revelation can be having our expectations thwarted so that what we think is replaced by what is. It's worth the thought. And isn't that what the journey is about anyway?

Remembering gifts

2012-01-14T07:51:00.000-05:00

Friends. We all have them. But sometimes we do not realize just how many we have or how far they are wiling to go for us until we get into some kind of fix, and they come to our rescue.

This past week, I got myself into such a fix. Sure enough, friends from afar went above and beyond to take care of the situation for me. And I sat there and thought, I am so blessed.

The situation made me think about my forgotten gifts. Such as friends. Especially friends that I do not see on a regular basis, but who are there for me none-the-less.

I think God is a forgotten gift. Like my friends, God is there for me regardless of my awareness. But often, it takes a need, a pain, or a struggle before I stop to think of the Divine Being. And unlike some of my friends, God is not far away.

It is good to remember: God is closer to me than I am to myself. It is up to me to remember...

The most beautiful people

2012-01-13T05:17:00.000-05:00

The questions is as old as the ages, and has been asked in every language and in every religion. If God is loving and kind, then why do we have suffering in this world?

We are given many kinds of answers to this question: theologians will speak about free will and original sin. Others will blame the power of evil and darkness. But when you are the one struggling, these answers do not really speak to the heart and soul.

Elizabeth Kubler Ros offers a more profound answer. She is quoted as saying The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

To explain away pain is to cheapen human suffering. To acknowledge it, to struggle and rise from the depths, that is the goal of every human sufferer. And we see this in individuals who have endured much, but not let that pain embitter them. They are powerful souls because they know suffering, and do not try to explain it away. They instead offer compassion, sensitive to the vulnerabilities of life, and the need for encouragement.

Beautiful people do not just happen. They are born of suffering, struggle, loss and defeat.

Thirsting for more...

2012-01-12T06:39:00.000-05:00

Artwork by Mary Grace Thul, OP

For any sojourner on the way, The words of Sirach 24:18-21 can bring much hope: Come to me, all you that yearn for me, and be filled with my fruits; you will remember me as sweeter than honey, better to have than the honeycomb. She who eats of me will hunger still, she who drinks of me will thirst for more; She who obeys me will not be put to shame, she who serves me will never fail.

The words bring to mind that neediness is not something to be disposed of, but accepted. The concepts are counter to what most of us wish--that our desires never find fulfillment, but instead, are increased: she who drinks of me will thirst for more.

The words bring to mind our usual reaction: when we enjoy things in life, we do not hang it up. We want more. (I think of popcorn, and how I can never have enough of it!)

I think Sirach is telling us in not so subtle ways that loving God should be a tangible and satisfying affair. That it should not make the heart satisfied, but begging for more.

I think the last line in this quote tells us something unique. It doesn't say, she who serves me will succeed, but she who serves me will never fail. I think there is a huge difference. Success can be personally satisfying, self-fulfilling achievement. It is also, in a sense, the end of the journey. And while a sojourner on this earth, our journey will not end. And so, by saying we shall never fail, the writer is in effect acknowledging the need to continue moving forward. In a way, the writer is addressing the realism of life, our ups and downs, our doubts as well as our faith. In all that happens, nothing need spell failure unless we let it.

It is good to remember these things as we travel forward. It is good to remember that thirst, desire, yearning works toward our favor, if we live in the spirit.

Standing in the fog...

2012-01-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

You are standing in the thick of it, like a lost soul standing on a foot bridge with neither end visible. The fog does not lift, nor does it give a hint as to a possible destination. And you stand there, wondering if you should proceed forward, stay where you are, or return from whence you came. It is a moment of suspension, a moment of questioning.

I think we all have gone through such moments in life, when life does not proceed as we think it should, and we are left wondering, should we go forward or wait, act or surrender, trust in providence or proceed with hope? And the fog continues to hang around us, misty and wet, hiding our vision, dampening not just our hair but our spirit.

Perhaps Isaiah experienced this when he wrote Look down from heaven and regard us from your holy and glorious place! Where is your zealous care and your might, your surge of pity and your mercy? O Lord, hold not back, for you are father and mother, lord our redeemer.

No matter how deep your spiritual life, fog always brings some sense of confusion. It isn't that we do not trust. It is more that in our desire to serve, we find our role unclear. In our willingness to take the blame, we sometimes imagine the fog is our fault.

But psalm 40:8 tells us to know that in our waiting, we are heard. The psalmist prayers: I have waited, waited for the Lord, and he stooped toward me and heard my cry.

Surrounded by fog, we must not forget the gift of God. I recently experienced this gift, a moment when the Lord very much stooped toward me and heard my cry. It came in the form of a friend, whose conversation very much lifted my mind, soul and spirit. And though the fog did not lift, my spirit did.

Perhaps that is the lesson I am meant to learn. To appreciate the gift I might otherwise forget while I'm surging forward. Perhaps the fog is so I will take a moment to wait for the Lord. Or perhaps, I just need a friend to remind me of all of these things, so that despite the fog, I will not lose heart.

Going forward on the journey

2012-01-10T09:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I look back over my life, I wonder why I could not have taken the more "traditional" path: know what I want, pursue it, and then find contentment with what I get. This has hardly been my journey.

Instead, my pursuit has often left me wanting. I would stare at my achievement, and wonder why I did not find the satisfaction I expected. Reflection and time set me again on another pursuit, with much the same result. As I set out yet again, I cannot help but wonder, am I unique? Or are there others who also find that the first pursuit did not reveal the true desire of the heart?

Catherine of Siena tells us that, when we look back and see that life has been less than straightforward, there is a tendency to become discouraged. She writes we become frustrated with ourselves and abandon our spiritual practices, thinking God must not be pleased or satisfied with what we have been doing. That is the temptation, to yield to discouragement and stay with what one has.

But I believe that life is not meant to be straightforward, that we learn lessons only with reflection on the past. Then we decide how to make today's journey just a little bit better. Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee believes it is a matter of surrendering. He writes Love's union is stamped within the heart, and our own self is the only veil that separates us from this mystical secret. Once love has brought us Home, we realize the illusory nature of our ego; we come to know how we have always belonged to love--the ego, battered into surrender, melted down by longing, steps aside and allows us to glimpse this truth (p. 123).

Vision comes slowly. I must continue my search, knowing that each surrender helps me tear away a little of the veil that separates me from the mystical secret in my heart. I must never give in to discouragement, but accept this for what it is, a life-long endeavor.

To stay true to my journey, I find it helpful to remember the words of psalm 18:1: I love you Lord, my strength.

Stay the pursuit. Only then will you come to the mystical secret of the heart.

Keeping the vision

2012-01-09T09:07:00.001-05:00

A wonderful sermon yesterday challenged me to check my vision. The topic was the Magi and the star, Herold and the Infant. The message reminded me that the Magi and the King, according to the story in scripture, had the same knowledge. But each party responded in a very different way. The Magi wanted to find the Infant in order to give him gifts. The King wanted to find the Infant in order to take away his life.

The sermon got me thinking that we, too, look at life in a similar way: either with an attitude to give, or an attitude to take.

I think a lot has to do with the amount of fear we carry within ourselves. If we live with inner uncertainty, we live with fear of exposure, and will fight anything we think will cause us loss. All shadows will threaten. If we accept our broken condition and live with faith and trust, we will look through the shadows seeking to find the star of hope.

It is possible. Think of Viktor Frankl. Who could have endured the losses he endured? And yet he found meaning in his terrible ordeal. He writes, often it is just such an exceptionally difficult external situation which gives us the opportunity to grow spiritually beyond ourselves (p. 72). It is a matter of vision, looking beyond the situation at our feet.

There is a saying that life is what we make of it. I confess, I find that saying a little trite, dismissive of the pain of real human suffering. I would rather say, despite the sufferings we endure in life, we can look beyond and find the star of hope.

It depends on our vision.

Epiphany

2012-01-08T06:18:00.000-05:00

The term has come to mean the dawning of a new light...when we see in a way that changes our lives.

Heather King writes that Christianity has at its center joy, but joy is born of brokenness, limitation, tension, paradox. The shepherds, who have never left their pasture; the wise men, who have traveled from afar.

To behold light means to see that paradox and not be scandalized. It means to know we are both seekers and the one found. It means being both afraid and unafraid.

The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear? we sing in psalm 27:1. We realize our courage only after we have tasted brokenness and bitterness. Light means more when we have known darkness. It is all part of our journey.

Accept the paradox called life. Then you may truly have a Happy Epiphany!

Feeling empty

2012-01-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

I do not often admit to it, but today when trying to write a thought, I feel empty. No thoughts, no inspiration, no juice.

I suspect I am not the only person who has these days. There are some times when empty comes. And despite attempts to jump start thoughts, there are none.

I think that empty is good. Empty is a time to listen, instead of sharing. It is a time to check on being open, a time to stop. A time to reflect.

But how you can reflect when you are empty?

Simple. I am still. I stop trying to steer my journey and instead concentrate on surrender. Empty is good, because it reminds me that my journey is my journey. I often share the thoughts that I find helpful. Being empty helps me remember, not all thoughts are helpful to all. I have to accept that.

Surrender I think is the opposite to building. Sometimes when I fail to surrender to emptiness, I begin to build. But sometimes that building is not good building. I don't have to always build.

Surrender is a reminder of my frailty, my limits, my neediness. I am not god. I am a creature seeking Divinity.

Surrender is acting out this belief. It is letting God be God. It letting me be still.

Walking on the water: a New Year begins

2012-01-01T04:55:00.000-05:00

A new beginning

A New Year begins, and for each one of us, a new challenge. Or not.

I repeat. For each one of us, a new challenge. Or not.

Remember when the gospel story of the disciples out on the sea of Galilee during a raging storm, and suddenly they see Jesus coming to them walking across the water? We tend to think of that as a nice little miracle, Jesus walking on water.

But in reality, it is not Jesus performing a miracle. It is Jesus showing us not to avoid the storm. If there was anywhere Jesus probably did NOT want to be, it was walking across the sea of Galilee during a raging storm, only to find that the disciples thought he was a ghost, and were more terrified of him then of the storm. But he went on.

That is the question I ask myself this 2012. What risks am I willing to take to reach my dream, to reach out to someone in need, to challenge my own self? Or do I stand back on shore, wanting safety?

How many wonderful things await us, but for fear of struggle, we stay back. We judge by what we think makes us happy instead of discerning the call that beckons us forth.

I am put in mind of something I read recently by Sy Safransky. He writes: Years ago, I was trapped in a newspaper job I couldn't stand. Then I heard Graham Nash sing, "Make sure that the things you do keep us alive." The next day I walked to work, quit my job, and kept walking. Better to be a pilgrim without a destination, I figured, than to cross the wrong threshold every day.

Jesus walked on water into the storm. What am I willing to do? What am I willing to risk this New Year 2012? It may well tell the story of my true dreams.

A New Year's resolution

2011-12-31T07:58:00.001-05:00

Each New Year I look forward to a new beginning. I see it as an opportunity to let go of the past, and begin yet again. In my eagerness to make a fresh start, I always make resolutions. As the years past, I realize that many of my expectations are not just about me, but about others, and that sometimes I am unrealistic.

I have lived long enough to know that much of the stress we experience in our lives comes from unrealistic expectations. We fail to look at the norm, at the conduct we or another person consistently demonstrates. We want more, and we want better. Often these desires have more to do with our own conduct and expectations and less to do with another. The problem is, such attitudes guarantee disappointment.

I wonder how many of our disappointments could be averted if we kept this in mind. I've often been reminded of my own "unrealistic expectations" of another, and have struggled to remember the person's usual conduct, and not to expect differently. This fact is not depressing; it is part of what it means to accept reality for what it is.

I think part of our unrealistic expectations come because we don't like living in an imperfect world. In a perfect world, yes, all would be thoughtful, sensitive, generous and kind. In a perfect world, no one would insult, slander, or offend. In a perfect world, I would not have to deal with my selfishness, my ego, my needs. But in reality, all these things that I struggle with affect me, affect others, cloud my vision and affect my altruism. I struggle even when I think I'm being my best. So do others.

This brings me back to the birth of Jesus. He embraced this imperfect world with its disappointments, its pain and sorrow, and its limitations. He did not come to change that. He came to demonstrate that an imperfect world need not deter me from following my dreams. He came that I might look beyond the pain and suffering of this life and find renewal in purpose. He came to show me the Way in an imperfect world.

I am determined this New Year to remember that. I am determined to focus on my dreams and accept my imperfect situation. I am going to focus on what I can be, not the imperfections all around me. Most of all, I am going look forward to opportunity.

I wish the same for you. Happy New Year!

A wish for you for 2012

2011-12-30T09:03:00.001-05:00

Looking back over the year, I find it overwhelming to remember the natural disasters, the political stalemates, the deaths, tragedies and rebellions that took place just this past year. I need to remember that all of these incidents are an indication of something bigger: how resilient we are as a nation.

In light of this, perhaps the best words uttered this past year were words spoken by a dying man.

Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become, said Steve Jobs at the commencement speech at Stanford.

Your heart and intuition. Here is the place you can become influenced by the Spirit, and led to your destiny.

To hear your heart, to tune into your intuition, you need a certain amount of honesty and authenticity. You need silence and meditation. You need a certain jumping off point, a tragedy of sorts, a place where your own plan has failed, and you need to regroup and consider.

José Ortega writes: This is the simple truth – that to live is to feel oneself lost. Whoever accepts this has already begun to find herself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, she will look around for something to which to cling, and that tragic, ruthless glace, absolutely sincere because it is a question of her salvation, will cause her to bring order to the chaos of her life….She who does not really feel herself lost, is without remission; that is to say, she never finds herself, never comes up against her own reality.

My wish for you in 2012: embrace feeling shipwrecked. You are about to find your heart, your intuition, and your dreams.

Discover the power

2011-12-29T09:18:00.000-05:00

New Year is almost here, and many of us are making resolutions. I would like to suggest a resolution most will probably not think of: make time for Lectio Divina.

Lectio Divina is a medieval monastic custom, a form of reading, particularly, reading scripture. Duncan Robertson explains that the reader "tastes" the words of Scripture on the "palate" of the heart, or indeed literally in the mouth as he or she pronounces them; one has then to "chew" the text thoroughly and "digest" it, that is to say, proceed toward interpretation and personal appropriation. This formulation takes into account the affective, even visceral, responses that precede understanding, and eventually accompany and follow it. The reader, according to Cassian, should feel the "power" of the words, before attempting to grasp their meaning; understanding would come later...as a gift of the Spirit at some unguarded moment....

Think of that word power. If your reading of scripture is to memorize, you have not felt the power of the Words. If you read scripture simply to educate yourself, you will not understand its mystery. Even if you read scripture prayerfully, you will still not experience the power of these words. To do so, you must take time to let the words rest on the "palate" of your heart, and then "chew" them by repeating them over and over again. Remember the words of Robertson--understanding comes later, as a gift of the Spirit at some unguarded moment, like driving in your car, or waiting at the checkout counter, or even eating dinner.

Lectio offers me an opening to understanding, because it asks me to hold on to the Word for a greater length of time. I need to stay with that Word, treasure it from every angle, and gaze on it without needing to interpret. I repeat it not in an intellectual way, but in a visceral way, waiting for it to reveal its own mysteries to me. I wait, not forcing my understanding, but willing to carry that word until the Spirit descend into my soul with new meaning and understanding.

This is how I discover the Power of the Word. This is the change that transforms me. When I learn to sit and wait, when I give the Word a new respect by holding it sacred, I prepare myself for revelation. That revelation is not for others, but for me, for my life with the Divine, for my own nourishment.

Herein is the Power. Herein is the transformation.

The year in review

2011-12-28T06:55:00.000-05:00

Reading through a number of blogs that I follow, I noticed a common theme running through them all: sadness that Christmas is over, a old year is about to end, and winter is upon us. The blogs all reminded us that Jesus is the light, even when we feel in darkness. All in all, they were pretty much saying, get over it and remember the better days.

I do not like darkness any more than anyone else. But I do find that my concept of darkness has changed over the years. In fact, I find that darkness can sometimes be a time of peace and quiet, a time for inner growth and enlightenment. I used to fear darkness, and believe that when one truly loves God, one no longer experiences darkness. I no longer agree.

A sermon for Christmas by Abbot Paul mentioned how the most important events in the history of Judeo/Christian religion happened in darkness: the creation of the world, the birth of Jesus, and the death of Jesus. I think that thought is worth pondering a bit.

Perhaps darkness symbolizes our state of wonder, when we gaze up at the stars and moon and look for light. Perhaps darkness is our time of gestation, when we grow and nurture our soul before taking on a new battle in life.

Darkness need not be a fearful and dreaded thing. It can mean rest.

And so, looking back over the year, dark days should not discourage us. For great things can come from darkness if we let go of our fear and wait with hope.

2011-12-27T07:41:00.000-05:00

I love this quote from Wisdom 18: 14-15: When peaceful silence lay over all, and night had run half of her swift course, your all-powerful word, O Lord, leaped down from heaven, from the royal throne.

Peaceful silence. We all practice silence at times, as a way to recharge, but also as a way to punish. We practice silence when we are in turmoil, or insulted, or simply too depressed to talk. But that is a mournful silence, an angry silence, a selfish silence.

Peaceful silence. It seems a prerequisite for the Word leaping down. It implies the ability to let go, to forgive, to face difficulties with tranquility. It speaks to my ability to balance my life so that what happens to me and my choice of response do not collide in conflict. It hints that difficulties are to be resolved through reflection, prayer, and acceptance. Not an easy action.

Peaceful silence. I'm reminded of the kind of silence that we experience during the stillness of night, or standing in falling snow, of while watching a glowing sunset. All these natural beauties happen in a special kind of silence, as though waiting for us to appreciate them.

Perhaps this is why the Word waits. In peaceful silence, waiting for us to appreciate him.

A New Year's resolution that gives life

2011-12-26T08:21:00.000-05:00

I will never forget the service I attended last year, and the priest asked how many in the congregation had made New Year's resolutions. Two of us raised our hands. He chuckled and said, "So you'll still doing that," as if we were to be pitied. I sat there and thought, what?

I've heard it before. "Well, I never keep my New Year's resolution, so I've stopped making them." To me, nothing is more pitiable than that kind of attitude. Well, almost nothing. Because such words and sentiments come from those who have given up. Why resolve? You'll only break that resolution. So don't bother.

I think what bothers me the most is the why bother attitude. How can I continue to make progress as a person if I don't bother? How can I increase my attention, deepen my spirit, become more aware of the Divine if I don't bother? My journey is a active choice being made over and over again. I cannot sit on the sidelines and expect my life to deepen by itself.

I wonder if such attitudes come because many resolutions are only "corrective". I believe such resolutions stem from a deeper, hidden, self-loathing. Why, when we think of making things better, is our first thought to attack our own self, to alter it in some drastic form, to bash it or humiliate it or reform it? It's no wonder we get tired and burnt out with such resolutions.

Resolutions should enhance our person, not destroy it. If we have bad habits, they often stem from deeper conflicts, conflicts that are better addressed through meditation, reflection, and acceptance. It's amazing how such practices can open up the heart and help us to love the very one we have most difficulty loving: ourselves.

I encourage you, if you've given up on resolutions, to attempt a spiritual one this year, one more accepting and gentle on your soul. And if you are making resolutions, I urge you to cast aside the ones that attack your person, and instead opt for something that feeds your soul. In all of this, remember the words from John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, so that we might not perish, but have eternal life.

We need resolutions that give life.

What does Christmas mean to you?

2011-12-25T06:34:00.000-05:00

Ever stop to analyze why Christmas is such a special season? No matter what your belief, there is a spirit in the air, a lightness in people's heart, and excitement. If only we took the time to contemplate what spawns such a spirit, maybe we could extend it a little longer, a few more weeks, a few months, even throughout the year.

I suspect that a great deal of the joy created at this time of year comes from our sense of oneness. Somehow, we manage to think of others more, and in so doing, we find that we are bound together more than we realize.

Perhaps that spirit, one of ties and family, come because during the season of Christmas we are more willing to let go, in order to celebrate. Filled with the spirit of Christmas, we tend to be more generous, more forgiving, and kinder.

Who wouldn't want that spirit to continue?

Who wouldn't want a world at greater peace?

I believe it can and will continue throughout the year when we have made the child more than a seasonal celebration, when we know the child, the Divine Child, not on a friendly basis, but with a deep abiding love.

Then we will not wait for Christmas to speak to him again. We will do it on a daily basis.

And we will live with a spirit of Christmas in our hearts and souls.

Merry Christmas!

A Christmas Prayer

2011-12-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

On Christmas we celebrate when the fullness of time came,

and we saw Divinity in a child,

poor, lonely, and vulnerable.

Yet the child brought hope,

by fulfilling promises made long ago,

of redemption and salvation.

The child came, not to receive glory,

but to give

light that shines in darkness.

Now the prophecy has been fulfilled:

he who is Wonderful, God counselor, prince of peace

is among us.

He has placed his hand upon the lion's head

and played before the adder's lair.

by giving meaning to our suffering.

For before the child was born,
blessings were the good things that happened to us,
and sufferings, God's punishments.

This child has turned the table,
and shown that all men and women, children and vulenrable adults
suffer and have pain.

Blessings come from remembering the child,
and the gift of life he gives,
a gift that overcomes all adversities.

This Christmas day, we return to remember,
God dwells here on earth,
within the simple and trusting heart.

May the Prince of Peace

bring that peace to each and every heart

this Christmas Day, and every day.

Amen

O Come Emmanuel!

2011-12-23T07:41:00.000-05:00

Today, the last of the "O" antiphons are sung, O come Emmanuel!

Interesting in our novena, every single day we ask the messiah to come. The "O" antiphons are all about desire and longing. And yet, this last O antiphon actually tells us that God is with us, as that is the meaning of Emmanuel!

Revelation reaffirms that God already is here, dwelling with us. Rev. 21:3 says I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. God will dwell with them and they will be God's people and God will always be with them as their God.

Maybe our cry should be, help us open heart and recognize that God is already within!

It is often our way, to ask for that which we already have, to seek elsewhere when it is here, to think we still need when we only need awaken and open our eyes.

So much of our Christmas in the United States revolves around gift giving. Not that that is bad. It just sets us in the mind that we need more, that we should be getting.

In the monastery, the focus is turned. Christmas is all about receiving, and the focus is on realizing the gift of grace, of peace, of God already within.

Let us come before the Infant Jesus this year and pray, not that he comes, but that we open and realize what we already have!

A true spirit of Christmas

2011-12-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

O Morning Light!

2011-12-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

I love the O Antiphon for today, which calls upon the Savior to come and enlighten "those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death."

It focuses on those "who sit in darkness". I think that is because, darkness is part and parcel of life. All of us share this journey. Sitting in darkness perhaps signifies the soul who can wait in faith without having to have answers, the soul patient and content to seek without having it now. Sitting in darkness may be the soul in meditation, one that allows the light to come slowly, as dawn that breaks slowly to begin a new day.

Dawn breaks the darkness of night. Jesus breaks the darkness of soul.

Sitting in darkness may be recognizing our state, and looking forward to the light of dawn.

O Dayspring, brightness of eternal Light and Sun of Justice; come and enlighten those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death. (Traditional "O" Antiphon)

O Root of Jesse

2011-12-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

O Root of Jesse says the O Antiphon for today. A sign for the people, before whom Kings remain silent.

What message can we take from today’s O antiphon? While thinking of yesterday’s gospel, I felt attracted to the thought of going inward, seeking meaning, and using reflection to create depth to one’s life. Now, I can see that such thoughts mirror the concept of roots…for roots seek to go deep.

We are one week before Christmas. When I take a look around, I see lights, decorations, and demonstrations of the Season everywhere. I like that, for it puts me in a certain spirit, one filled with joy and hope and good feelings.

But I am coming to regard Christmas season as offering almost the opposite of what should govern our spiritual lives. Jesus came from out of mystery, as Romans 16:26 says: the revelation of the mystery kept secret for long ages but now manifested through the prophetic writings--made known to all nations...

But for me, I must retrace that journey, and to do so, I must go inward into mystery and find the revelation meant for me.

God does speak to me. But I have not trained myself to be aware of the Voice. I look for signs, for lights, for outward things to give me a feelings of warmth and joy.

I need to seek inward, in my own soul, for that same joy and warmth. I need to uncover the revelation waiting for my discovery.

Jesus born in a stable is celebrated once a year. I can celebrate the revelation of the Divine Being every day, in my inner sanctum, in my soul, in my roots.

O Root of Jesse, who stood as a sign for the people, before you kings shall remain silent, and to you the Gentiles shall make supplication: come to deliver us, and do not delay. (O Antiphon for Dec. 19th)

O Antiphons: O Adonai

2011-12-18T05:56:00.000-05:00

O Adonai, and Leader of the house of Israel, you appeared to Moses in the flame of the burning bush and gave him the law on Sinai; come, and with an outstretched arm, redeem us!

Every year it happens, the mournful and hopeful chant of the O antiphons. Beginning on Dec. 17th, this most ancient of rites in the church begins the solemn novena for Christmas.

If you know the chant, I would encourage you to sing it yourself today. Or perhaps you could find a monastery where Vespers is still chanted in the ancient rite, and this will be sung.

Here is an explanation for today's antihpon:

Exodus 3:2: "An angel of the Lord appeared to him in fire flaming out of a bush. As he looked on, he was surprised to see that the bush, though on fire, was not consumed".

Exodus 6:6: "Therefore say to the Israelites: I am Yahweh. I will free you from the enforced labor of the Egyptians and will deliver you from their slavery. I will rescue you by my outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment".

"Adonai" is Hebrew for "my Lord", and was substituted by devout Jews for the name "Yahweh", out of reverence. With this second antiphon we progress from creation to the familiar story of God manifesting himself by name to Moses and giving his law to Israel as their way of life. We are also reminded of the Israelites' deliverance from bondage under pharaoh - a foreshadowing of our own redemption from sin. The image of God's arm outstretched in power to save his chosen people also brings to mind the later scene of Jesus with his arms outstretched for us on the cross.(From http://www.rc.net/wcc/antiph18.htm)

Monastic recipes for Christmas

2011-12-17T08:08:00.000-05:00

With Christmas only a week away, I thought I'd share some of the Monastic recipes I've managed to get from various monasteries.

I have already posted these recipes at Examiner.com, so I will only post links here that will take you to those recipes.

I would love to hear your comment on these, as I have never made any of them myself.

Christmas Stolen (shared by Sr. M. Sacred Heart from Marbury monastery)

http://www.examiner.com/spiritual-perspectives-in-baltimore/a-monastic-recipe-christmas-stolen

Christmas Fruitcake (shared by Sr. M. Regina from the West Springfield monastery)

http://www.examiner.com/spiritual-perspectives-in-baltimore/monastic-recipe-christmas-fruitcake

Pumpkin Bread (shared by Sr. M. Sacred Heart from Marbury monastery)

http://www.examiner.com/spiritual-perspectives-in-baltimore/a-monastic-recipe-pumpkin-bread

St. Lucy braided bread (shared by Sr. M. Sacred Heart from Marbury monastery)

http://www.examiner.com/spiritual-perspectives-in-baltimore/a-monastic-recipe-st-lucy-braided-bread

If you make any of these recipes, please let us know your opinion. And if you know anyone who has a monastic recipe, please share with us!

The greatest gift

2011-12-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

As I remember the past year, of the times of joy, the times of fear and stress, the times of success and confusion, I think of what a wonderful thing it is to have a friend who understands, listens, reaches out, and cares.

In life, we can bear almost anything if we have a friend close at hand. For some reason, having at least one person to listen to us and care makes a difference. It doesn't take away any pain or lessen any sorrow. But in the great scheme of things, just having one person can make the difference between keeping faith and losing it.

As I listen to the many wonderful and beautiful Christmas carols, I think that maybe when Jesus came, he did not so much want us to see him as savior as he wanted us to see him as friend. If we think of him only as Savoir, we keep ourselves at a distance, and look at him as someone superior and above us, as John the Baptist did when he said, "I am not worthy to unloose his sandal strap." But if Jesus wanted us to see him only as Lord and Savior, would he have come this way, a small, helpless child? Who fears a child? Better yet, who feels inferior to a child? Does not a child draw us near, inviting us to view vulnerability in its purest form?

I believe that to be true Christians, we are to imitate Jesus as friend. We are to offer encouragement, to be the ear to listen and the heart to receive. I think back to the sermon given on the occasion of the young man lost in a tragic car accident. I had problems not only with the message, but with the voice conveying it, because I could not feel any empathy. The voice told the family how they should feel and how they would receive comfort. But I could not detect compassion.

When you go over your list of gifts, do not forget the best one you already give. Do not forget that for a friend, just the fact that you care, that you listen, that you receive without judgement and listen without giving answers, that is the biggest and best gift. And no material gift can match it.

He did not presume to know

2011-12-15T20:05:00.001-05:00

Have you ever met someone whose very demeanor spoke of self-importance? And has that person ever been a person of the cloth?

I ran into one today. "Good morning, Father," I said in greeting. "Monsignor!" he immediately corrected, looking down at me disapprovingly. As he stood there, his nose and his chin elevated in an attitude of superiority, I almost laughed. So you're one of those I thought to myself.

The occasion was a funeral for a young man, 20 yrs old, who died tragically in a car accident. As I stood there and heard him go on and on and on about what he decided would be best for the family, and what would not be, I wanted to say, How dare you. How dare you presume to think you know! I disagreed with him. I lost someone that young in a similar accident just a little over a year ago. I was that grieving family.

When I reflected on the incident of today, it occurred to me that that is why Jesus came as a child, and was born in a stable. He didn't presume to know what it was like to be us, to be poor, or cold, or hungry, or betrayed or suffering or any other human emotion. He came to be us. In effect, he came to be humble.

Humility is a great virtue because in essence it says, I don't presume to know. In essence it says, I want to listen, I want to hear you, I want to learn.

Remember your dignity

2011-12-13T09:25:00.000-05:00

Drawn by Mary Grace Thul, OP

How awful not to be recognized for who I am. And yet, it seems from history to be a common occurrence. In Matthew 17:10 we read about the disciples questioning Jesus about the prophecy that said Elijah must come before the Messiah. Jesus replied: I tell you that Elijah has already come, and they did not recognize him but did to him whatever they pleased. (17:12).

We suffer when others do not recognize who we are. Worse, we suffer more when that person is our own self, when I do not recognize my own worth.

Empowerment means breaking free from false conceptions, and the real enemy is ignorance of the dignity we carry within, a dignity that needs to be honored. Let us remember a phrase from Isaiah that says, On high I dwell--with the crushed and dejected in spirit. To revive the spirits of the dejected, to revive the hearts of the crushed (Isaiah 57:15).

The image we often disown and deny is the image of a wounded and vulnerable self, because we fear to appear needy. But that is the self that holds dignity and honor, the self that the Most High desires to dwell with.

Jesus was rejected because of his human stature. Those waiting for the Messiah were looking for something, someone different than Jesus. He was rejected because he was too human.

Let us not do the same to our own soul.

Knowing God in darkness and in light

2011-12-10T06:19:00.000-05:00

Winter reminds us that fluctuations in life are part of the natural cycle. For us in the Northern Hemisphere it means shorter days and longer nights. It is nature providing us with proof of the usefulness of darkness and dormancy, and its power to prepare life even while all seems asleep.

To learn the truth of the words of Teresa of Avila, One knows God in oneself, and knows oneself in God, often requires us to journey through a night of darkness, a darkness that ultimately reveals. Perhaps we need darkness in our spiritual lives because we cannot bear the whole truth about ourselves in full light. Perhaps in darkness we learn to look with different eyes, one that looks in rather than out. Perhaps darkness makes us stop to think, instead of rushing headlong into activity.

Whatever the reason, we know that darkness is part and parcel of a spiritual life. We know that darkness often illuminates our own sense of ourselves, so that we realize that helplessness, imperfection and our true unflattering selves are not a hindrance to loving God; only their denial is. And in that truth, we find we can leave the world of appearance and walk in the corridor of the inner sanctum. And there, darkness will be greater than light; we will accept our naked self; and powerlessness will not frighten us because we will know God, and in his Light we will see Light itself.

Surrender to God

2011-12-07T07:28:00.000-05:00

Create a clean heart in me, O God, and renew in me an upright spirit we pray in psalm 51:12. The psalm is a cry from a heart of anguish, but one that knows all healing comes from God.

Augustine of Hippo makes note that we can wound ourselves, but we cannot heal ourselves. We can stab and wound our flesh whenever we want, but to heal it we look for a doctor; well, in the same way the soul is perfectly able to wound itself, but to heal the hurt it has caused, it implores the helping hand of God.

I have seen times when deep wounds make an individual angry at God, and that individual turns from God and seeks comfort elsewhere. I feel sad when I witness this, because I know that the individual is searching for comfort away from the true source of healing.

To be healed by God sometimes requires surrender. The more we clutch the hurt to ourselves, the greater the pain and anguish we feel. If we can surrender, if we can let go, we can spread our soul like eagle's wings, and fly above our pain.

Surrender implies many things. It may be accepting a situation without having the answers to my many questions. It may be letting go of guilt and and facing the reality of the human condition. Or it may mean realizing that God doesn't save me from death and disaster, but can help me find meaning in the pain.

Acceptance does not come easy. Some times we get comfort from staying angry with God. But we don't get healing. Sometimes we cannot let go of the pain. But clutching wounds only makes them fester. Sometimes it seems easier to stay in darkness than to turn toward light. But we shall never come out of our grief if we do not step forward.

If you know someone in pain and suffering, hold them in your heart and in your prayer. Hold them as you stand before the Divine Being. If they cannot seek comfort from the source, seek it for them.

Longings and expectations

2011-12-05T08:03:00.000-05:00

Longing is the flame that sheds light

During Advent, we hear of a population, a race, a people crying out for a savior to come and save them. According to Scripture, these cries went on for over four thousand years. Come and save us, they cried out through the prophets, the priests, and the wandering people. Troubles often produce such longings.

Maybe Advent is a good time to reflect on our longings. Are we crying out and feeling unheard? If so, what does that mean?

Not all who longed for the Savior recognized him when he came. He neither looked nor acted like the King they expected. And he did nothing to dispel their doubts except ask them to remember the prophecies of old and compare those prophecies to his life.

It is good to realize we may not always see straight, understand correctly, or desire truly. It is good to long, and to check our desires. It is good to see if we are receiving our desire, but just not recognizing it because it has not come in the package we want.

Be a messenger of hope

2011-12-02T07:16:00.000-05:00

Words. They are only as important as we make them. If I do not hold to what I promise, my words are cheap and empty. If I mean what I say, then my words are true, and they hold respect and trust.

I think that is the meaning of Alfred Delp's words, let ourselves be comforting messengers. Hope grows through the one who is herself a person of the hope and the promise. We can only offer that which we hold true.

I think Advent is a time to take stock of my words and to honor my promises. To make sure I carry out what I say, regardless of its inconvenience, to be more authentic in my speech.

That is because Advent is about the Word. As the book of Wisdom says so eloquently, For while all things were in quiet silence, and the night was in the midst of her course, Thy almighty word leapt down from heaven from thy royal throne. (Wisdom 18:14-15)

That Word stayed true. It came for a purpose, and it accomplished that purpose. My words should be as sacred. I should do what I say, even if it is night and no one else is around to witness it. This is how I become a messenger of hope. This is how I further the promise.

Led from judgment to compassion

2011-12-01T05:51:00.000-05:00

In my line of work, dealing with an individual is about looking past her actions and into her woundedness. It changes one's perspective, and keeps one looking at what wounds a person may be suffering from rather than why is a person is doing this or that. It leads one from making judgment to offering compassion.

I wonder if that is why Isaiah calls the Messiah the wounded healer, one who not only suffered, but kept his wounds visible for the disciples to see even after his resurrection. And Isaiah says, by his wounds we are healed (53:5). Healed from what? Perhaps we are healed from our judgments and our near sighted view of the human condition. Perhaps we are healed from looking at others in superficial ways instead of from the depth of one's own woundedness and compassion.

If I remember my own struggle, I will look upon someone else from that place, I will bring a lot more compassion into our world. Many people suffer silent, hidden wounds. They carry these wounds as burdens upon their heart. And when that burden becomes too heavy, they may lash out or cut me off. If I can look past that conduct to see a burdened heart, I could offer empathy and compassion. Perhaps I can not lift that person's burden. But at least I can refrain from adding to it.

In this Advent Season, we like to think of the joyful aspects of our faith. But let us never forget, we are all wounded, all vulnerable, all in need of compassion. The very reason the Savior came as an Infant and not as a full grown King was to draw out that compassion from our hearts. An Infant is very decidedly vulnerable.

Let that be the gift we offer this Christmas Season. Let our preparation be mindful of our own woundedness, and let that memory overflow in compassionate acts that bring some of that peace to others.

Fearing to Thirst

2011-11-30T07:26:00.000-05:00

I love this quote from Lautréamont: According to what I am told, I am the son of man and woman; This astonishes me...I thought I was more.

We all want more than mere birthright. We all long for something we think of as more. But as much as we long, so true too is the fact that this longing is unsettling, disturbing, difficult. Often we don't know how to fill the void inside, or simply, that void, that unsettling feeling, that thirst hurts too much. And so, as Bernard Bro says, as much as we long, we also fear. This is the tragic aspect of the grandeur of the mind. Each of us succeeds perfectly, if she so wishes, in suffocating the questions that disturb her, in anesthetizing them...we have a thirst for happiness, but we are afraid of being thirsty.

Timothy 2:12 says, Let our lives be honest and holy in this persent age, as we wait for the happiness to come...

Part of thirst is waiting. I do not know anyone who likes waiting. Perhaps that is the real challenge. For that is the spirit of Advent.

Sojourn into the Desert

2011-11-29T10:28:00.000-05:00

During this season of the year we read about John the Baptist and his desert experience. We are told that Isaiah prophesied, a voice would cry out in the wilderness asking us to make straight the path to our God (Is. 40:9). I have always thought of the Advent desert as a time of personal preparation: clean out the excess thoughts and grudges, make ready the heart to welcome Divinity in with greater fullness.

But on my walk this morning, as I was thinking of Finals and papers, another thought came to me. I realized that we all have deserts in our lives, times when our efforts seem to produce little fruit, when life seems dry and barren, and success and happiness become nothing but a mirage. Perhaps the Baptist's call to go into the desert is a cry to care for a fellow sojourner whose life has become difficult.

We fill in the valleys and make every mountain and hill low when we help to balance that person's hope. We can help diminish some of that fear and build up some of that confidence. In short, we can give encouragement and understanding. If we do this, the sojourn in the desert may be shortened, and that person will come out a whole person, not one broken and defeated.

There are so many of us who could profit by a bit of understanding. Yes, we may act out our fears and anxiety. But if only one person sits by us, holds our hand and hears our story, we find heart and courage. In that courage we may even find healing and wholeness.

Isn't that what the Christmas story is all about? A story of hope in the midst of a very unfair world. So let us each look for that sojourner in the desert, the one who feels weighed down right now and can use a caring heart. Let us reach out not with our answers, but with a sympathetic ear that listens to their story. Who knows. That may be the one thing that they need at this time.

Advent in the monastery

2011-11-27T19:05:00.000-05:00

Advent. When the season comes around, I find myself homesick for the life of a monastic. Where else would life take on new meaning just because it is Advent? No where but in a monastery. With first Vespers comes added silence, fasting and prayer. And one is reminded again to prepare one's heart for the very real coming of the Divine Being into one's heart and soul.

The monastic liturgy reflects this longing. The chant is haunting, yearning, and solemn. A mainstay for this season is the Rorate Caeli. If you have never heard this chant, I encourage you to listen to it in this Youtube clip.

The spirit of Advent reminds the monastic that this is why she left all she held dear and entered a monastery. In a way, she has entered the desert of John the Baptist, one void of many earthly pleasures such as marriage, family, wealth and fame. She had done so because she wants to better prepare her heart and soul for one Divine. She lives in readiness and expectancy. This is her life. It is what makes her different from other lovers of the Divine.

Advent: a time of preparation

2011-11-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, Advent will begin with First Vespers. The whole liturgical tone will change and an attitude of preparation will permeate the season. In monasteries, Advent is a time to seriously prepare the soul for a greater awareness of God by fasting, prayer and penance. Make straight a pathway to our God we read in John 1:23. How do we make our pathway straight?

Peter John Cameron writes At a certain point in life, the profound desires and cravings of our heart reach a point of eruption in us. Yet, at the same time comes the awareness that we cannot bring about what we want--we do not have inside us what is needed to fulfill and satisfy our longings. And so with our infinite yearnings we turn to the Infinite and cry, "Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down."

Cameron is explaining how we make our path straight, through a greater awareness of our need for the Divine Being. Advent is a season that reflects on our need for the Infinite to dwell within, to satisfy the human heart, to fulfill our longings. Advent is a protection against consumerism, which would have us believe that Christmas is all about giving gifts. Christmas is about receiving Divinity, and our ability to receive is comparable to our preparation.

In monasteries, Advent always begins with a personal resolution. I continue this practice, and this year I resolve to spend more quiet time in reflection, so that I can deepen my relationship with the One who can fulfill all my longings. I will do this so that I remember the spiritual and not be caught up with the material. For me, it will be a way to preserve my monastic heritage and not loose my monastic roots. For me, it will be a reminder that the Infinite wants to dwell within me if I give room.

What will it be for you?

A Time to give thanks

2011-11-24T09:55:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving Day, a time to give thanks.

As we give thanks for what we see as blessings, let us not forget those things that helped us grow and mature. Perhaps they were painful times. But they are blessings none the less.

This is the concept given to us in Romans: For those who love God, all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). Blessings come in many guises, including those we do not like.

This Thanksgiving Day, I want to be grateful for all the gifts I have been given, even those I wish I had not gotten. Because it all can work together for good, if I just give it a chance.

A Thanksgiving Day Prayer

2011-11-23T08:07:00.000-05:00

A Thanksgiving Day prayer:

For the love of brothers and sisters, a love that feeds my soul, I say thanks.

For the blessing of true friends, who support, encourage, and mirror my own spirit, I give thanks.

For parents who, despite faults and failings, brought me into this world, I thank you O God.

For the gifts that make me unique, and for the opportunity to exercise these gifts, I am grateful.

For a country that allows me to speak my mind, to pursue my dreams, and to choose my career, I say thank you.

For spiritual blessings that make me appreciate my earthly possessions without depending on them, I give thanks.

For the gifts of mind and soul, that help me see my blessings, share my blessings, and proclaim God's goodness, I offer praise.

For you O God are Divine, above all creatures, yet content to live within each soul. You are the reason I give thanks, for you are the source of all blessings. To you be praise, honor, and glory. Forever.

And thanks for the turkey.

Amen

A reason to be thankful

2011-11-22T08:19:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving day is almost here! As I list my reasons for gratitude, I do not want to forget those most important in my life. A recent scene brought this to mind.

I was setting up for the service one Sunday when a young man in uniform came in to review his readings. He had just returned home from duty, and was flanked by his dad and two younger brothers. As I watched the boys in the sacristy, I was deeply touched by the youngest brother. As his military brother stood against the counter reviewing the readings, the younger brother went over to stand next to him. He stayed there, his body very close to his older brother, content to be near. Then he reached up to place his arms around his brother's shoulders, and held it there for several seconds. As he did so, he looked up at his brother, his face literally radiant and happy. The gesture, so spontaneous, so natural, filled with emotion, moved me deeply. I could not help but think, how wonderful for brothers to be so close.

The memory of that incident stays with me this week as I prepare for Thanksgiving. It makes me want to be sure to include every single loved ones in my prayer of gratitude. Too often I take them for granted.

Let us count all of our blessings this Thanksgiving. Let our gratitude not forget those we may sometimes take for granted. Let our prayer of thanksgiving be a hug that spans distances, and sends warmth and appreciation over the miles. Let us build a loving family.

God breaks rules

2011-11-20T06:23:00.000-05:00

I'd like to offer just a short thought today, from Richard Rohr's book, The Naked Now

"Good theology always protects God's total freedom, and does not demand that God follow our rules. Jesus does this explicitly in John's Gospel several times: 'The spirit blows where it wills. You can hear and see it by its effects, but you do not now where it comes from or where it goes" (3:8).

For some reason, we forget that every time God forgives or shows mercy, God is breaking God's own rules, being inconsistent and rather non-dualistic. Once you have known grace, your tit-for-tat universe is forever undone: God is everywhere and always and scandalously found even in the failure of sin. In fact, there is no place left where God cannot be found" (pg 77-78).

Our task is to find God. To let go of the small stuff. To take on the mind and heart of God by letting go of the tit-for-tat in favor of grace.

That is the true kingdom of God on this earth. That is finding the spirit wherever it blows.

When all things conspire to increase longing

2011-11-19T09:29:00.000-05:00

Tranquility has to come from beneath the surface.

Life is real! Life is earnest! And the grave is not its goal! wrote Longfellow is his poem, A Psalm of Life. We all know that, but sometimes we do let life get us down. We all have times when we are dissatisfied with how things are, and seek for something different, something better. It is possible for dissatisfaction to imprison our spirits and deflate our dreams.

Bernard Bro's book Happy Those Who Believe, directly addresses this situation:

Consider Zacchaeus, who struggled against the prison of his conscious; Mary Magdalene and the Samaritan woman, who struggled against the prison of their heart...All sensed a call. They were in a state of dissatisfaction...we would never have dared to imagine these preparatory cries of the Old Testament when God said to Daniel: "I came to you because you were a man of desire." And in Jeremiah: "I will put them in anguish so that they may find me."

I think the key here may be desire. Life can weigh down on us, it can threaten to crush us, it can take away the sparkle we once had in believing all things are possible. As we mature, we sometimes begin to think that past dreams were childish, and we put them aside. We begin to accept fate as inevitable, and life as a series of unavoidable events. It is as though we our journey in life got a flat tire, and we became content to drive through life on the rim. But we shouldn't.

That is why it is important to dig deeper, to find the meaning hidden in the event, be it pleasant or otherwise. If I live a deeper spiritual life, I will find the gift hidden in circumstance, I will not become a fatalist. Instead, I will see the lesson I am meant to learn, and in that very lesson, I will find God.

Part of believing is remembering that I am called. I have a mission, and despite all the chaos, I will discover it. So I must never settle for that flat tire. I must change it and move on. I can believe so as to show the world that all things can conspire to increase longing, that my dissatisfaction itself signals there is more to be had, and I will have it. Then dissatisfaction will work in my favor; and I will find, even in the midst of chaos, something of my dreams.

Finding spiritual vision

2011-11-18T07:24:00.000-05:00

Sight, in spirituality, consist of the ability to see beyond "the veil" of temporality. Unlike normal eyesight, spiritual sight needs to be cultivated. It is this cultivation we term "seeking perfection." In the spiritual journey, we are not seeking some sort of state that defies human existence; rather, we are attempting to live in an awareness of the spirit that moves both within and around us.

In his book The Naked Now, Richard Rohr writers You can be ignorant of your birthright. You can neglect the gift, and thus not enjoy its wonderful fruits....That seems to be the case with many people...who do not know who they are and whose they are, people who have no connection to their inherent dignity and importance.

I think the striking words here are dignity and importance. We don't even know ourselves if we remain in spiritual blindness. We don't know our own dignity and importance, we don't realize the power of God within us, we don't sense the all abiding presence there for the taking, a presence that would help us make sense of our lives.

To find light is to take time with that which is spiritual; to sit with silence and let it wrap its arms around you, to hear the inspirations of God in the stillness and darkness of your own soul. When you see, you do not so much begin to imagine spiritual realities as to make sense of the burdens in life. You began to look beyond the events and believe in destiny. You pierce the veil and know you are never alone. You realize that the temporal is not the abiding reality; there is a spiritual dimension to give it direction, meaning and purpose.

A heart crying out

2011-11-17T07:25:00.000-05:00

Take time to sit and be still.

Think long about your prayer.

Search to find the treasure hidden in the field of your heart.

Know that it is not what you know but how you live that is important.

Be joyful in what is good, and thankful for blessings.

Be the faith you profess.

Know that when you do, you make your life fully alive.

Running with my heart, and trusting my instincts

2011-11-15T07:01:00.000-05:00

I love the psalm that tells us to sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done wondrous deeds (98:1). I love it because I love to sing. But as I sit here with this psalm before me, I wonder what it is telling me when it says I should sing a new song.

Why does the song have to be new? Why not sing a familiar song, or a favorite one? Perhaps the message is that when we sing to the Lord, the song needs to come from my heart, to be my expression of my sentiments.

I remember when I worked on my undergrad thesis. The chair of the department had his own views on who I should write about and what I should write. I did not feel comfortable with that agenda. So I switched advisors. My new advisor told me to run with my heart, and trust my instincts. That brought me into a new level of exploration and confidence. Trusting my instincts, I found the new.

I think that is what psalm 98 is telling us. There are many songs out there for us to sing. But when I sing to the Lord and run with my own heart, I come to a new level with the Lord. The song is no longer a general hymn of praise, but reflects something I have found within my own heart. I am empowered, because I have made the song my own. I have found the new.

Sitting or shouting?

2011-11-14T08:23:00.000-05:00

Do you think in terms of Sirach 34:16, The Lord is a shelter from the heat, a shade from the noonday sun, a guard against stumbling, a help against falling. I have always wondered about individuals for whom life goes forward without a hitch. People who can quote this verse because for them, the Lord has always sheltered them from harm, guarded them from stumbling, and kept them from falling.

I think most of us identify better with the blind man in Luke 18:35-43, who sat along side of the road not even able to watch life pass him by. When he heard a commotion one sunny afternoon, he asked what was going on and was told Jesus was there. Hearing this, he sprang into action, calling out, "Son of David, have pity on me!" Those around him tried to shut him up. I suppose they were the ones for whom life had been straightforward, who had never needed to cry out, for whom the Lord was a shelter, a shade, a guard and help. But he would not keep quiet. And his reward was healing.

Come to think of it, I am not sure if there really are people for whom life is easy. I wonder if instead, there are those who cry out when they feel the need for help, and those who prefer to sit quietly by, not willing to appear vulnerable. For crying out does imply being needy, and that can be hard to admit. Yet, everything we read in scripture, both old and new, says that God listens when we cry out: my plans for you are peace and not disaster; when you call to me, I will listen to you (Jer. 29:14). Perhaps our destiny in life is not revealed until we cry out. Perhaps healing comes only with a willingness to be vulnerable.

A real image of one Divine

2011-11-13T06:17:00.000-05:00

The parable of the talents (Mt 25:14-30), when each person is giving a sum of money, and the lord of the house goes off on a journey. When the lord returns, he asks each of the persons with money to return it. The first two have invested, and so return it with interest. The third has buried it to keep it safe, and returns only that.

I've often wondered what hidden meaning I should get from this parable. I've heard many sermons that focus on the investing part, and that God expects us to make good use of our gifts, and will only give us more if we have prospered. A God who is watching and counting. But this weekend was the first time I heard a sermon that explained the parable in a way that spoke to my heart.

"God is less concerned about our mistakes than we are," the priest said. He explained the parable as a story about a willingness to take risks. Anyone who invests knows exactly what he is talking about.

The first two people spoken of in Matthew's parable were willing to risk. The story isn't that their investment produced more, but that they took a chance. They dared to try. The third person in the story would not. He was afraid of making a mistake.

As I think about it, I find that I have, in my past, feared too much to make mistakes. I saw God as one who keeps score, who wants us to choose wisely and rightly, one easily disappointed. Yes, my God was one who watched and counted.

But that is not the real God; that is only my own inner fear of God. As I've taken chances, made mistakes, gone forward, I've come to a better understanding. Mistakes do not keep me from going forward in my spiritual life; fear to make them does.

I often find myself thinking of the words of Paul in Cor. 2:2, that it has not even entered into our hearts what God has prepared for those who love him. I think of the qualities that make a good friend someone I want to be with. And I remind myself, God is that and more. No good friend watches and counts your mistakes. A good friend is someone who believes in you more than you do in yourself.

That is my God. And that is the why mistakes mean little to the one who is Divine. Effort, intention, and attempts, these are the things that matter.

Learning the secret

2011-11-12T07:58:00.000-05:00

One of the most interesting lines in scripture are the words of Jesus disciples, "Lord, teach us how to pray." They had the whole Jewish cycle of prayer, they had the law, they had the customs of their day; they had the Sabbath day prayer, the Feasts, the Vigils. And yet, when they saw Jesus pray, it was different, he was different, and they wanted to know why.

Andre Louf gives us a clue into Jesus' secret when he tells us that prayer has to be attended to little by little. Louf maintains that when we do this, we gradually rid our hearts of its surrounding dross; to listen to it where it is already at prayer; to yield ourselves to that prayer until the Spirit's prayer becomes our own.

Louf is telling us that Jesus' secret in prayer comes from melding our prayer with the Spirit's prayer until we are one. It happens, it just takes time and patience. As Louf goes on to say, if we stay with prayer, it will engender light, and through that light, our lives will change. Prayer is the power that uncaps the inner spring residing deep in our hearts. Once that spring burst forth, life changes, I change, my prayer changes.

Perhaps Simon Tugwell's words on prayer tell it best: It is not the immediate feeling that is important; that may or may not come. What matters is that we should be, slowly and quietly, molded by this rehearsal for and anticipation of the worship of heaven. It is a schooling for paradise.

Wisdom sings her own praises

2011-11-11T06:44:00.000-05:00

Wisdom. The power to know deep down what is most important. We read from the Book of Wisdom: In Wisdom is a spirit intelligent, holy, unique, manifold, subtle, agile, clear, unstained, certain...loving the good, keen, unhampered, beneficent, kindly, firm, secure, tranquil, all-powerful, all-seeing...For Wisdom...is an aura of the might of God and a pure effusion of the glory of the Almighty, therefore nothing that is sullied enters into her. For she is the refulgence of eternal light, the spotless mirror of the power of God, the image of his goodness.

We do not hear much about wisdom. Instead, other qualities are sought, like studiousness, success, and leadership. And what exactly is wisdom anyway? According the the reading above, it is the refulgence of eternal light, the spotless mirror of the power of God, the image of his goodness.

For wisdom to benefit anyone, it must first benefit me. How easy it is to bring God to others, to mirror the image of goodness in ways others can identify with, and yet feel empty inside myself. How strange that I can be a vessel of God to another, while still searching for that Divine Being. How unique that I can give someone an answer in my simple speech, while I do not know answers for myself.

This is simply how God works. Wisdom begins and grows through a life lived above the superficial cares of life. I can be wise for others. The real challenge is, can I be wise for myself?

Finding the secret

2011-11-10T06:57:00.000-05:00

Temple of God

2011-11-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

The temple of God is not made of stones, but of human hearts.

Ezekiel 47: 8-9 describes a trickle of water flowing out of the temple of God and becoming a veritable river, giving life to every sort of living creature that can multiply. The reading goes on to say:

Along both banks of the river, fruit trees of every kind shall grow; their leaves shall not fade, nor their fruit fail. Every month they shall bear fresh fruit for they shall be watered by the flow from the sanctuary. Their fruit shall serve for food, and their leaves for medicine (12).

When we tie this into Paul's letter to the Corinthians 3:16, which says Do you not know that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? we can see that we are that temple from which the river flows. We are the ones who can give life and even healing, if we are conscious of our destiny. When we live within that temple, aware of the presence of Divinity, life can go out from within us as well. It is an awesome concept, a wondrous dignity, and an immense responsibility.

As Paul says, For the temple of God, which you are, is holy (Cor 3:17).

A true friend

2011-11-08T06:51:00.000-05:00

"It's nice to see how your family has changed," I told someone recently. "The boys are so grown up and respectful, your husband is now taking on new responsibilities, and you are more at peace."

We tend to look for people who are where we are or who accept us as we are. And many times we expect to stay that way. But if we are sincere about our progress, our journey, our mission in life, than we should expect something different. We should expect challenge. And most challenges change us.

Funny how we accept that in nature, growth as a sign of health and life. No one complains when the seed they planted becomes a flower, or when the seeded lawn becomes grass. And all of that happens because of sun and rain.

Our spiritual life needs the same, and we find it in a good friend or companion. I should expect a true friend, one who is healthy for me, to be the one whose honesty and trust enable me to accept challenges. A good friend will have the courage to criticize me as well, as a way to urge me forward. I will accept constructive criticism because I, too, will express honest opinions. Such a relationship helps nurture the strongest roots.

If you look at your life and fail to see it changing, then it might be time to re-evaluate your relationships. It might be time to see if they harbor true life or superficial pleasantries.

Surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses

2011-11-02T05:09:00.000-04:00

'Justice' and 'truth' are abstract words says Peter John Cameron. When we remember the upright, just and truthful people of our...own acquaintance, the words acquire faces.

I like that thought. I like that we can know what goodness is by knowing someone who is good. We can know what generosity is through someone who is generous. And we can know more about God through someone who is God-like. That was the power of Mother Theresa or Gandhi. That is the inspiration available to us in this vale of tears.

I believe this is the way of wisdom spoken of in Proverbs 4:11: On the way of wisdom I direct you, I lead you on straightforward paths. Individuals who are steadfast in the practice of what they believe image that straightforward path. It is for us to see and be inspired. As Simon Tugwell says, we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, and so can undertake to run our course with endurance and without losing heart.

Take the time to see. It is all around us. Be enlightened and inspired.

Let there be life

2011-10-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

Often we think about drawing on our strengths, of becoming the person we are destined to be, of realizing our potential. Even here on this blog, topics often address issues of making myself a better spiritual person, fully conscious and deliberately living my life.

But there is another side I must not forget: giving back. Perhaps that is what the gospel story relates when it quotes Jesus as saying, "Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles" (Mt 5:41). I always found this a hard saying, as if someone can take advantage of me and I am to allow it. But I think that view misses the point. I think the Gospel story intends to challenge me to give more.

I recently experienced the receiving end. Someone reached out to me gratuitously. The thoughtful and unexpected gesture moved me deeply. As I struggled to voice my "thank you" the person simply said, "All I ask is that when you can, pass it on."

Maybe handing on is never forgetting as well. When I hand on, I stop and reflect how a similar gesture raised my spirits and brought new life to my soul. But I think it is more. I think that when we hand on, we imitate the Creator, who reached out into nothingness and chaos and offered life.

Becoming a single voice

2011-10-26T06:31:00.000-04:00

Echos. They fascinate me. Sometimes they do more...they draw me into a "following" mode. It’s not a bad thing to follow. Some people lead into very interesting paths. But sometimes when I give myself over to following, I forget to discern my own choices. When I do that, I lose my most authentic self. I let someone else dictate to me what should be, instead of searching for it inside my heart and pondering over it with my mind and praying over it while trying to discern.

To be authentic means to be brave enough to face myself alone, see who I really am, when no one is around, when I am in my room by myself, when there is no danger of criticism or shock or dismay. For we all fear the reaction we will receive if people really knew us. And I fear shocking myself more than shocking anyone else.

I am meant to be a clear, single voice. I am meant to sing my own song with my own voice. And when I sing my part, clearly and unabashedly, the melody takes on a new beauty, one coming from something only I can give.

Finding the spiritual vision

2011-10-25T06:36:00.000-04:00

How many times in life do we see or hear of someone trying to "fix" a situation? Countless. Perhaps that is because we believe life should be smooth, and when it is not, it is up to us to "fix" it.

We bring that same attitude to our life of faith. Faith should bring comfort, should bring peace, should make life "easy". After all, we believe. But faith doesn't remove all difficulties in life. The road of faith is full of rocks, bumps, confusion and darkness. Does that mean we are lacking in faith? Far from it. But if our goal is to "fix" things when they are rough, then we will do the same in our life of faith. When we do, we miss the gifts waiting for us in that bump, that roughness, that confusion and darkness.

Sometimes the things that happen to us are "messages" for us to hear. If we look at them as problems, we will miss the message. To see them as message means to stop the flow, take stock, listen, be still, and ponder. It means to examine the problem or difficulty, and self-reflect. In fact, no true faith can exist without self-reflection.

Faith is not the ticket to heaven, love is. Faith is the ability for you and me to transform a very tangible, worldly point of view into one of insight, depth and knowledge of the spiritual world. We will fail to achieve that insight if our attitude is geared to "fixing" all life's problems. Some problems exist to teach us something about ourselves. When looked at from this angle, we can see the opportunities we have to open our souls to greater spiritual vision. And spiritual vision, that is faith.

I love you Lord my strength!

2011-10-24T08:51:00.000-04:00

I cannot think of a psalm that speaks more to the heart of hearts than psalm 18: I love you, Lord, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my shield, my saving horn, my stronghold!

The psalm offers us a mantra, something we can say while driving, standing in line, or even beginning our meditation. It is unique because it addresses the Lord in familiar ways, and gives images that demonstrate the steadfastness of Divine Love: rock, fortress, and shield. It believes the Lord will deliver even as the Lord stands strong. In effect, this psalm tells us that the Lord is nigh, and will be there for us. It does not ask for signs or wonders, it simply proclaims the soul's belief in Divine Good Will.

It gives us a good example to follow. When we believe the Lord is our strength, we will not fret or worry so much about things that are, for the most part, beyond our control. We will know that the Lord is there for us, to deliver when fit, to save, to protect.

But most of all, the Lord is worthy of our love. And so we say wholeheartedly, I love you Lord, my strength, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer.

2011-10-22T07:49:00.000-04:00

L Giussani writes Life is not a tragedy. Tragedy is what makes everything amount to nothing. Yes, life is a drama. It is dramatic because it is the relationship between our I and the You of God, our I that must follow the steps which God indicates. (343)

The I and the You of God. It echos Buber's I and Thou concept, reminding me that there is a balance to my whole life because there is a rhythm to the spiritual relationship. It is not all about God, any more than it is all about me. It is the relationship that must be nurtured. In seeking God, I must not forget that I am uniquely made and that my I will live forever. In caring for the I, I must not forget I am made for God.

The I is likened to the tree planted near running water (God) that yields its fruit in due season, and whose leaves never fade. (Ps. 1) It is a reminder that growth needs nutrition, and water, just as the soul needs to learn self-care and spiritual awareness of one Divine.

Becoming the modern day mystic

2011-10-21T05:46:00.000-04:00

What was the medieval mystic but the person who believed that God could talk to her heart and soul? And we should believe the same...that God can talk to our heart and soul...and we can learn to discern that nudge of the spirit of God from those of our fanciful imagination or of other's influence over us. We can, if we but give it a chance.

Many of us are not encouraged to believe in that small voice within that prompts us in quiet ways. We are encouraged instead to seek outside guidance, to follow the common rule, or to submit to outside sources. Such outside seeking robs us of our inner strengths, lights, and power. It makes us believe that God does not speak to individuals, but only to heads of churches or people in power. And that is a tragedy.

You have the spirit of God within you. You just need to put yourself in touch with that spirit. Learning to be conscious to the promptings that come from within is not a fool proof process. It is one done only through trial and error, humbly acknowledging when we have not chosen wisely, and when we have.

Let us be in touch with the Divinity sheltered within our own soul. Let us let that Divinity guide us rather than those outside of our hearts. Let us be the true mystics of our time.

Meditation changing life

2011-10-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

We hear the benefits of meditation: calm, peace, and becoming centered. But my meditation should go further than just me...it should break forth into life.

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is she who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." writes Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It is a good question to ask myself. Do I take what I learn in solitude and silence and bring it with me into the crowd?

If I don't, then what does it profit me?

Whoever is not against you is for you

2011-10-18T08:58:00.001-04:00

I love to think of the scripture passage in Luke (9:49-50) where John says to Jesus "We saw someone casting out demons in your name and we tried to prevent him because he does not follow in our company." And Jesus said to him, "Do not prevent him, for whoever is not against you is for you." This gospel is interesting because Matthew gives us the same words, but twisted around to what we probably would rather hear: "He who is not with me is against me."

Back in the 1960s a group in France started an ecumenical community they called Taize. Recently a blog called Monks and Mermaids reminisced about his experience visiting Taize back in 1962, and he wrote:

What Taize gave me was a vision which has never left me, a perspective in which I could discern the Holy Spirit at work in all kinds of situations, indeed in all situations in which he is not excluded...Brother Roger held out to all the possibility of being orthodox without being sectarian, of adhering to the Truth while remaining humble in the presence of those who doubt or deny it, because Christ works in and through them...God does not have favourites...We are all equally sons and daughters of God.

I love this attitude, for it steps out of our defined institutions and looks for the spirit of God within each person. Luke's gospel says that Jesus himself said, Whoever is not against you is with you. I think we like to think more like Matthew...having our lines drawn, and putting others on the right or on the left. And yet Luke gives us a Jesus who sought to unite, not divide. He often bends rules and pushes the envelope in favor of compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

And that Jesus is the one I'd like to follow.

The Hound of Heaven seeks us

2011-10-17T08:44:00.000-04:00

The journey is anything but straightforward

Often we see our spiritual journey as a "following" of Christ. Even the scriptures quote Jesus as inviting others to "follow me." But in reality, it is Jesus who follows us, who seeks us out, who is ever attentive to us, even when we are unaware.

This thought was captured by Francis Thompson back in the early 1900s when he wrote The Hound of Heaven. Thompson begins his work with:

I FLED Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.	5
Up vistaed hopes I sped;

Thompson is admitting the many ways we flee from God. Most of us are hardly aware of these flights. We usually are focused on other things, the things that spell success for us, or happiness, or contentment. We are not actually running from God. We are just trying to follow a path that seems right for us.

But Thompson questions this path. He suggests that in reality, we flee God when we fail to make God the center of our search.

The wonderful part of Thompson's poem is not his realization of flight, but the realization that God was hounding him:

Still with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following Feet,

I find it a comforting thought that no matter how we screw up or where our pursuit takes us, we have Someone following us, not seeking to destroy or even condemn us, but to save.

What are the implications of this hounding? The Divine Being follows us so that when we realize our journey has not brought fulfillment or happiness, we don't have to walk all the way back to the beginning of our search and start all over again. All we have to do is turn around. And when we turn, we find the Divine Hound who has followed close behind, who in effect says:

Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save Me, save only Me?	170
All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.

For the Divine Being would not have our searching be in vain. God only wants that we should make our search in Presence. And once we realize that we do not need to compartmentalize our life, with the Divine Being on one side and success and personal identity on the other, we can stop fleeing. For both can be found in the Arms of the One who cares. And if we seek our future this way, there is no telling what we will find.

The Garden of Eden

2011-10-14T08:49:00.001-04:00

It is not enough to search for God, to strive to live a spiritual life, to seek. We must be searching in the right places. Sometimes I think that is the lesson we should take from the Genesis story of the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were looking for God outside of themselves, in the forbidden fruit of the tree. It is interesting that in Chapter two, that tree is called "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" (2:17). It is as if the author is trying to tell us that knowing good and evil does not equate becoming godly or like God. Knowledge does not of itself change us. We need more.

I wonder if the real reason Adam and Eve are removed from the Garden of Eden was not because they sinned, but because they failed to understand. God had given them everything they could want. Yet, with all their blessings, they didn't know where to look for growth. They thought it would come from something outside of themselves, from knowledge of good and evil.

By being cast into a harsh world, Adam and Eve actually had a better chance. Not having the comforts and beauty of Eden, their search turned inward. They realized growth starts in the heart with understanding, not in the mind with knowledge.

It is a lesson for you and for me. Perhaps we too fail in our search for God when things are going well and life seems blessed. Perhaps we want God in the fruit of success and the taste of accomplishment. And perhaps the difficulties we encounter are meant to help us retreat from searching there to lead us into our heart where we can seek to understand better. Perhaps when all is said and done, the Garden of Eden is not meant to be a beautiful place but a presence of mind and an attitude of heart. And when we find that spot in our heart where we retreat and reflect, maybe then we discover our own Garden of Eden, where God is close to us, and we no longer need to seek the Divine in the things outside.

To Dwell in the House of the Lord

2011-10-10T09:29:00.000-04:00

I was sitting quietly in church for the Sunday service. I had rushed in at the last minute, and picked the closest empty pew. I'd forgotten my prayer book, so I could not even follow the readings for that day. Worse, I was so distracted that I totally missed hearing the first reading. "Great," I thought, "I won't even know what the theme is supposed to be."

Then came the responsorial psalm. One thing I ask of the Lord, this I seek, to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life (ps. 27:4).

When those words hit my ears, all distraction ceased and I found myself transported back in time. I was standing at the podium in the center of the choir (the monastic term for chapel because all prayers are sung). I was singing those very words, and they were coming from deep within my soul. Lord, this I seek, to dwell in your house all the days of my life. Oh please, help me! I don't understand what is going on. I want this life more than I want anything else in life, but it isn't working for me. How will I stay in your house if things continue in this vein? How will I live in your house all the days of my life if you don't lift this pain and struggle from me? The cry came from the very depth of my soul, uttered in anguish, asking God for help.

But the Lord did not hear my prayer. The pain and struggle did not cease. I had to accept my fate, that monastic life did not suit my personality, my temperament, or my needs. I left the community and the monastic way of life with a heavy heart, longing for that which I could not have.

It has taken me years to come to terms with this reality of my life. During that time, I've come to realize that I can still live in the House of the Lord. I need only make myself conscious of Presence. It is Presence that fills a choir or church and dominates the space. I can bring that same Presence into my life. All I need is a consciousness that Presence contains the Divine Being. Then, I live in that House, be it my apartment, my car, or a walk in nature. When I make the House of the Lord come into my life in this way, I can live in that House all the days of my life.

I remember now. And because of my remembrance, I no longer grieve.

2011-10-08T10:53:00.000-04:00

Fall. A time when nature is preparing for sleep is also the time of harvest. I never experience fall without being reminded of my youth, when we spent autumn picking apples and making cider at our apple farm.

Perhaps it is a lesson for life-that when life seems to be dying it is also preparing fruit. I for one prefer sunshine and mild weather. But I also know that apples cannot grow unless they have a certain amount of dormant days. Without that "rest" they simple cannot rejuvenate. And dormant days for apple orchards mean freezing temperatures.

Nature offers us so many lessons. That's why the stillness and quiet we find in nature can be very instructive for our heart seeking souls. If you would profit, take some time to reflect on its cycle. You might even take an apple and sit somewhere quiet, so that you can enjoy the brilliant colors of trees whose leaves are turning even before they depart.

The pitfalls of generosity

2011-10-07T08:09:00.000-04:00

Generosity. It warms the heart and inspires everyone around. But giving also has its backlash: regrets.

God loves a cheerful giver we read in 2 Corinthians 9:7. But immediately before this statement, we read Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. So give...not grudgingly or of necessity.

The writer of Corinthians is addressing the fact that even though we know good deeds will be repaid bountifully, we are also warned against the inner demon who begrudges even while she reaches out.

I think this speaks to how little we really know our own heart.

When we read another scripture passage that says, When you give, do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing (Mt 6:3), we should think of our divided selves. For we do tend to reach out with one hand and take back with the other. We do live divided. And sometimes our giving is separated; we give, and then turn and wish we hadn't.

All of this speaks to our disparity. The more I read through the gospels, the more I see Jesus trying to convince us that union of body and soul takes work and consciousness. We tend to live divided, to act without our soul being truly involved. Such action leads to regret, anger and resentment. Jesus is telling us, look inward, test the spirit, learn your heart by self-reflection and honesty. The union is not automatic. It is a conscious and deliberate act.

If we take Jesus' lead, we will attend to our dilemma of dividedness.We will attend to our soul. We will seek to unite.

Then, when we give, it will be without regrets.

Loss and gratitude

2011-10-06T07:46:00.000-04:00

Since last evening, the news is concentrating on one man, Steve Jobs. A man who changed many things in our world, yes. But why do we wait until a person passes before we honor them in this way? It does make one wonder.

I have a great friend who still lives in the monastery. She used to refrain from speaking at a sister's funeral because, as she said with passion, it was more important say kind words when that sister could still hear you. She said to me repeatedly, "Don't give me flowers after I'm dead and can't see them. If you want to give or say something nice about me, do it now when I can appreciate it."

I've profited from such thoughts. It makes me think that we tend to appreciate things more after we lose them than when we are able to enjoy them. It reminds me of a quote from Therese of Lisieux, who said that she received countless blessings after she developed a habit of continual gratitude. And an attitude of gratitude would bring us into the here and now.

Such thoughts always prompt me to re-evaluate my life and try to see what I'm taking for granted. Do I have something that is a blessing? Can I not appreciate it fully and completely now? Can I make thanksgiving a daily part of my prayer? Do I have to wait to to lose before I see my blessings?

It's a habit worth developing.

Getting down and dirty and finding the Divine

2011-10-05T09:12:00.000-04:00

Nothing can compare with the experience of seeing a rainbow in the sky

Would we ever be content to see rainbows only in books, or go through life only reading about the beauty of flowers, the feel of rain, the awesome sight of sunrises or sunsets? Hardly. Would we be content to know intelligently about falling in love and never want to experience it for real? I think not.

So why are we too often content to let our experience of God be totally abstract?

If you and I want to have a valid experience of God, we must do more than give ourselves to verbal prayer and silent meditation. We need to step outside of ourselves and move into God's world of people. We need to do works of charity, give not with money but give of our time, get our hands dirty, let our hearts feel the brokenness of others, feel their pain, offer them a real hand.

Think of it. The God who created us was not content to know the human condition from afar. The second person of the Godhead stepped into our lives and experienced all that we experienced, all the way to the down and dirty part.

We need to do the same. Divinity is not spread by abstract concepts. It is carried by you and me when we step out of ourselves. We do this when we let ourselves get down and dirty. In return, our souls are opened and the bounty of love contained therein is unleashed. For in truth, we are the ones who benefit the most from these deeds.

If we would experience the Divine in our lives, we must not be content with a clean and sanitized spirituality. Let us get down and get dirty by taking time to actually perform acts of kindness. Let us disrupt our schedule to help someone else. For when we do, we do not just bring the Divine goodness to that person. We release it from our own inner prison.

The Passion of St Matthew performed by Hilarion Alfeyev

2011-10-04T13:38:00.001-04:00

I hope you enjoy this version of St. Matthew's Passion done by Hilarion Alfeyev. If you are familiar with the Russian Orthodox chant, you will find this most interesting.

Getting your heart's desire

2011-10-03T09:08:00.000-04:00

Finding your heart's desire is a life-long journey

The psalmist says, "Trust in the Lord and do good. And he will grant you your heart's desire." (37) This begs a question: do we really know what is our heart's desire? I think not. And I think that the search to find that desire is at the core of what drives our spiritual search in life.

It is the search to find that desire that pushes us to go beyond our comfort zone, take risks, dare to continue dreaming and never give up hope. It is the drive that keeps us dreaming our dreams. It is the fuel that does not let us be content with what is, but pushes us to continue to believe in the what if?

I truly believe that it is the search to find our heart's desire that is the pearl of great price, the treasure hidden in the field, the big catch at the wrong time of day that threatens to sink our little boat of "what is". It reminds us that our life is a journey, and that we should never stop seeking. It keeps us alive and energized, seeking truth and willing to make mistakes in our efforts to discover. The search is what deepens us as persons, and broadens us as spiritual beings. And just as the Divine Being is never done with creation, but continues to draw new out of old, so should we be.

For living life as a continued search requires trusting in the Lord. As as the psalm says, we will be granted our heart's desire.